The woman’s lips seemed permanently stained bright red. On days that I hated her (more often than not) I liked to imagine she was some sort of demonic creature who drank the blood of innocent victims. On days I liked her (occasionally) I imagined her eating so many cherry popsicles that her lips were forever colored. Either way the color bothered me. It was too bright, too distracting, too stereotypical, too much, too everything.
When she had first walked into the room with her lightly clicking heels and her too clean clothes and her neat and tidy hair and her overly organized clipboard I hardly noticed the lips. However as she began to talk they began to dance and I couldn’t bring myself to look away. Her words blurred together until they were incomprehensible, all my attention was focused on those shiny, red lips as they flashed up and down in strange, rhythmic patterns.
The problem with the lips was that I couldn’t understand them. Every other part of this woman screamed carefully controlled, neat, and clean. The bright red lips stood in stark contrast to the rest of her appearance. It led me to wonder why. Each day as she spoke I wondered about the lips and I watched them. Why did she allow this one element of herself to be loud and untamed?
I could often read her emotions on her lips. As I stared at them, continually unresponsive, I sensed when her questions went unanswered or she felt I had made no progress. The red lips would be sucked in, rolling together until only the edges were visible. In this way she expressed her disappointment and frustration. It was an expression she wore often.
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139,365 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hey, I'm here for a quick review!
As you might aware, I like this.
The exploration of lips, as simple as they could be, is refreshing. It takes me into a territory barely known, and aims to use simple things to deliver something much more. The narration is not over the top, and its simplicity makes the reading smoother. While some descriptions of the lips make me able to immerse myself in reading this, there are some things that can be improved.
Here you referred that woman as 'the woman'. I'm seeing no reason as to why you didn't refer us with her name. The narrator seemed to know her on regular basis, given this part: "On days that I hated her (more often than not) I liked to imagine she was some sort of demonic creature who drank the blood of innocent victims. On days I liked her (occasionally) I imagined her eating so many cherry popsicles that her lips were forever colored." Due to this, if she was talking about that woman, she would've told us her name for clarity on who she was talking about.
There are words here that I think don't contribute much to the story in terms of giving a tight, powerful sentence. Words like "too" and "overly" when used to describe something don't really show us how the thing looks like. Too clean clothes -- how? Are the clothes free of dust, are they even shiny? Do you have to tell them as being "too clean"? Just "clean" would deliver the message; "clean clothes" and "organized clipboard" give us enough imagery of a disciplined, neat-freak person.
Elaborate. How does the bright red lips contrast the carefully controlled, neat and clean parts of her? Why can't we say the bright red lips show us her desire to be pretty/fashionable in a neat and clean way? I'm not sure putting on a red lipstick would give the impression of you being not neat (as contrast to being neat). I feel like there's more here.
I think there's an "it" after "sense".
Anyway, like I said, more exploration needs to be taken here. You've only scratched the surface -how watching her lips tell us if she's disappointed or frustrated. Tell us more about her so that we can understand her, get a clear image of her character. Shed more layers of her. This can take to a philosophical prose in which simple bright red lips can tell us so much about her character, and how her other parts might be insignificant compared to the lips.
Anyway, that's all! Keep up the good job!
Hello, I'm going to leave a short little suggestion, as it looks like this is fairly good on it's own! Good job editing.
I can't wait to see what happens! I hope this helped!
Alright at the end of this paragraph...
The problem with the lips was that I couldn’t understand them. Every other part of this woman screamed carefully controlled, neat, and clean. The bright red lips stood in stark contrast to the rest of her appearance. It led me to wonder why. Each day as she spoke I wondered about the lips and I watched them. Why did she allow this one element of herself to be freer?
That last sentence seems like it would be better if you re-worded it to exclude freer. Let me give you an example.
Why was it in this one element that she allowed herself more freedom?
Or,
Why did she allow herself more freedom in this one element.
If you want to keep freer, I'd still suggest changing the structure because it doesn't read as smooth as it could compared to the rest of your work. I'll give you a few more examples.
Why was she freer with this one element then all the others?
Or,
Why did she allow herself to be freer with this part of herself?
This is just a suggestion, however, as it all reads nicely and I hope more comes out as I feel a bit put out over where it is going.
Thank you! I rewrote that sentence a couple of times, I'm still not really happy with it. I'll try to play around with the wording a little more.
Hi jessiebear here to do a review on your short story Ruby68. I hope what I say is help full to you if not pleas tell me. Any way I am very exulted to help you okay lets get started.
Okay the bit witch I like the most is this beginning paragraph
(The woman’s lips seemed permanently stained bright red. On days that I hated her (more often than not) I liked to imagine she was some sort of demonic creature who drank the blood of innocent victims. On days I liked her (occasionally) I imagined her eating so many cherry popsicles that her lips were forever colored. Either way the color bothered me. It was too bright, too distracting, too stereotypical, too much, too everything.)
But you have two spelling erasers. You spell (color) like this (colour) Okay next you all so spell (colored) like this (collared) Okay that is the first paragraph. Okay lets go to the next paragraph.
(When she had first walked into the room with her lightly clicking heels and her too clean clothes and her neat and tidy hair and her overly organized clipboard I hardly noticed the lips. However as she began to talk they began to dance and I couldn’t bring myself to look away. Her words blurred together until they were incomprehensible, all my attention was focused on those shiny, red lips as they flashed up and down in strange, rhythmic patterns.)
Okay this paragraph is good the grammar is good and I can't see any spelling mistakes so well done this this paragraph okay lets have a look at the next one.
(The problem with the lips was that I couldn’t understand them. Every other part of this woman screamed carefully controlled, neat, and clean. The bright red lips stood in stark contrast to the rest of her appearance. It led me to wonder why. Each day as she spoke I wondered about the lips and I watched them. Why did she allow this one element of herself to be freer? ) It is the same here it is just perfect. So now I am going to go have a look at the last paragraph.
(I could often read her emotions on her lips. As I stared at them, continually unresponsive, I sensed when her questions went unanswered or she felt I had made no progress. The red lips would be sucked in, rolling together until only the edges were visible. In this way she expressed her disappointment and frustration. It was an expression she wore often. )
So it tarns out that it was your first paragraph that had all the mistakes but I do have some stuff that you can ad to your short story if you wont. Like smell and sound that is all. So I hope that was help full. I do hope you will let me no when you have posted another short story are a paragraph are a poem just let me no so I can do a grate review on it for you. I hope you will keep on righting fantastic, and I do hope you have a grate day are a grate night.
From jessiebear.