Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Screams echoed down the dark cold halls of hell while she stood with her eyes wide open, hands grasping the bars that held her caged. All she had to cover herself was a pale blue medical apron. The floors were like ice to the touch, and the one thin cotton blanket she had draping her small bed wasn't of any help or comfort to her. What she had hoped for was a way out of her depression, but where she now resided was sure to destroy the last bit of joy she had left.
Not only did the doctors promise her a swift recovery, but they also promised her visits from her family. Her family never came. Nor were there any calls. She hadn't been given the liberty to call them herself either. All she had to keep her company were the other sorry souls who trusted the wrong kinds of people with their secrets. Everyone who seemed different from the normal public—gays, sexually immoral people, people with Downs, people with depression, etcetera—were all tucked away from society.
They knew not what they had done wrong, and even if they found out, it would be too late to recant. They were treated like the real crazy beings they shared their time with everyday in the patient outing area. The idea of being out of their own individual cells sounded like freedom, but when they arrived there, the slightest bit of misbehavior won them almost a dozen lashes by the nuns. Any kind of resistance to the punishment would surely grant them another round of discipline. Needless to say, hell sounded like purgatory to them, and purgatory sounded like Heaven.
However, Jillian hadn't been there long enough to learn about the demons that possessed the staff when something went wrong, and they needed someone to blame for it. She was admitted a week ago for attempted suicide, and now she wished she had pressed harder when she took that blade to her wrist. She hadn't smiled in what felt like years. She didn't think she would ever again because therapy administered by shock would never cure her. She saw what happened to the few who received it. They were disoriented to say the least—some twitching, some forgetting their names for days, and some no one ever saw again.
She could hear the treatment going on. She could hear the cries that echoed down the halls. They were begging for help, and all Jill could do was think of herself strapped down to that bed, waiting to receive hers like all the others that went before her. She backed away from the door as the echoes faded falling back on her bed in fright.
Almost all the night, she sat at the edge of her bed with her back against the cold tile wall, staring at the black abyss in front of her with no one to comfort her; or tell her it was only a bad dream. It was real. Jill had never dreamt of anything so dark in her life. She was only seventeen. Nevertheless, it seemed as though she'd never reach adulthood.
She tried her best to keep her dried eyes open, but they stung so badly she gave in and toppled over, lying flat on the rough blanket beneath her. In her few hours of rest, a dream came to her. It was a memory from years ago when she was only a child. She and her mother were clothed in summer dresses. They were picking flowers on the front lawn laughing and skipping around. Her mother stopped, took her by the hand, and knelt down to kiss her baby girl's soft rosy cheeks. Jill gave her a smile, returned the kiss, and hugged her mother till she was awakened and again caught by the cruel hands of reality.
Judging by the noise, she was quickened by a woman crying in a cell a few doors down. The woman didn’t even sound human. Jill tried her best to fall back to sleep hoping she could return to the sweetness of her dreams, but it was now morning. The time for room inspection and the daily routine, and who would want to skip out on the outing area?
A/N: I might change the title. If you have suggestions for a different one then please mention them. This is also my first time writing something like this so give me all the advice you can think of.
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139,593 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
Hello! You asked me to review this forever ago and I'm so sorry it's taken this long to get here!!
I'm always intrigued by stories set in mental hospitals and there's always a lot to get wrong, but so far I'm still intrigued. I'm guessing that this doesn't take place in today's time because mental hospitals like this don't exist anymore, at least not in the US. I'd be curious to know what time period this is and if there's a way for you to infuse that into the prose (which you might do in a subsequent chapter, I don't know).
I wasn't a huge fan of:
simply because of the use of "gays" and "people with Downs". Not the nicest way to refer to these people, BUT if this is how LGBT and people with Down Syndrome are referred to in this time period I'll understand a little more.
I'm usually not a big fan of prologues because in my experience they're usually not necessary for the plot and end up being lots of backstory or lots of exposition. It's too early to tell whether or not you need this prologue, but I'm super glad you didn't get info-dumpy and give all of the details about why and how this MC ended up here. I'm glad we at least know she tried to take her own life, but I'm glad we don't know the ins and outs of how she got to the point that she wanted to take her own life.
There is a lot of exposition and not a lot of plot in this prologue, but I don't hate it. I like the way you've set up the despair and the fear of the place and it makes me feel for the MC to be stuck in such a horrible situation. It doesn't bother me that we don't have a ton of her thoughts and feelings. She's seriously depressed so I'm guessing she has someone of a flat affect, especially if she's being pumped full of drugs and who knows what other "treatments" in this place so she's not going to be bubbly and expressive.
