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140,847 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hey Roxy11,
First of all I would like to welcome you on YWS. It is amazing how YWS is getting so many amazing poets these days. This was a amazing poem. Like really really really amazing! I loved your imagination. I was actually laughing in the middle as it felt kind of hunorous the way you said :
Now no poem is perfect. There were a few mistakes in this piece too which I will try to show you below:
First of all the poem was not divided into paragraphs. Now this is very important and you should really try to do this every time you submit a poem. I am going to divide it into para's and show you:
This is how it is supposed to be. See it looks better doesn't it?
If you do not divide your poem into paragraphs then the reader loses her or his interest so I am recommending this to you.
The repetition in this poem was Amazing and trust me when I say that this is a masterpiece!
All the best for your next piece and hope this didn't offend you in any way
Umaima
you do lovely works and I think this one stands out a lot. Its very well written and you had very good spelling and grammar this was a wonderful piece of poetry that I hope to have time to come back to again and reread.
-Krystal6
Hello there and welcoME TO YWS! On a completely unrelated note, I think tyour profile picture is very pretty. Anyway, moving on to the review. Overall, I was fond of this. You utulized figurative language well and the rhyme scheme was responsible,not forced. My only criticisms are the layout and spelling and grammatical mistakes. I don't think the content was an issue, only the errors. I would recommend re-reading this. I can't blame you for the stanza thing though as that's happened to me before.
aww you're very pretty too :3 but thank you so much, yeah im aware about all that i'll be more careful next time ahah :$
Hello!
You have a lovely piece here. It's got a good, smooth flow. And the fact that 'dark blue eyes' is recurring at the end of each para makes it even better, and enjoyable. I can understand the struggle this person is facing, the girl with dark blue eyes keeps pushing him away and yet he can't stop thinking about her. I was a little confused at the beginning but as I carried on till the end, the last two paras were very affective, with strong words that just sank themselves into my head. I really liked this piece, it's sweet, emotional, and like I said, very affective.
Can't really tell you any flaws as I have never really experimented much with poetry. But you have potential, and with a little polishing and practice (and also a faster browser so that the paragraphing problem doesn't come again) you'll do great!
Just keep at it!
Aww thank you, very much appreciated:)
Sushi here!
You spelled "angrily" wrong, might be a typo, so I thought you would want to know that.Hey, I was just thinking, what a wonderful poem this is! I like the way it's written, the strong meaning from the person saying it, and the repetition you used, but that might be a little harder to see when this formatting. I can't tell if the "dark blue eyes" are at the end of every stanza, because if they were I think they might stand out a bit more. This problem is easily fixed, and if you are facing formatting problems on the site, that's also understandable. Now to the grammar, since I don't think there is anything else that needs the slightest bit of fixing.
Also for all of your "I's" you didn't CAP them, they should be CAPPED unless that's a stylistic thing to get a point across.
There should be an apostrophe between the "s" and "l" in "girls" because the girl owns her eyes. Other than that, watch your spacing and punctuation. That's all I have to say.
Sushi
Yeah they were at the end of every stanza
but I couldn't hack the formatting, would not go into stanzas at all unfortunately, but aahh yeh I see, woopsies, thanks for the comment I'll take it all into consideration next time! 
Wow, this was amazing! I liked your choice of words; they show a very deep meaning. The continuous repetition of 'Dark Blue Eyes' really sets the tone, showing the speaker is truly mesmerized by her.
However, the format needs to be changed. Currently, it seems like a paragraph of a short story. In fact, the only way I knew it was a poem was through the repetition, and the rhyming in some places. I would suggest to break it down into stanzas.
For example:
'I can't help but smile, even though she cries,
for I have seen the most beautiful, dark blue eyes.'
'She looks at me angrily as she grabs my thighs,
but I don't take my eyes off the girl's dark blue eyes.'
It should be something like I've shown you above. There were also some grammar, punctuation, and spelling errors, but like I say to many people, it was nothing too major.
Above all, I love the idea of your poem. It's very intriguing, and dark to an extend.
Well done, and keep writing!
thank you! Pretty new to the site could NOT figure out how to narrow down into stanzas but I get what you are saying. Thank you for the comment I'll take everything into account:)
No problem! <3 Good luck!