They were chasing us. Right behind our every step. Flames consumed everything, people were screaming, and the sky wore a thick layer of smoke that made it nearly impossible to breathe. There was nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide.
But the people didn’t lose hope. They ran. We all ran. It was horrific. I can still see the terrified faces of those clinging desperately to their loved ones, hoping to save them. The entire village echoed with cries and screams. Horses roared as the men hunted us down. We never learned who attacked us that night.
My mother grabbed my hand, her grip unyielding. My older sister was gasping for breath as she helped me climb the hill. Everyone was running toward it. Some falling, some being trampled under the panic of the crowd. It was a moment of pure horror. I wasn’t crying like the other children. I was scared, but I was watching everything. We ran.
Mother held both me and my sister as we pushed forward, people bumping into one another in desperation. The orange smoke rising from our burning village could be seen for miles. Even amid the chaos, I could hear my own footsteps, but it felt as though my ears registered nothing except the relentless screams. The hoofbeats of the horses thundered closer as we entered the forbidden forest, a place my people feared. They used to say that those who stepped inside were never seen again. But that night, we had no other choice. We were surrounded.
I clung to my mother’s hand as we fled. People scattered like seeds cast in terror. “Zoey, stay close,” my mother whispered, tightening her hold on me. We kept running, but the horsemen split up, trying to encircle us slowly. In the chaos, we were pressed together, then shoved apart, and suddenly I lost her hand.
I fell. But it wasn’t the forest floor that caught me. It wasn’t leaves. It was blood. I looked up to see a lifeless body. My scream tore through the night as someone grabbed me and lifted me from the ground.
Mother was gone. My sister was gone. I was running with a stranger, but not for long. People were being slaughtered all around me. I didn’t look back. That was the moment I understood true horror, and I finally cried. I kept running until I reached a riverbank. The screams and chaos faded behind me, replaced by the soft murmur of the water. I collapsed there, overwhelmed, and drifted into unconsciousness.
When I woke, my body felt numb. I wrapped my arms around myself and cried. My heart was still shaking, still convinced it could hear the screams. I sobbed until I had no breath left. That night, I lost my family. I was covered in blood. It was a night I can never forget. That night still lives in me.
Even after eleven years, it feels like yesterday. I am no longer that little girl. I am a warrior. I don’t run anymore. I fight. That night awakened something in me. A thirst for revenge, for peace, for the happiness that was stolen from me.
It has been four years since I began tracking those monsters, listening, watching their every move, waiting for the perfect moment to reclaim what was taken. Years have passed. I have trained relentlessly, learning to wield a sword, to aim, to fire, to build a new self from the ashes of my old life.
I am no longer Zoey.
I have become something I cannot fully explain. The person I am now has a burning heart, still aching for the mother and sister who are lost, perhaps dead. But revenge always comes. Brutal or merciful, it always comes.
I am the girl who carries the dragon sword.
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Canary word: Present
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Hey Roohas, welcome to YWS. It's a great community if you are willing to participate. I'm excited to review your work!
First Impressions
Your pacing was well done; I definitely felt the panic and horror. It builds towards the themes of revenge and loss skillfully. I think there are some word choices that are a little clunky, and I might change. The theme of destruction, revenge, and horror, though well done, is somewhat cliché. It has been done to death in this style of fantasy. Though not necessarily a sign of poor artistry, I think it's an important thing to note. If I picked this up in a library or bookstore, I would not keep reading - not necessarily because what I’ve read is bad, but because it’s something I’ve read a thousand times before. It is not that those themes are not worth exploring, but the opening scenes of destruction and horror to establish our angsty revenge-seeking main character are nothing new - and therefore, nothing compelling. I would suggest either trying to put a new spin on it, or beginning with something different, and bringing in those themes later. You have skill, and I can imagine your story will be exciting, but prove to me that it is worth reading when compared to everything else like it that I could read.
Into Specifics
I find the phrase ‘the people didn’t lose hope’ somewhat strange here. The people seem to be in a panic. Not losing hope normally implies a sense of control and confidence. Now, I understand that you are trying to imply that they are still hoping they can survive and are running for that reason - I think it would be better to use a phrase like ‘But the people still tried, filled with panic and horror.’ or just entirely omit the phrase.
I do really like your pacing of short sentences in this whole chapter, it is well done and fills it with that short-of-breath-terror feeling really well.
I think the sound description here could be cleaned up. You seem to be building a cool image, the internal sound of the footsteps being so clear despite the chaos around - then you immediately cancel that with the idea of only being able to hear the screams. That too, is a cool idea, because it showcases the horror, but before we can really sit in this idea, that idea as well is interrupted by hoofbeats. I would advise first picking whether you will focus on the footsteps or the screams, and then sitting in that idea for a moment longer before you add another sound.
Oooooh, a nice dramatic ending. I like it!
Overall
Overall, the story is skillfully done. The pacing is good, the scenes dramatic - my main thoughts would be to try add a new spin on this classic opening. That might just be my personal preference, but I hope it helps!
That’s all just my two cents! Take what helps and leave the rest.
Thanks and keep writing,
Andrew
I would first like to say welcome to YWS, Roohas! I hope you like it here and find what you're looking for. Your first work already shows much promise and I enjoyed it very much! I am also a sucker for dragons, female warriors, and adventure, so it's no wonder that I liked this short story. You describe the horror of what is going on around and within Zoey extremely well and I was very much gripped until the very end. I was especially impressed by how you described the turmoil when Zoey was separated from her mother and sister. These sentences were my favorite part of the whole story: "I fell. But it wasn’t the forest floor that caught me. It wasn’t leaves. It was blood. I looked up to see a lifeless body. My scream tore through the night as someone grabbed me and lifted me from the ground". Something that I would critique is that it will probably sound better if you said: "It was a night I could never forget, and ever since, its memory continues to live inside me--like a parasite feeding on its host" (Took some artistic liberty there towards the end, forgive me). I also think it would be "When I awoke" not "When I woke". Otherwise, you did an amazing job and I truly look forward to you publishing more of your writing. Can't wait to see you again!
Thank you so much! I'm really glad you enjoyed my writing. And thanks for the tips, will definitely consider them. Can't wait to share more of my work here.