I'll give some more thoughts on this once I read the first chapter, but I'm thinking this could be part of the first chapter rather than a prologue. It sets up the character and world nicely and I'm waiting for the oomph and the plot to get moving, which would easily come in the rest of the first chapter. I'm left wondering what her goal is (is it just to get out of this place?) So unless the first chapter happens in a different time than this moment, I'm thinking right now they could be combined.
I'll leave things there for now and skip on over to the next segment. Let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention!
Hello, RubyRed! I'm here to review your work! I'm sorry in advance if my review isn't all that helpful. I'm trying to become a better reviewer, but I'm still not used to reviewing some of the things I'm going to mention in this review.
I didn't have any problems with your grammar in this prologue, so I'll move onto the other parts of your work!
As other people have touched on in their reviews, the reader doesn't learn much about Jill's personality. It would be great if you could show more of it, but, since this only the prologue, it's understandable that the reader wouldn't know a lot about the protagonists. So if you're unable to show more of her character in this part of the novel, you can work on it in later chapters instead.
You're great when it comes to descriptions. The words you chose kept me engaged, and even though I couldn't imagine the setting, I felt as if I was one of the occupants of the asylum. That's a pretty powerful talent!
I can't wait to see what will happen in future chapters. Maybe Jill will make some friends?
I hope this review helped. I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh! Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
Hey there,
I bet you know what this is...
Before I start though. I wanted to mention that I didn't read any of the other reviews, so if I repeat something then I'm story.
Spoiler
Ok, I'm gonna stop there in the line-by-line. I also hope this review will be shorter then my last since a few of the same concepts still apply in this one. That said, lets talk about a couple things that apply mainly to the opening of your story.
1.) KILL THE PURPLE/ MODIFIERS
A. Kill The Purple:
It's a common mistake writers make when they're trying to be beautiful. It grinds the reader right to a halt. For example, try and read this text:
Do you see it? Do you see how dreadful that is? How amazingly dull it is to slug through it? I mean, there are a number of problems with it aside from the purple language, but we'll get to those.
Chances are, you glazed over many of those words, because they just didn't connect to you. If I had a larger vocabulary, or the energy to consult a thesaurus, I might have also included words beyond your reading level--not necessarily a problem, as many readers will still know what the words mean, but it still alienates a large part of your audience.
The reason is, simply, that it slows readers down, if it doesn't stop them all together. One concept that you should remember is the idea that there are invisible words--these are words that readers see so often their brains automatically process them and skip over them. These words are your friends; they take nothing away from the flow of your story. But some words, like almost all the ones used in that example, are highly visible words, and make the reader pause. The more the reader pauses, the slower the read becomes. The slower the read, the more bored the reader will think they are. I don't need to tell you what happens next.
B.) Modifiers:
Modifiers are, most commonly, adjectives and adverbs that are used attributively. This means words that alter the understanding of a noun (adjectives) or a verb (adverbs).
Modifiers are, generally speaking, very excessive, and should be used sparingly. Using too many can make your prose purple and thick, and bring the pacing of your story to a grinding halt.Modifiers are, generally speaking, very excessive, and should be used sparingly. Using too many can make your prose purple and thick, and bring the pacing of your story to a grinding halt.Adjectives you can get away with more, since you can't really replace a noun with a stronger noun that encompasses the modifier, but you should still use them sparingly. I like to refer to modifiers as a spice in a dish: The right amount gives you a nice kick, but too much and it's all you can taste.
Example:
So, I basically took a chunk of writing and crossed out any modifiers I saw and/or registered at first glance. If you were to cut them all out you'd notice that the same thing is happening but it's just simplified [with a help of a little rewording.] Take a look:
I mean that [^^] isn't all great but I hope it gets the point across.
2. AVOID REPETITION
This is one piece of advice that you probably should have heard by now, especially here on this forum. Basically, if you reuse certain words enough times, it starts to get jarring to the reader very quickly and will make your prose sound very stiff. So how can we avoid repetition?
Well, the first step I would take would be cutting pieces of this that are unnecessary. But the biggest change would come from using pronouns, which are words that substitute for nouns. Using pronouns can help you avoid unnecessary repetition. Another way to avoid repetition is to expand your vocabulary and use additional, varied words to keep the scene fresh. This can be especially useful when a pronoun doesn't make sense.
