Young Writers Society

You really have a remarkable talent for wordplay, and I must say, it's truly impressive. But what slightly throws me off is the lack of cohesiveness. It feels like the wordplay takes center stage in the poem, sometimes overshadowing the intended message. I should mention that the focus on imagery and wordplay seems to outweigh the importance of the actual content. As a result, it creates a captivating atmosphere, but it may struggle to establish a consistent connection with the reader.

Sometimes, certain phrases and metaphors can be a bit puzzling, like "bee breath or bird lichen." When these terms are used without enough context or explanation, it can leave the reader scratching their head, trying to figure out their meaning. As a result, it becomes challenging for the reader to fully connect and engage with the text.


When a piece constantly shifts between subjects without maintaining a clear focus, it can lead to a loss of overall meaning in the message. It raises the question of why we invest our time in reading it if it's not more than simply pleasant. We often seek strong emotions that truly resonate and leave a lasting impact.

save me the foam off the rapids
leave me the light under deep water

I like the way you don't really capitalize anything except for I and O Sun, and didn't have any punctuation. It gives the poem a certain feeling that isn't really like anything I've read before (Though I don't read poetry often). I wrote a poem about the seasons a while ago, but this one is, by far, much better.

Hello there! This is Ina aka loveissourgrapes and I am here to review/comment about your poem. It is really nice by the way, I can imagine the spring, summer, fall and winter air in each line you wrote. It also reminds me of those movies that show scenes of how seasons change in the stories of them.

First impressions. I thought it was about like science or memories about a loved one. I like how you paired spring and summer, and fall and winter together. Also, how you separate them. It reminds me of one of those poems in books with poem compilations like the book Everyman's Poetry by Alexander something, I forgot his last name hehe. It is very poetic too. Overall, I see you've been around this site longer than I did. I was just four years old when you joined c:. You are a good writer and keep on writing! Have a nice day/night.

Hello,
I love your use of natural imagery such as "wither my lungs to walnuts" and "the light under deep water" which evokes a sense of hope as well as an ominous tone- indicating the character is in danger. I especially love the last line: "why didn't the birds say anything" as it neatly wraps up this build-up of tension and the chilly tones one associates with "Winter." The only thing I would say is maybe don't include the labels (e.g., "Fall/Winter") as it will enable readers to infer what you are trying to say/depict from the lines, considering your title is "Season Cycle" which already gives a hint as to what this poem is about. Overall good job, I quite enjoyed reading this.

There's something whimsical to this, and yet the whimsy is set off by an edge. I want to say intuitively it is a rim-of-winter poem: Still flashing fire, but beneath threatening frost.

The rhythm is likewise set off (in the second half) by the short snap of the two-word couplets. Is there a reason that they're only in Fall/Winter, not Spring/Summer?

A few other questions:

Is it the same voice in S/S as in F/W?

I understand why blue is the hue you use in F/W -- why is the forest blue in S/S though?

Would bird-lichen make fruit grow or shine? I love the sounds in that line, but it struck me as I pondered it that bird-lichen didn't seem to fit the way bee breath does. Bees, obviously, breathe (poetically) on fruit tree flowers and pollinate/shine fruit. But birds?

Does "lonely berry" continue into "some season"? "Night flower" seems to follow "under deep water" in the sentence; but sans punctuation, the other is harder to parse.

Not questions:

The voice is lilting and strong, and it certainly makes the poem. Not sure who or what it is; but I could hear it going on. Invariably, that's a sign of strength in a poem: that it stops before talking your head off, but oy, you can imagine it outside the lines still breathing.

Loved the final image, and the question, "why the birds didn't say anything" --

Loved "lungs into walnuts" -- and in fact, that entire stanza. It's a beautiful image of winter.


Altogether, bravo! Thanks for meditation on the seasons.

Toodles,

IMP