A hen may lay
530 eggs within
her lifetime
needing no rooster in her coop it
is an automatic
process but when a hen
goes broody she
will guard those empty eggs
with fluffed up
feathers for seven weeks
four weeks
after they should have hatched
as if those
marble walls held molten gold
or just the
chicks she’d always dreamed of having
a portrait of
myself in fifty years
cracking an egg
and in the broken yolk
seeing a pale
reflection of my face
empty from
dreams left unfulfilled
how could I
walk on eggshells?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Hi there Fortis! I'm here for a short #RevMo review on your chicken poem!
I honestly don't have much to critique, so this review is mostly going to be me saying what worked for me and why
I really, really, really loved the image of "marble walls held molten gold", and how you build on and contrast that idea with a much weaker picture of cracked eggs, broken yolks, and pale reflections. It's the same sort of concept, but it goes from being something fancy and ornate to something frail and fragile, and I thinks it's really clever how you transition from one into the other.
I like the overall stream of consciousness vibe I'm getting from the lack of punctuation / capitalization, and enjambment; it feels messy and disorganized, but in a way that drives home the theme of the poem.
My only real critique is that a few descriptions feel slightly boring or cliche -> for example, (to me personally at least), "fluffed up feathers" isn't adding much ~ something like "spiking feathers like a hedgehog" would be more memorable and effective, I feel (hedgehogs might not fit this poem super well, but I think you get the point).
Overall though, I really enjoyed reading this poem - it's one of my favourite chicken poems I've read so far on the site, which is saying something, since there've been a lot of great ones.
I hope this is useful, and happy #RevMo !
whatcha
Hi there fortis! Niteowl to review.
Overall, I find this an interesting poem, a stream of consciousness where the narrator goes from reflecting on chicken habits to dissecting their own life choices. It seems like perhaps the narrator is unsure if they want children or not. Are these hypothetical children something she truly wants and dreams of, or is it just instinct and the pressures of society making her think she wants kids. Or the "walking on eggshells" bit makes me think she's infertile and can't have biological children even though she wants them. Either way, it's a good analogy.
There are some parts where I think a little more punctuation/structure could be beneficial. The repetition of "seven weeks/four weeks" makes that line hard to read. Perhaps the four weeks line could be put in parentheses so it's clear how the sentence should be read. I also think a stanza break before "a portrait of myself..." might be beneficial. The last line also feels like it could stand out more as a separate stanza.
As an aside, I'm not sure I get the connection between the title and the poem, as no one seems to be asserting anything, but perhaps it's meant to be cryptic.
Overall, I really like this. As always, keep writing!
Hi fortis,
I think this is a very detailed kinda funny poem. I especially like the part where it says,
"as if those marble walls held molten gold"
It has very nice imagery so thumbs up for that!
But I will say this...how you divided up your poem made it hard to read. Also the lack of punctuation made it seem like a really long run on sentence. Maybe try to end each verse better?
Spunkyspacekitty