I wasn’t sure if I wanted the bracelet in the first place. This event seemed too huge for a high school girl to have to bear. I’d seen them around school of course, they were everywhere. Their bright, blinking numbers demanded attention like a beacon. I’d even seen them go off a few times in a crowded hallway and once in the cafeteria lunch line. Numbers turned to zero, eyes met, bracelets fell. I got mine last month on my birthday. The bracelet that would count down the years, days, hours, minutes, and seconds until I met the one. The one. The one I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life.
I had always been skeptical of these bracelets. How does science know who my perfect match is? How can there be an equation that determines my emotions? It didn’t make sense to me how they could not only calculate this, but also predict the decisions I would make that would put me in the exact same spot at the exact same moment as my soul mate. The whole idea sounded, to me, like an elaborate hoax, a ploy for selling millions of bracelets.
“We make finding love as easy as checking the time!” the company had proclaimed. I didn’t buy it. It seemed simple: Just give a boy and a girl a bracelet with the same time on it at random. The one thing that didn’t add up was the timing. The company couldn’t manipulate the time. I knew girls who watched their bracelets constantly. Also, the pairings always seemed to work out. Maybe because people were determined the person they were with was their other half and tried harder to make the relationship work. Nonetheless, my mom was so excited that I agreed to get the bracelet.
It had taken a few days for the time to come through, something about the bracelet needing to “read me.” Once it did set I was surprised at how little time it had: twenty days, three hours, sixteen minutes, and forty-nine seconds.
Now, as I sit in the car, it weighs heavily on my wrist. It seems to drag my hand down into my lap reminding me that it’s there. Twelve minutes and four seconds, it reads unblinking, unmoving. You see last week my bracelet stopped, just quit, at twelve minutes and four seconds. So close.
I called the company when it stopped. A man answered and I explained my situation. He assured me it was just a malfunction.
“…unless…” he said hesitantly.
“Unless what?” I demanded. Stupid as I thought this was, I had been hopeful that there was a chance it just might work.
“What was the number again?” he asked gently.
“Twelve minutes and four seconds.”
“Oh…”
So now I’m here, at a stranger’s funeral. I shake hands with his mother; she seems nice, someone I'd like to have known. She holds on to my hand for a second staring at my wrist, twelve minutes and four seconds, she releases me. I feel like an outsider to her grief. I wait in line behind grieving family members, aunts, uncles, cousins, I assume. It’s strange to think they would have been mine. I would have gotten to know them. I should feel sad, and I do, in a way. But how do you grieve for someone you’ve never met? Finally I approach the coffin. A boy lies inside, my age. His eyes are closed, as if in sleep and I half expect them to spring open at any moment. I stare at the picture of him surrounded by a wreath next to the casket. Sunlight shines on his dark brown hair, his eyes are blue, I like his smile. I come closer, until I’m standing over him. His hands are placed on his stomach. I look down at his bracelet, Twelve minutes and four seconds.
I lean closer and both our bracelets release at the same moment. I stare at the two blank screens, but the numbers still burn in my mind. Twelve minutes and four seconds.
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139,388 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Welcome to YWS! Lucrezia here for a review.
You've gotten a LOT of good reviews on this in addition to being spotlighted, so I'm going to be the meanie here and point out all the flaws. Please forgive me.
I agree with what Craz said. Honestly, this didn't really grab my interest until the end. I loathe writing details and descriptions, but they are necessary in order to make even the best story better. If that makes sense.
Your idea for this? Amazing. It's so crazy original/clever, and you get major props for thinking it up. And, of course, that ending was surprising and sadly wonderful. Sadly perfect.
So, great job on that.
But the beginning and the middle definitely needs some work. It's so short, you have a lot of room to play around with it, add in some details. I found the MC to be rather bland because we know next to nothing about her. It's a short story, so it's okay to not know everything about the characters. But maybe SOME details, just to make the reader care about her?
That said, her cynical nature to the whole bracelet thing was shown very well, and I did like that. It seemed realistic and oddly endearing. Just work on the rest of her personality, maybe, and develop it a bit more.
You main weak point technically speaking is punctuation. Run-on sentences, too many commas, etc. Craz pointed out some, I'll do the rest.
Should be:
'It seemed simple: Just give a boy and a girl a bracelet with the same time on it at random.'
A comma would also work.
They're two different words, yet somehow "hesitantly" and "angrily" feel oddly repetitive. Maybe it's the fact they both have "ly" at the end? Either way, I'd take out one or the other. Neither are necessary (because of the dot-dot-dots, we know he's saying it hesitantly, and "demanded" already implies that she's angry), so you can even take out both and make the story smoother.
Should be:
'I wait in line behind grieving family members. Aunts, uncles, cousins. At least that's what I assume they are.'
Or
'I wait in line behind grieving family members. Aunts, uncles, and cousins, presumably.'
Something like that.
Otherwise, this is a good piece. With some polish, it'll be amazing. And it really would make a nice novel; you should consider doing something more with it.
Sorry if this was harsh. Overall, well done!
Thanks for the help! I know I'm bad about run on sentences. I'll definitely take a look at those
I love this! I always enjoy science fiction! Imagine if we really had our lives planned for us? It reminds me of Lena from Beautiful Creatures! Because of her numbered days to her birthday!
This could easily be a novel! I bet it would be amazing if it was!! BRAVO!!! I enjoyed it very much!
Thanks!
You need to write a novel based on something like this.
Or I will.
JK!
Hi hopeless03 here to give you a review!!
First off... Wow this is amazing! So much feeling in this writing, you have a wonderful talent! I don't see anything I need to correct or say something about. I mean there is a small amount in the world that would be able to write like this. This is amazing, sorry I said that before... But for really my heart is filled with all the feelings! Bravo to you!
Keep writing and stay beautiful!!
~hopeless03
These are the kind of short stories I love. So much feeling! my heart is still hurting.
You're an excellent writer, I couldn't find anything to correct! I'll definitely be watching for more of your work.
This is really quite good.
Oh my goodness... That was incredible. That ending... I didn't expect it. It was so wrong... Yet, so very right. It's unexpected, and that's what makes the story so impacting.
So moving. So heartfelt.
The writing was really great, and it did indeed make me cry. Emotional writing is what I'm looking for, and this was definitely it.
I loved this. Keep up the excellent work.
Thank you!
Hi
That was so bittersweet. Beautifully written, too. It almost made me cry.
The plot was very original. I was expecting a "their-eyes-met-and-they-knew-it-was-love" kind of story, so the ending took me by surprize. It was perfect, though. It leaves all the what-if questions out there, and I personally love those.
Great job!
Thanks!
I actually enjoyed this, mostly because of the ending. I expected some sappy, borderline petty story about young love. When I read the perfect match thing, I thought that this was about to be lost to me. But you surprised (and pleased) me with the twist for the ending, with her match being dead. Yes, it's kind of depressing, but it's better than the short story developing into something that I could find just about anywhere else.
However, it was a little too dull for me until the ending. It could use some more details to thicken the piece some, maybe by adding in her friends talking about it, how big a deal the company was, what the company is called, etc. And I'm a little perplexed on how she found her match in time to attend his funeral; does this company have records of who exactly is matched with who? With some probing, did they happen to find a guy that suspiciously matched the missing piece?
~Craz
Thanks! This was really helpful
You should totally take this concept and create a bigger story, like a novel, incorporating this idea. This is such a good idea. You're such a good writer and I'm so glad that I'm one of the first to review this.
There weren't any grammatical errors, nor were there any spelling errors. Your character was completely relatable and I could see where she was coming from. It was just beautiful.
Thank you!