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140,602 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
And here I am again! *wow wasn't that fast?* Hazah!
There's something about the way you worded this makes it seem, at least to me, to read very stiffly and over-analyzed, like your MC measured out exactly ten feet. Using less specific wording is my only suggestion and it's really my only nitpick.
But what Classy said is very true. There are a lot of doors sitting open in this story. It would have almost made more sense, at least the way I see it, to have opened with an intro that focuses on Lidia just when she meets the Knight and how they end up 'together'. Then the first part, and then some of this second part (lacking the dialogue). But of course, that's just me.
Something that really bothered me was in the way the characters interacted. It seems to be lacking a lot of chemistry (not the lovie dovie kind, just a chemistry of familiarity) between Lidia and the Knight. She may not like him, but she's stuck with him.
Overall, this could definitely use a little work though. And what I said in the first part, about the presentation just seeming flat. It's here too, not as much, but it's something that a little editing can fix. You definitely have the skizzles to make this AMAZING!
Again, another good story. I liked the way you presented an insight into their history, the how and why your MC ended up working for a knight she doesn't like. I think you should try to work in somewhere to indicate that she's a girl earlier on- I had no idea until the last few lines, and that's usually pretty basic information readers like to know. Unless of course, you were leaving it open-ended on purpose, then I suppose that's different.
He? Which he? Maybe it's just me, but I don't really get this comment.I can't think of anything else. Have you read the 'Knight and Rogue' series by Hilari Bell? That's what this reminds me of a little. Anyway, I really like this. Will there be further installments?
Hey, Rosey! Sorry it took me so long. ^^ Been a busy weekend.
This sounds... weird. Perhaps change it to something along the lines of "A knot in my chest loosened?
Again with awkward wording.
As for the story itself, I have to agree with everyone else. It would make a lovely beginning, but as a short story, it doesn't work. There are too many threads left hanging. It feels as though you're building up for a bigger/longer story. Personally, if you were to keep it at this length, you would need to do some serious reworking of to lessen the loose threads. Of course, there's always the option of expanding.
Sorry this is so short, and basically pretty useless. xD Let me know if you have any questions!
Sorry Rosey, knew I said I would do this yesterday, but... well. Yeah.
I. NITPICKS
I don't... think that should be a capital N. I may be wrong.
meantime, I believe, is one word.
We're about to go into a paragraph a bit lower down about her name. It seems a little forced. Would it seem less so if you had her mutter or think "Wasn't Slayer bad enough?" and mention Lidia or something.
Capitol or Capital?
This is awkward.
He'd been?
Alright.
II. PLOT
To be honest, I have to say I was a little disappointed by this. You set yourself up for a really good story in the first part, and then here... well, it's just back story. Good back story, but back story nevertheless. Where's the plot gone? You tell us all this, they eat and go to sleep.
Well, that's an exciting ending.
It felt like you had this really good idea for a character in a certain situation, but then didn't know what to do with her. And trust me, I know how that feels. I've done it a hundred times. But look at the life you've created for Lidia. Choose a point in it and form the story around that. Here, you sort of show us the day, then go back and tell us how she got there. It would even be better the other way around, the knight talking about how they met, them defeating the dragon, then ending. The arc at the moment is sort of flat and a bit messed up.
III. OVERALL
Good for what it was, but I got the impression that there was much more behind it all that I wanted to see!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hi again, Rosey!
There were only two major comments that I really had with this part.
Firstly, I want to say that it is indeed a major, major improvement over the first part. I think you fixed a lot of the problems-the quick pace, lack of characterization, and confusing story-with this part. I was now able to sense a real connection between the knight and the narrator. I can tell they've known each other for a while and have really established a genuine relationship. The pace, and thus the story, was much easier to follow.
About my second comment, I agree with Sammi that this is unfinished. I really only sense it as a start to idea. I like how you mentioned the whole talking-to-dragons thing in this part, but you never really go into more detail about the power. You just have your characters bring it up briefly, and that is that.
You've got me interested in this story and these characters. Not really much happens throughout, but I think you did a job of setting up something more. That's really what this is. Okay, so the narrator has a promise of something other then the life he's living right now. He has a power. The knight is somewhat rude. Yeah, so? Try to think of threads that will give a memorable story to set these memorable characters.
Good luck revising, dear, and PM me if you have any questions!
-Elinor xo
Hey Rosey!
Of course I liked this, I mean who wouldn't? Dragons, tension, great dialogue, it has everything I love.
The only thing that bothers me is that you open up so many doors with this that you cease to fill. There are so many unanswered questions, so many things I want to ask. This is an unfinished story, an unfinished idea, in my mind. I didn't see an ending, I saw a new beginning. I think that's the way you intended it, but I hate it when things end like that, haha.
What I mean by opening up so many doors was that you mentioned a book. Okay, why would you mention it if you weren't going anywhere with it?
You mentioned the village, but we never see it? Why, just so that it would seem as though they had a destination?
With stories like these, stories that seem like they have no ending, it seems that writers do it so that readers can create the rest of the story in their minds. You gave me so unanswered specifics, I can't make it up in my mind. I have to stay along your straight path and wonder all these things... I don't know, it just bugs me!
But, your writing is great. You put so little description in there, yet the writing is still powerful and full. That is something I cannot and probably will never be able to do; you write naturally, like you don't even have to try and your readers can picture your characters. In this short story, I can picture the boy and the girl, their faces, their voices, ugh it's incredible.
Oh and one more thing, is the night her master? If so, I would clarify that because it seems as though there's three people and then one is lost.
Great writing!
Classy