Prologue
Carrie was curled up sound asleep when she felt someone frantically, but gently shaking her. She opened her 12 year old little eyes and saw her father looking down at her.
“Da what's going on?” She asked rubbing her eyes tiredly.
“It's going to be alright, but you have to listen to what Da says and do exactly what I tell you. Do you understand sweetheart?” He asked. She could tell something was going on because her father had a frantic tone to it even if he was trying to seem calm for her sake.
“Alright. What do I have to do?” She asked making herself sit up in bed to listen to what he told her.
“You need to hide. Some bad people are coming here and they want to hurt us. You need to hide so they can't find you. And once you don't hear anyone in the house for a long time you need to run. No matter what you see you have to run. Do you understand?” He explained slowly making sure it all sunk in. She nodded that she understood and he helped her out of bed and led her over to the wardrobe in the corner and told her to hide inside under clothes.
“Da I'm scared.” She confessed fidgeting as she lay curled up in the wardrobe as her father started to pile clothes onto of her. He stopped his task for a moment to kneel down beside her.
“It's going to be fine sweetheart. I promise you'll be safe. Just do as Da says and don't make any noise while the people are here. Alright?” He told her. She nodded and he smiled softly before reaching up to unclasp the medallion he always wore and put it around her neck.
“This will help protect you. And what has daddy taught you about these medallions?” He asked testing her. His voice soft and patient as it always was when he was teaching his daughter.
“Don't let people see it. Otherwise they may try to hurt me.” She said confidently knowing the answer well.
“That's my girl. Now remember no matter what you see when you come out you have to run. Alright sweetheart? Remember Da loves you more then anything in the whole world.” He promised kissing her forehead which she returned with a kiss on his cheek telling him she loved him too before he piled clothes on top of her.
*****
When Carrie woke up a few hours later she hadn't even known she would fall asleep, but remembered to keep still to check if she heard anyone for a long time. After awhile she climbed out of the wardrobe. There in the middle of the bedroom was her father laying in a puddle of his own blood. She ran over to him and checked his pulse like he had taught her when teaching her to help heal people. When she felt nothing she felt tears start streaming down her face.
“Daddy. Wake up Daddy. I need you.” She sobbed before remembering his word about how no matter what she saw to run and looking around frantically.
*****
Carrie sat straight up in bed in a cold sweat. She frantically looked around the room trying to remember where she was and where she was going as she tucked her medallion below her shirt almost as second nature. She wasn't 12 years old anymore. It had been a long time since she had been to her old home, but the memory of her father's death still haunted her in her dreams as if it had happened only the day before. She laid there in the bed of the inn calming her breathing before getting out of bed and pulling on her trousers. She should move on. She knew she couldn't stay anywhere for too long. That was a fact of life when you live your life on the run. She ran her fingers through her hair in frustration. She decided after a short time she would leave at first light. Find some work for the day if all possibly and a bed for the night if she was lucky. She had been in this town for too days and that was too long. She would have to be more careful in the future she reminded herself as she pulled on her boots and pulled up her hair before packing up the few possessions she had. Just before daybreak she made her way downstairs, paid what she owed, and was off to the cruel reality of the life of her people. That of being hunted down and having to fight for the right to even live.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I like it! It captivated me right from the start! I liked the father's relationship with his daughter, (Touching). You also set the scene very well. One thing I would work on is 12 year old Carrie. I don't think many twelve year olds would act like a child. I think maybe have push back the fears like she wants to be grown up but some child is coming out in her. It would make it more realistic. Nice Job!
Hello! This is a gripping start to your story. It is an exciting opening, and it does a good job of building tension for what is to come. The main character seems to be well-developed, with a strong voice.
The story is well-written, and the descriptions are good. But there are a few sentences that you might want to reword. For example:
"She could tell something was going on because her father had a frantic tone to it even if he was trying to seem calm for her sake." This sentence is somewhat confusing, and the descriptions are a bit vague. Perhaps you could make it, "She could tell something terrible was happening, because although her father was trying to stay calm for her sake, his voice had a frantic tone to it."
There are some places where it would help to add commas. Here are a few examples:
"'What do I have to do?' She asked making herself sit up in bed to listen to what he told her."
This should be, "'What do I have to do?' she asked, making herself sit up in bed..."
"No matter what you see you have to run."
This should be, "No matter what you see, you have to run."
The grammar in the story is fine, but I noticed a few small mistakes:
"She laid there in the bed of the inn." That should be, "She lay there..."
"Find some work for the day if all possibly." I think this should say, "if at all possible."
"Her father started to pile clothes onto of her." This should either say "onto her," or "on top of her."
"'Da loves you more then anything in the whole world.'" That should say "more than anything."
This is a very good start to your story, and I look forward to reading the next chapters. Keep writing!
Hi there! I love the story so far, and I hope you publish more chapters soon. Only thing that really caught my eye was "she had been in this town for ('too' change to 'two') days and..." Also was hoping for a setting and a little more character description or illustration. Really good stuff!
Wow!