Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Rebirth
Prologue:
I had him in my sights, and I was determined not to lose him. I ran madly through the forest, brushing past tree after tree barely feeling of the sting of the small cutes I was receiving from them. My body was battered and bruised from the battle that had just taken place, but I was not going to let that going stop me from finding the creature that I yearned to kill the most. After what felt like a eternity of trees I came to the clearing where the figure I had been pursuing was standing patiently, almost appearing like he was waiting for me. Despite my body screaming at me to stop I ran out to the figure, stopping only a few feet away.
“Turn and face me, for this is where you die tonight!"
I said with heavy breathing and my hand resting on the hilt of my sword. The figure turned around as I had command, but oddly enough had a smirk across his face. Seeing this smirk on his face made my blood boil with rage, but I kept body under control.
“well well look who it is. “
the creature in front of me said with a voice all to familiar to me. He continued speaking in a calm voice accompanied by that blood boiling smirk.
“If it isn't Damian, or should I call you the wolf slayer?” he said with a mocking tone.
“Call me what you wish, but I will slay you here and now!” I said strongly as my breathing had returned to normal and drew my sword from its resting place.
“Do you really think you can kill me Damian?”
“I know I can and you will pay for your treachery against me and everyone who has died at you hand. You will met them in the after life and beg for their forgiveness!”
With that I had charged forward toward him, I swung my blade but I couldn't hit him. He danced around my strikes as if they were nothing.
“Poor Damian, looks like all that training has paid off ha-ha-ha!”
That laugh... that all too familiar laugh had filled me with pure rage. I charged out of pure emotion, forgetting my training, my goal . I was blinded and over taken by my rage, swinging and swinging, lunge after after lunge. None of my strikes hit, this this.... thing that may have at one time been a human, but that was a time ago. I needed to make this creature suffer for what it had done, but my blade would not make contact. I could feel the fatigue beginning to weigh down my body. The creature jumped back from me and out of range of my blade, smiling, looking down upon me as if it was pitting me.
“Poor poor Damian, it looks as if you reached the end of the line”
I ran at the creature with my sword gripped tightly, with my sword tucked into my body preparing for one final jab. The creature stood motionless, as my blade came at his heart. I pushed my sword out in my final attempt to slay this thing.
“This is it this will be the one that hits and kills this beast.” I screamed to myself. The blade met air, and the thing I earned to kill the most vanished. In that second I felt pain that I could have never imagine. I was paralyzed by this pain that had taken over my body. I didn't know where it had come from, but I wanted it to stop and leave my body. It was not till I looked down, that I saw what had caused this feeling, this pain. A hand or what seemed to be a hand had ripped threw my chest. It was crimson stained with my blood and as fast as it had entered , it was gone. Leaving a pool of blood to escape, I fell to the ground. I stared up at the night sky and felt my body bleed out. As I laid there it was getting harder and harder to breath. As I felt my last breaths approaching, I felt helpless and I coursed myself as I waited for death.
“This can't be the end.”
“I was suppose to kill him”
“To make him pay for what he has done”
As the darkness begins to creep over me and my final breaths arrive, the creature that I swore to kill had stood over me. Looking down upon me that blood boiling smirk. He had leaned down so he was closer to my face and said his final words to me,
“Good-bye little brother.” He said in a smooth voice from behind that all too familiar smirk.
As he stood up to go I used my last breath to barely whisper
“Grayson”
The darkness consumes me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,792 Reviews
Alright! HopelessAbandon here to review! Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you, but here I am as promised!
If I repeat anything, apologies, I tried to read the other reviews but it may happen anyway.
Just a sort of side note, my spelling might be a bit off since I'm not too great at it, and my spell check seems to be out on my google chrome. O.o
Okay, some nitpicks:
Okay, to me, this doesn't need a comma, but I know someone else told you to include it. Generally I just try to put comma's where there needs to be a distinct pause, and this sentence does not really have one. I could be wrong, but that's what I was taught. :/
Should be a comma after "tree"
Should be "cuts" not "cutes"
comma after "trees"
So, for this part, this should probably be all one paragraph, and then start a new paragraph after this sentence. Also, should be something like, "I said, breathing heavily," or something like that instead of "with heavy breathing". Just a suggestion, but it sounds a tad awkward the way you have it.