3. EVERYTHING ELSE
One, I'm pretty sure you switched tenses in the middle.
Two, now I see why it's kind of a mystery novel. Good job, I do think the opening hook could be a bit creeper or stronger but for the most part it's really good.
Three, this sounds like an info dump. Make sure to avoid that.
Four, vary sentence structure.
I think that's it. If you have any questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.
Thank you very much! This was as helpful as your last review, and I've fixed the little errors you pointed out. ^^
Hey there, here as requested, I'll do nit-picks then go through some categories to talk about it overall.
Nit-picks:
This sounds sympathetic to these people, I think, especially at the start of the next chapter, but I think you might want to be more explicit about that.
I think you mean "admitted".
Starting these sentences with "she" so soon after each other is a bit repetitive.
Gramatically that should be a new sentence at "nevertheless". Or maybe not. Actually I think that sentence is just a bit unclear.
quickened?
Overall:
Character: I get a good sense of what has happened to Jill and am able to feel her pain. I don't necessarily have a lot about different aspects of her yet, but it is a prologue so that's probably okay.
Setting: You do this really, really well. I really get a feeling of horror and you're even able to make me feel suspense in your description.
Plot: I think it might have been good to leave this on a cliffhanger. There's so much suspense throughout that any slight thing you hinted at would have felt really powerful. Just setting the scene as you do is okay, but it's not as much motivation to read on. Actually, it would have been nice to have more plot throughout. What's so special about this day? Why is the story starting now? What is this story going to be about?
The title is okay, but I had commas in my title once and somebody sent me a list of prize-winning novels with titles in them. There were like four. I dunno what to tell you to do, but that's just for your information.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Thanks so much this was very helpful!
Also I mended all the mistakes, and "quickened" is just another way to say "startled" "awakened" ect.
Ohhh ok, I see
Heya RubyRed! Here with a review in response to your request
Now, if this was a poem or short story, I understand leaving it as "hell," I guess. Because in that case its a short enough piece to be left as a metaphor that needs decoding. In this though, it is a prologue. That means we will have many more chapters down the road! You hooked us very well in the beginning by describing it as hell, so now it can be acknowledged as what it is in reality. 
I hope that makes sense!
So to start things off I really enjoyed your first use of "hell." It immediately sets the tone I'll be honest -- I initially thought she was actually in hell, quite literally. It took me a bit to understand you were referring to a mental ward. But I think that's a good thing that you aimed for. Instead of stating she is in a mental hospital, you call it hell and use clues to give way to where she actually is, instead of describing it as hell -- if that makes sense. I have to add on to midnightdreary, however, and say that after the initial use it does become a bit redundant. I see no issue in calling it a mental ward or something else after it was first called "hell." You've already established the atmosphere, and repeatedly calling it hell is essentially drawing out the same metaphor over and over. Don't be afraid to call it what it is: a mental ward. Why? Because you 1) already called it hell, 2) already set up the atmosphere, and 3) since the reader already has been assuming it's a mental hospital, you should finally tie it together and confirm it
Also adding onto midnightdreary: make sure you're careful with mental illness. Do any research necessary regarding an illness you're going to mention.
Back to the atmosphere you set -- I really love it. It truly is hellish, intense, and pure torture in all the sense of the word. And there's no real physical torture, it's all mental. They're trapped in the hospital, and then again in their minds. This line is probably my favorite because it summarizes the chapter very well:
"Needless to say, hell sounded like purgatory to them, and purgatory sounded like Heaven."
I'm also getting a hint of a nightmarish dystopia here, no? I've never heard of gays, people with down syndrome, or depression being incarcerated -- at least in today's Western societies. I personally don't understand their stays at a mental hospital, but I do Jillian's because of her attempted suicide. But if this is a dystopia, I do enjoy that concept. Not the torture of the people I just mentioned, but the dystopian setting. I could be wrong about you going for a dystopia, though
My last words here are to maybe develop Jillian a bit more in this chapter. She's been introduced, and we know she hasn't smiled in "forever" and she tried to kill herself. Other than that, not much besides a brief dream about her mother. You did a fantastic job setting the atmosphere and tone, but we need a character we can feel for. I'm assuming you planned on developing her more so throughout your novel, but don't be afraid to make the prologue longer to give us a bit more. We already feel for her suffering because of your wonderful descriptions, but that could still be greatly enhanced if we knew more about her!
I hope this review comes as some help. I'd love to continue reading this story of yours as you post more chapters! It's a great start with a great setting and atmosphere, along with a main character who has a ton of potential.
