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140,597 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
I could see that this was a piece of a story... I really liked it and it used very good descriptive details. It was very vivid in my mind. The part about the scarf over the nose and mouth was odd, but I really liked where it was placed when you were talking about the clothes. It was very hard to understand since we don't know who the character was and what was happening, but I rather liked it compared to everyone else. I write weird, not only because I'm twelve, but because I don't like writing like normal authors. I understand why you placed everything where it was and I thought it was a really good piece. Keep writing, I really love your work ^-^
I enjoyed this alot!!! I love anything Dragon related and this had a ton of potential. I was a little confused as I went through it- there felt like there was a lack of character devolpment. I realise this was a pretty short chapter to develop these characters, but if anything causes me to put down a book, it's anoying underdevolped characters. Overall though, I really enjoyed the idea.
Hey Rosey! I'm soooo super duper sorry about not getting to this sooner. I totally forgot about my WRFF thread and then I got swamped with finals.
But on to the review! Or at least to review what everyone else hasn't already apparently beaten me to!
'a lot' just sounds awkward here. It's just a suggestion, but what about "After more groaning and breathless..." Or something.
Oops! 'gripped' ?
This part really confused me. I just have no idea what's going on. I mean, leaving something to hang onto is good, but this seems like too much. But then again, maybe I'm the one confused.
Overall though, this is good and all but it does seem to be lacking something in the style. Things just seem kind of flat. The idea, I like. It's just the presentation I'm not completely fond of.
But that will not stop me! On to part two!
Well I really liked this. I thought it was well-done and interesting, though the actual poisoning I didn't get until I went through and read it again. I'm not sure using 'beathes' as a unit of measuring time is a good idea, just because readers could easily get confused and think you're talking about actual breathing- that's what I thought until I went back and read it again.
Other than that, I have no complaints- I liked it a lot, and I'd love to read a continuation when you post one.
Good luck!
Hello Rosey.
You serious? There is a dragon nearby and she isn't even slightly afraid or tensed? In addition, avoid using weak verbs like "waiting". You make it seem as though the narrator's too relaxed and hence stripping away the "power" of this scene. Also, what master are you talking about? You like mentioned this dude with like no prior introduction.
Come on, how would you know if the dragon really had 30 breaths left? If he is tiring out, then wouldn't he be breathing rather heavily? Won't he be like staggering a bit?
When you had the narrator being thankful that what she was wearing was concealing her from the dragon, I was like "...what the heck are you doing there facing a dragon if you are thankful for that?" I dunno, it makes the narrator seem a bit whiny.
You could of mentioned the fact that the narrator had drugged her dagger much earlier in the piece. I was lost as to what you meant by the counting.
I like the idea of a dragon carrying away a merchant's prize, but there's currently no meaning behind this. I want to know what the narrator and/or her master thought about this.
This bit of characterization (if you can even call it that) comes out of nowhere. One minute, you were talking about defeating the dragon, the next it goes right to this? Where's the transition?
Overall impressions:
Eh, I thought this was quite boring to read actually, no offense. A big part of this would be because it's in first person. To be successful with first person, you need to establish who the character is, what his/her motives are, thoughts/feelings etc. But here, you did none of that.
We were immediately thrust into a fight scene between the narrator, her master and the dragon without any explanation or background information. As a result, everything seems so random, and it doesn't help the fact that the narrator herself is rather detached from all of this. About halfway through this, I was like "Why should I care?"
If you want to improve on this, then you really need to start having more of a connection with your characters. From what I got of this, your narrator seemed like a flimsy, yet reliable apprentice whereas her master is experienced and knows what he's doing. So why not establish that relationship at the start? E.g: Show the master nodding at his apprentice to drug the dragon and to immediately hide for cover.
And is your apprentice scared or worried in the slightest? You are facing a dragon after all. I mean it's not everyday that your narrator gets to fight a dragon (though I'm sure she has dealt with other things before) so why get into her mind and show more of that fear though lack of experience?
What about your character's personality? You had her snorting at one point so I thought she had somewhat of a tough side to her, but it's so hard to tell, because the narrator has this rather monotonous and bland tone. It's like she doesn't care at all as to what's happening. I mean why were they trying to retrieve the treasure? Why did they want to help out? What were their thoughts on the dragon taking away a merchant's treasure? When did it happen?( a big gray area that you haven't capitalize on. To me, whatever the dragon did seems justified, so there has to be some sort of big prize or stake involved if the apprentice and master were to overlook this fact. Why not have that in the narrator's thoughts?)
I know you can do better than this Rosey. Come on! Consider your words carefully. Focus more on the narrator's fear due to lack of experience against dragons, the rather unusual synergy that the apprentice and master share (it's like a love hate relationship no?) and their thoughts on this "grey area". Avoid mundane details about clothing, weaponry and any other extra info. Focus on the above.
Hope this has helped.
Andy.
Comments in red.
Final thoughts:
You need to shake up your sentence patterns because it's monotonous when you don't.
I have no idea on who the MC is. No name, unclear occupation, not even the gender. Although I'm assuming she's a girl. At least, I think so. I thought she was a guy in the beginning though.
