Nothing compares to you,
At dawn there shall be dew
upon the grass, I shall reach
for my magnifying glass.
That little speck of water will not surpass.
No way will it ever be as beautiful as you.
Nothing compares to you,
At dusk there will be a reddish hue
covering the land. The sun will be
unseen from where I stand.
Just to my eyes a colourful stretching band.
But this sight shall never be as beautiful you.
.
.
.
.
Nothing compares to you.
When dusk has fled and dawn is delayed.
Darkness is upon us because the sun has strayed.
Then the world will see how your beauty dosen't fade,
And never again will there be another comparison made.
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140,590 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
Hey there Rodhead! June here!
Mars has covered some of the important stuff that I would have touched on, so here's my two cents:
redish should be reddish, dear.
I think that this poem is a decent start, but I definitely feel that there's room for elaboration. The ideas here are common, and I feel that it won't strike many as interesting without more explanation on these ideas dear.
I also feel that you were restricted by rhyme. Some of your ideas here were absolutely wonderful, but I think that had you not felt that you needed this to rhyme it could certainly be better.
I certainly do love comparing this person to the beauty of Nature. Very dramatic idea there.
So, with a bit of polishing and reworking, I feel you'll have an excellent piece of work.
~ Juniper
Hey Rod!
At dawn there shall be due 'Due' is like a due date for an assignment. 'Dew' is what's on the leaves in the morning.
That little speck of water will not surpass. Surpass what? I mean, this 'you' obviously but I think you should rephrase this even if it's just replacing the period with a dash.
Just to my eyes a colourful red stretching band. Yeah, this line has too many syllables for the rhythm. I suggest cutting out either the 'red' or the 'stretching'.
So, I definitely agree; the natural beauty in those images were, well, beautiful. I like that you kept that theme and managed not to go overboard with it; two stanzas was definitely enough to convey the meaning. Sweet and simple wins the ...poetry contest. Or something.
I'd just read it out loud a couple of times, because it sounds a bit awkward at times. Think about the wording.
Hope this helps!
-Mars
Thanks for your helpful comments.
I have taken your advice and 'modified' the poem.
I hope you prefer this one
Rodhead, It was filled with natural beauty. Very lovely.
Nobody else compares to you,
Absolutely no one.
Believe me, I've tried a few.
. . .
I miss you so much;
From your crazy stories
To you gentle touch.
. . .
The way we were
And can never be,
Burnt a hole inside of me..
. . .
But time does pass.
And wounds, they heal
No longer a fragile piece of glass.
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well........this poem is alright but it definitely is not great.
please make the changes suggested by galerius, then your poem will definitely get better.
The wording and imagery is all wrong. Imagery - because there is none. It's just a brick load of words falling onto the reader's head without warning. If nobody compares, then you would get a much better reaction by actually emphasizing that point. Don't repeat the same statement like you did in the second line - in fact, delete that line - but continue with the idea, make some sort of analogy or metaphorical basis for the claim.
The last line sounds like you're smoking cigarette and choosing the best one. Is this how you want to be seen from the boyfriend-girlfriend lens? I'd assume not, so replace that line with a phrase that doesn't sound as universally cold,
Get rid of this entire stanza. There's no way to save it.
Ironically, this (especially the last line) works because of the cigarette connection the reader made in the first stanza. Still, since that wasn't your intention, the hole burning makes no sense because it's a random image thrown in between words, sandwiched between dryness. You need to build to this, spread some more descriptions of fire or smoke throughout the poem and then build to your heart burning.
The two lines above the burning one, however, are bad and cliched. The entire "can never be" has been used too much. Replace them, preferably with something delving into the fire imagery I mentioned.
Never wait in a poem to deliver a completely different theme at the end, one that none of the other stanzas have even hinted to, let alone mentioned. Unfortunately, this is what you've done here, and now you have two choices. You can either change the content of this last stanza or change the content of the rest of the stanzas. Altering the ending would be easier.
Actually, what would be easiest would be throwing away this poem entirely and starting a new one. This piece is a ship with too many gaping holes that are flooding with water. Bail out and use reader suggestions to create a new, better poem.
Hope that helped.