the water swirled around me, lifting my hair in the wave
the sunlight streaming in creates a shimmering on my scales
i hum, letting the power of my song compel the fish no one can save
their flesh almost as good of those who walk on two feet
my hunger is not satisfied, and i feel the water ripple
could it be that one has stumbled onto my sanctuary?
i let my tongue lick across my teeth, feeling the creature, in fear, cripple
their feeling lights up my eyes and has my mouth watering
tasting the water, i know the creature is hurt before red clouds the sea
i watch their form slouch, the smell of blood drawing me in like a magnet
i lift my head out, to dazzle them with my beauty, but they do not see me
tears are spilling out over their eyelashes as they attempt to wipe them away
i casually wonder what has created their pain, on them had i not laid a finger?
to my surprise, a song burst out over their quivering lips
the melody is known only to me, it flows with grace, the notes linger
how could such a creature, hurt and broken, create the music of a siren?
lost in disbelief, my attention is captured by the talent of a mere beast
it sings in longing of the water, of simplicity, of companionship
my mind wonders if i should suffer in hunger, if i should abandon the feast
the creature catches a glimpse of me, their voice pauses in fright
the spell is broken, and I dive beyond their vision in the span of a second
their voice does return, but not without fear in acknowledgement of my presence
how could i have allowed myself to come so close, to have been beckoned?
there was no mistake, they were much too special to take the life of
i pull myself away from the thing for which my hunger begs
how could its kind not see the gift it holds so obviously?
there was no doubt in me that this was a siren that sung on two legs
and if even if i was the only one who saw it, i loved this creature
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Hi, just wanted to write a quick little review for you.
I'm not very good at poetry review, but I hope this helps regardless!
1: To start out with, this sentence seemed out of place for me- 'the water swirled around me, lifting my hair in the wave'. It would sound better if you changed it from wave to waves.
2: I like your depiction of the siren as a mermaid. I think it shows a greater divide between her and humanity.
And finally: I enjoyed the fact that the siren was lured to the drowning person in the same manner she lures her victims. I don't know if that was what you intended it to be, but it was nice nonetheless.
I hope this helped in some way!
Thank you for the feedback! I agree it should be 'waves', I was just was trying to make it rhyme. And for your numbers 2 and 3, thank you again for noticing!
Hi there fellow new author!
To start, if you want to insert stanza breaks you ought to press Return/Enter twice on either mobile or PC. One press creates a new line, two presses create a line break, much like in Word.
Now that the technical aspects are out of the way, let's talk shop, ummm, reviews.
First off, regardless of enjambment or any other literary devices, the pronoun 'I' is always capitalised. It's considered a mistake in most cases, and only certain dadaist-like movements allow it (but we're not in dadaism here, we're in an obvious post-modernist/neo-modernist movement here with the honesty of the discourse.)
Second off, I'll gloss over the formatting, but with the way you wrote this, the lines are too long, too symmetrical, too pretty looking. By inserting more line breaks in the stanzas, you can create an artificial sense of intonation, stress certain concepts and create an inherent focus without explicitly drawing attention to it. Try isolating some expressions from the rest of the verse, experiment a bit, it can do wonders.
As for the poetic discourse, a rather monotonous soliloquy, I would've loved it if you kept a constant style. At first it's descriptive, painting a dynamic whirlpool, but then it becomes overtly narrative, the spoken-word discourse is interrupted by poetic inversions. It's best to choose a tone and keep to it. Poetic or apoetic, callophile or anticallophile, transitive or allusive, you can't have them all.
Lastly, I can't say I can gauge a message from your poem. It might be my ignorance, but I don't see what this poem is telling me. The siren finds a prey she leaves due to its beautiful voice, but what does this show? The mercy of the siren? If so, in a poem the meaning must be sprinkled all throughout the verses, not just in the conclusion. Does it speak of the blindness of the prey's kin who can't see the beauty? If so, the same applies.
I hope this review wasn't too harsh (I know you've cautioned me, but I can't help but worry), and if you need further explanation (particularly on those big words), don't hesitate to ask.
Cheers,
Bubbles
Thank you so much, I see where I made a few errors. For some reason, (and I%u2019ve tried everything, including the return bar), it just won%u2019t make stanza breaks. Maybe I%u2019ll have to look into contacting the moderators. I agree the formatting and poetic discourse is something I really need to work on. I have been reading and gathering insight purely from the talented people on this website. As for the meaning, I wanted it be very plain as you said. Where I left room for interpretation was the human and their motives. Why were they there in the first place? Why were they hurt badly? How could they have known that siren%u2019s song? Again, thank you so much for your review. I hope to become a much better poet.
Hey, I just wanted to make this known that this is my first poem on this website. I enjoy reading poetry but have only written it a few times. Criticism is greatly appreciated, but please don’t be too harsh!
(Also, I have no idea how to make spaces between the paragraphs on this format, but it should be there every four lines.)
Hey there! Formatting poetry can be a little bit difficult on this site. What you can do is when you stanza break (the line of space between the stanzas) you can put a - or a ~ or really whatever you want to preserve the break. What you can also do is in that space or mine, press the space key five times, and this usually works in preserving the space. Here%u2019s a good link to formatting poetry on here. How to Format Poetry I hope this helped!
Oof I made a lot of grammar errors xD I%u2019ll rewrite it if you don%u2019t mind. Sorry!
Hey there! Formatting poetry can be a little bit difficult on this site. What you can do is when you have stanza break (the line or space between the stanzas) you can put a - or a ~ or really whatever you want to preserve the break. What you can also do is in that space or line, press the space key five times, and this usually works in preserving the space. Here is a good link to formatting poetry on here. How to Format Poetry I hope this helped!
Okay the link didn%u2019t work, but it%u2019s in the first message. Ahh, sorry for all the messages xD
No, you%u2019re fine! Thanks!