I honestly am a little meh at this story because, well, I don't sympathize with the MC much since I don't know who he/she is. :\ Just a faceless nameless person. 0o
This review is 100% opinion. PM me if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Kara
Hi Rosey!
Nitpicks first. I only noticed two small spelling mistakes:
Matter
Gripped
I found your opening paragraph to be lacking. It didn't make me want to read more. In fact, I thought, "Ugh, fantasy. It's been so long."
The problem with fantasy is that I find it's usually either cliche or vague. Yours was the latter; to tell the truth, I didn't really know what was going on here. Like Stella said, the reader isn't clear on who your characters are. We're not clear on why they're battling a dragon, what the main character is doing in a cave while her (you don't really specify the MC's gender, so I'm assuming) master is running around yelling at a dragon.
If you were going for suspense and mystery, you've got it. But slow down. Give us some imagery so we at least know where we are. Yes, it's a cave but so what? What makes this cave so special that your characters are in it? What makes this dragon so special that they are risking their lives to battle it? Show us.
If you cleared some things up a bit, this would be a great read. Mostly just work on the opening and some imagery.
Hi Rosey!
I didn't really enjoy this. I can definitely see some potential in it, but right now it's just very rough. I had to read it through about three times to really understand what was going on, and during that time, I was just thinking, "Okay! Slow down!" Before I begin the review, I just want to say that you should take one tense and stick with it. At the beginning, you're in present-tense, and afterward, it's in past-tense, and that gets a little confusing.
You're obviously introducing a new world to us, but yet you do little to explain it. I understand that you're trying not to info-dump, and that's good, but can't the reader just have a little, so we at least understand what's going on? I want to echo Stella's comments that were made earlier; give us more information about the characters so we're going to be able to sympathize with them better.
I also didn't really understand what was going on! So, basically, your scene transitions need to be a little bit smoother. You start off in a cave, then an...arena? You make it seem like so, especially with the "official challenge and all of that", but the next thing we know we're still in the cave! think the narrator needs to have more of an active part in the plot of this, because right now he just seems to be standing by.
You could also go into a little bit more detail about this part:
Okay, soo, he just talked to a dragon in it's own language? That is a serious ability, and I would like to know a little bit more about it. Is it common? Why does your character have this power?
Now, I understand it's a first part, but again I'm going to echo Stella's comment-make your beginning just as good as the rest of the story so even the impatient ones can understand what you're going at and stick through your story into the end. PM me if you have any questions! Needless to say, I am looking forward to reading/reviewing this next part.
-Elinor xo
Isha- Thanks!
The "30 breaths" thing is supposed to roughly a minute. Since this is Medieval, they wouldn't have the concept of "minutes" so I needed something else measurable. I always get confused between "breathe" and "breath" so that could be it? (If somebody could provide me a definition and guide to when using each, it would be much appreciated. ^^)
I would have been at the 2k mark so I posted this in parts)
Also, the character confusion thing should be cleared up in the next part.
Shubin- Yeah. But it's only 2k, so one more part and it's done.
Stella- I'd caught one of those nitpicks myself, haha (the dagger thing). I'll have to work on the rest. This was one beginning I didn't actually try to have a full-oh hook, more of a slow drag into the story. I'll probably look at it again sometime.
And the halfway thing... this is what happens when I force myself to not put in too many details at once (bad habit) so I end up putting in not enough. And the second part is twice as long as the first.
I should be posting that part within the next couple of days.
Sarebear- Again, I was trying to keep details out of this part because adding in too many details is a bad habit of mine. xD Hopefully the next part will answer some stuff. If not, I'll come in and edit this part.
I like it a lot! I agree- a little bit more about the poison...maybe a flashback? I enjoyed it and think you should definitely keep going.
Well, HELLO. Look what we have here. Omnomnom.
I. NITPICKS
Rosey, you yourself taught me a lot about beginnings. But I have to say I'm finding this one a little disappointing as a first paragraph. Even if you started with the scales on stone. Someone lying and waiting... I mean, it might be a dragon they're waiting for, but it's hardly thrilling stuff, is it?
I'd rephrase this. It's odd.
Um... wha'?
Why are you giving us this detail now?
I know this is probably a grammatical thing about not ending on a preposition or whatever, but who speaks like this?
of their.
Alright.
II. HALFWAY
That was the impression I got with this- and I realise it's a first part, but still. To me, it seems like you're going halfway with everything. For instance, look at your characters. We know your MC is a magic worker, they work for the knight, and we get an idea of their personality. But we don't know their name, age, gender... bit of a flaw? And the knight himself? At times he seems sympathetic, at times not so much so. We don't have a name for him either. Neither do we know why they're doing this.
As well as that, as great as this is for an introduction, if this is of only two parts, I'm wondering how you're going to fit the whole of the story in the second. Because this is a rather long introduction.
III. OVERALL
It was a good read, don't get me wrong
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Is it a new story?
Wow! I really liked this! I don't have much to nitpick....at all.
I just wanted to know a tad bit more about the character. Obvioiusly he/she has magic, but is it a boy or a girl?
The discription was good and it was all very well written. I really liked it, although I was confused about the 30 breath thing.... Maybe you could visulize slightly more about that?
Well either way this was really good!