Should be "Well, well, look who it is."
This should be in the same paragraph as what was being said, so it'd read "Well, well, look who it is," the creature in front of me..." etc. And then start a new paragraph after this sentence.
Comma after "can".
Should be a semi-colon instead of comma.
Did you mean pitying?
Should be a period at the end of this sentence.
Should be it's own paragraph, with a comma after "beast" instead of a period.
Should be "imagined"
Should be a comma after both "hand"'s. Also should be "through" not "through".
Did you mean "cursed myself"?
Should be a comma after "brother" and "he" shouldn't be capitalized.
Should be one paragraph, with a comma after "whisper", and a period after "Grayson".
General comments:
-->Just in the future, I would suggest reading your work outloud before you post it, and where you pause, you probably would add a comma there.
-->Also, just another general thing, if you repeat a descriptor word, like "trees" for example, I would try using a synonym just so that it doesn't get repetitive. You also use "said" a lot, or the same expressions such as "blood boiling" often, so I would try to change it up a little.
-->You switch tenses a decent amount. Try to decide which one you'd like to stick with and go with that. Also, you use the passive tense a lot (e.g. "had done") something you might want to change to make your piece more impactful.
-->Your sentences are generally about the same length: short. I would try varying things a bit so that it flows better. This is just a kind of personal preference kind of thing, but I think it'd really improve your story.
Overall:
I liked where you were heading with this. It's got an interesting topic, and you could really go places with how you've set the story up; I'm curious to see what angle you'll take. However, you've definitely got some stuff to fix, most of which you could solve by a few more read throughs.
Hello there, Bassy here
Review time.
By the way I really like the title, simple and says a lot 
So really really amazing work, hope to read more, and of course ROCK ON my friend. 
Perks got most of the mistakes, which there wasn't much. The only mistake I caught that wasn't mentioned was
"Turn and face me, for this is were you die tonight," I believe you meant to write where instead of were, but that is a minor mistake so don't freak out, it happens to many writers especially when your a fast writer, and engulfed in your own thrilling story. Overall I really think your story is intriguing, and I'm excited to read even further, and see where it takes me. ( A world filled with rainbows is not a place I would enjoy being dragged to XD) anyways, amazing job, and just keep writing this was my favorite art of your suspenseful prologue:
“This can't be the end.”
“I was suppose to kill him”
“To make him pay for what he has done”
As the darkness begins to creep over me and my final breaths arrive, the creature that I swore to kill had stood over me. Looking down upon me that blood boiling smirk. He had leaned down so he was closer to my face and said his final words to me,
“Good-bye little brother.” He said in a smooth voice from behind that all too familiar smirk.
As he stood up to go I used my last breath to barely whisper
“Grayson”
The darkness consumes me!
Every time I read this, I feel a sudden chill, it's amazing! And I love chiller feelings, it's in my style XD. You have really good imagery, and the dialogue is smooth and flows, which is good for the reader to comprehend what the hell is going on
Thank you, I'm glad you liked it
No problem!
Wow! Okay, just let me say this: great job on this! I really liked how you introduced the character as a determined, fierce individual. That's a good grabber you got there! I have to say there were some errors in this, not too distracting, but some. For example, you need to add more commas in your sentences, and put punctuation in your quotation marks.
"I had him in my sights and I was determined not to lose him." should be
"I had him in my sights, and I was determined not to lose him."
"Turn and face me, for this is were you die on this night" sounds a little awkward, maybe it could be
"Turn and face me, for this is were you die tonight," just make sure you have the comma at the end!
I seriously think that you should look through your story again just skimming it, as it looks like there are quite a few typos that are an easy fix! This is a pretty good story, you just have to look it over for a few minutes. Thanks for writing this, and have a great day!
Love,
Perks
Thank you very much for the feed back its really helpful and I'm very glad you liked it
You're very welcome