Please continue dropping any future chapters or works in my review bin, I'd love to see more from you
-Tom
Thanks so much, SynonymousTom! You've very right about the repetition. I meant for there to be some but maybe I went for it a little too much. The reason I'm not telling much about Jillian yet is because I don't want to give away the mystery to her background. You're right about the dystopia setting.
Also don't forget to leave me a "like" if you enjoyed the prologue. I'm currently working on the first chapter so if you'd like me to tag you for that then I will 
I'm sorry! I thought I left a like
And I'm glad I picked up on the dystopian, setting. I'm super excited to see where you run with it! And regarding Jillian, I cannot wait to learn more about her as the story progresses. So yes, I would absolutely love for you to post any future chapters in my Will Review for Food thread!
Yay! I will
Yikes! This was intense. I could almost feel the cold of the room and hear the screams of the patients. Great job with your descriptions!
I'm not great at reviewing stories, poetry is more my thing, but hopefully my feedback is somewhat effective.
So the first thing I'd say is that you should be careful when talking about mental illness in this story. Make sure to do your research and don't romanticize anything. You didn't do anything wrong here, I'm just giving a precaution.
Next is that I think you've been using "hell" to describe the place far too liberally. Try to it was effective the first time, but after that, it seemed mildly repetitive.
Then the sentence, "she tried her best to keep her tried eyes open" is a bit awkward and confusing. I wasn't completely sure what you were trying to say there.
Last is that you should try to avoid the cliché's in writing about mental institutions. Yeah there's electroshock therapy and all that, but what else could be horrifying about this place? I think it's easy to fall into the cliché route and just have your story be similar to many others out there. Although, what I'm saying is much easier said than done.
Anyway, I hope this was helpful! I'll be sure to look for when you post again.
Thanks you have very valid points I'll keep in mind when writing my first chapter! Would you like me to tag you when the first chapter is up?
Oh also don't forget to leave me a "like" if you enjoyed it
Oh yeah I'd totally like you to tag me. And sorry my review posted twice. I don't know what's up with that.
That's totally fine when that happens go to Big Brother's wall. He's one of your followers and report the bug to him.
Yikes! This was intense. I could almost feel the cold of the room and hear the screams of the patients. Great job with your descriptions!
I'm not great at reviewing stories, poetry is more my thing, but hopefully my feedback is somewhat effective.
So the first thing I'd say is that you should be careful when talking about mental illness in this story. Make sure to do your research and don't romanticize anything. You didn't do anything wrong here, I'm just giving a precaution.
Next is that I think you've been using "hell" to describe the place far too liberally. Try to it was effective the first time, but after that, it seemed mildly repetitive.
Then the sentence, "she tried her best to keep her tried eyes open" is a bit awkward and confusing. I wasn't completely sure what you were trying to say there.
Last is that you should try to avoid the cliché's in writing about mental institutions. Yeah there's electroshock therapy and all that, but what else could be horrifying about this place? I think it's easy to fall into the cliché route and just have your story be similar to many others out there. Although, what I'm saying is much easier said than done.
Anyway, I hope this was helpful! I'll be sure to look for when you post again.
Hey there, Ruby! Shey here for a review!
Alrighty! I'm reviewing a novel. Oh boy, I have not done this in a while. I'm not the type to go through individual lines and comment, so instead I'll talk about general things to work on in future chapters.
My first thing is the main character. Jillian is, to be blatant, boring. I enjoyed the story you've started to tell, but I don't enjoy Jillian. Now, I understand that this is only the prologue, but I have some things to suggest for future chapters. (I apologize if you've already planned to include these things. XD)
So we see that she attempted suicide, but we don't get much background as two why. She hadn't smiled in what felt like years isn't enough to go off of, and so we lose some of her character in this.
That leads me to my next point. I think part of the reason she seems boring is because we know little about her, and we feel even less of her emotions. What is her family life like? What was her friend status? Was she popular, or not? Why did she try to commit suicide? I think hearing more from her might help develop her character, but if course it's up to you.
Overall, I loved it. Keep up the great work, and tag me when you upload more!
-Shey
P.S. I like the title as it is, personally.
Thanks, Shey! I'm glad you want to stick around. Jill's backstory and what not will be included, for the most part, in the first chapter. However, there is mystery involved as to why she's there which is why I can't give a lot of information away right now. Thanks for your review it was very helpful!
Glad to be of assistance, and looking forward to seeing more.