In the barn she lay,
Gazing at the hay.
In the field she stood,
Staring at the mud.
Staring at the mud.
Blankness filling her mind,
As she silently drifts away
What a starnge but beautiful day.
Looking at the river.
He takes another cast,
Today shall be his last.
Today shall be his last.
Blankness filling his mind,
As he silently drifts away.
It's the price he has to pay.
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140,590 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
I think the rhyming in this is to forced. Poetry doesn't have to have rhyme. That's your choice though...oh well that's all I can think of for the time being.
I like what you're trying to say, I just have trouble with a few inconsistencies.
Poetry itself certainly does not have to rhyme or follow a distinct rhythmic (or other) pattern, but the way your poem is laid out is a tad...off-balance.
I think if you're going to make 3 of your 4 stanzas 4 lines, you should go ahead and convert the divergent one. Having one of them only 3 lines long makes the poem itself sound awkward. If you're going for no particular pattern, then make your differences in lines more apparent. It just seems with the other stanzas following a more distinct regiment, the outlier should as well to tie the piece back together.
My other issue is with the rhyming and then lack of rhyming. Again, the inconsistencies in this confuse me as a reader. Are you trying to rhyme stood and mud? Phonetically, they don't rhyme, but maybe that was your point? I don't know, I'm confused at the pattern (or lack there of) you're trying to create.
Also, "strange" is spelled incorrectly in the 2nd stanza (:
I want you to continue writing and develop your ideas more in this piece. Why do they both die? Are they lovers? Why must he pay a price? Is the same girl in the barn and in the field, or are they different?
I liked the repetition of the line ending stanza 1 and beginning stanza 2, ditto for stanza 3 and 4. I thought it was really clever, but did you think about possibly linking stanzas 2 and 3 in the same way? Just a thought to give the poem more coherence.
Overall, good work and keep writing (: