Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Chapter 10
The hovercraft sped across the sea, occasionally hitting a rough wave that would’ve thrown everyone out of their seats if it weren’t for the seatbelts. The Hovercraft was definitely outfitted for combat situations. It could fire four short range missiles and had duel 25mm machine guns mounted on both sides. Blake was piloting the craft while Brittany, Maximus, and Brianna clutched whatever they could to hold themselves down.
“Scoot over your taking up all my space!” Brittany shouted at Maximus.
“What?” He shouted back.
“I said you’re taking all my space!”
“I can’t hear you, the craft is too loud! Can you scoot over? You’re kind of taking all my space.”
“Are you sassing me?” Brittany asked.
“Just please be quiet!” Brianna shouted at the two of them.
“How much longer until the factory?” Brianna asked Blake.
“About fifteen more minutes. As bad as that attack was though, it did have an upside. We had originally planned to leave the base at six in the morning, and now it’s almost three and we’re only twenty minutes away, so you’ll have plenty of time for rest once we get there.”
“But won’t they push back the time for the attack if they know were going to be there.” Maximus asked.
“No. If anything, they’ll take longer to prepare. Remember, we were supposed to have been captured already. They’ll probably have to make arrangements for the fact we’re going to be there.” Blake answered.
“I just hope those guys will give me a new jetpack for defending their factory. I left my other one back at the base.” Brianna said.
“I think the Plutarch’s will reward us for our service. Don’t know if they’ll be willing to give up any tech though. They’re pretty attached to their electronics.”
Blake scanned the horizon, looking for any sign of land. To his right, he thought he could catch glimpses of Delvis’s millennium tower, but the waves made it too difficult to tell. He wished he had something to check and see if they would die down soon. It was surprising there were waves, since the moon wasn’t even in the sky yet. He could never get used to how big Caliber was. It apparently took a satellite a 2 months to circle the planet, so the ones they commonly used followed the planets rotation with rockets installed on them so they could stay above the continent that needed them, but that also meant that once they ran out of fuel, they were gone until they fell back to the planet. Thanks to the Plutarch’s though, human technology had made a significant leap forward since the first humans arrived almost 130 years ago. But apparently the Avos had lived here longer at 150 years before humans even arrived. Just like humans, the Avos had left their home planet due to an unsustainable population and growing air pollution. They hadn’t relied as heavily on technology as humans had on Earth, but it still had happened. When Humans first arrived, the Avos were about in the 1940s when it came to technology. They had just re-invented the television, but their magic made up for lack of technology. They had lost a lot of data on how to build many things when they left, and had begun rebuilding from scratch. None of them could remember how to build a spaceship, and the ships they had arrived on fell into disrepair and were eventually taken apart for raw material. The only unknown people were the Plutarch’s. No one knew how long they had been on the planet, or what their society was even like. They hated sunlight and preferred to live underground and if they ever came above ground, it was in the shelter of large indoor complexes like the one they were going to defend. They gladly exchanged their own technology for information possessed by the other species. The entire history of the American Civil war won humans holographic keyboards and other interaction mechanisms. And WWII got them cybernetics.
“Is that it?” Maximus shouted, pointing straight ahead.
A smokestack was just visible on the horizon, releasing smog into the air.
“Man, that was quicker than I thought. Get ready people. We’re about to start Caliber’s first war.” Blake shouted, but he knew that wasn’t true. Try as he might, he would never forget Vesper.
The room was the definition of cozy. Some books sat on a shelf mounted on the wall, a small tv with a video game system (the Mac cube 4) hooked up to it sat on a small entertainment center, with several movies and games nestled on the shelves. Another shelf had several plush birds and a simple radio clock resting on it and next to the shelf was a poster advertising the 3rd season of some TV show broadcast in both Delvis and Arcadia. Underneath the shelf and poster was a queen sized bed. But the bed was not empty. Sleeping in it was a boy, about 12 years old in appearance. He was sleeping peacefully as faint light from the stars shone through the window. The curtains were pulled back to allow a perfect view of outside the room. The window looked out onto a large courtyard, surrounded on all sides by walls with other apartments built into them. The difference between this room and the others though was that there were metal shutters blocking these. In fact, this room was the only one without shutters on the window. They were there to prevent any escape attempts made by the inmates there. The building wasn’t technically a prison. The warden, Mrs. Quarles, preferred the term correctional facility. But despite the boy’s presence in a correctional facility, he hadn’t done anything wrong. No, he wasn’t convicted wrongly; he had just been there for as long as he could remember. He was allowed furnishings in his room, and his only obligation was to attend a private class taught by the warden. The only people he had actually grown close with were the warden and the facilities assistant doctor. He knew the Warden well because it was her that taught the classes, and he saw the doctor about every week for checkups and care of broken bones he received from playing outside. Fortunately, the assistant had a medicine that quickly fixed his broken bones. Only 1/5 of all the inmates actually knew of his existence, and only ¼ of those actually cared enough to chat with him, much to the disparagement of Mrs. Quarles. He had never left the facility in all his life. It was his home and the only thing he knew. The poster above his bed showed the main characters of the tv show, three humans and three Avos, but the boy was not aware that Avos were real. He had only ever seen humans, and had no idea about the world beyond the facility. He had just assumed that the Avos in the show were just really good computer animation. He had been kept in ignorance his whole life, but all that would change this night.
At 2:57, the entire room started rumbling. One of the stuffed animals fell off the shelf, landing on the boy’s head. He opened his eyes, revealing they had a burnt orange color. Noticing the rumbling, he sat up, looking around the room. This wasn’t the first time he had heard this noise, but it was the first time it had ever happened at night. The boy jumped up from his bed and ran over to his window. Looking out, he saw a ship flying overhead, but it wasn’t the kind commonly used for bringing in new inmates. This one was a military grade drop ship that the boy had seen in a picture book when he was younger. Interested in this, the boy slipped on some dark clothes and opened his door into the hallway. Unlike the other rooms, his was unlocked at all times, but he was still expected to stay inside his room after curfew. The usual guards were gone now, likely off in the break room. There were probably only a few of the old senile night guards now. The path clear, the boy snuck off towards the landing pad.
Morg stood up from his seat as the ship neared the landing pad. Before it even touched the ground though, he jumped out and landed on the ground, startling the waiting guards. Morg turned back to the ship, checking to make sure it was landing properly. The last thing he wanted was the ship to fall off the side of the building.
“Morg!” A familiar voice shouted over the sound of the engines. Morg turned, and saw the familiar face of the Doctor as he walked through the door leading onto the landing pad, followed by four guards.
“Hey Doc. Got your birds right inside the ship, though one of them needs medical attention.”
“Yes, yes you’ve already told me. My assistant is bringing up a gurney. Are the other two secure?”
“Sure are. But have you got any of those magic things on you? I think the prisoners are getting strong enough to throw some spells our way.”
“Of course I have them. I’m no fool.” The Doctor said, pulling out three collars studded with odd purple gems and made out of black metal.
“You wouldn’t believe the alarms that occur when you purchase magical items from Arcadia, but luckily I have clearance from Alek for these.”
“I’d figure. Alek still hasn’t gotten around to fixing the systems at the CHI, but I’m sure he’ll fix what those old men that used to be in charge did.”
“Quite right. Now, let’s see those specimen’s you brought.”
Morg nodded, turning back to the ship. It had landed securely on the pad, and the ramp was already lowering. The soldiers stood waiting with Rosh sandwiched between them. Liberi was still buckled into her seat alongside the still comatose Martin. The Doctor beckoned for them to come down the ramp.
“Though I have procured some data on Avos anatomy, I have yet to actually get any live subjects.” The Doctor chatted absent mindedly to Morg, who hardly held any interest and so just nodded.
“Did you know that if Avos have any human DNA in them, their bones and muscles become much more developed than regular ones? The females also begin to develop more human like breasts. Likely to nurse any offspring they may have with a human, should they choose a human as their mate.”
“Really?” Morg mocked interest.
“Oh yes. One would think that heavier bones would limit their ability to fly, but their more developed wing muscle’s compensate for their added weight.”
“You don’t say.”
“It is surprising, really, that Avos and humans actually possess the ability to produce offspring with each other. As interesting as it is though, I find the whole thing rather detestable. Why a human would ever want to reproduce with an Avos is beyond me. Rebellion or perhaps trying the taboo thing. Humanity will always try and rebel against social conventions and laws, no matter how hard you enforce them.”
Morg was paying more attention to Rosh than the Doctor. He was glaring at Morg as the guards walked by him.
“I have been focusing more of my study as of late as to why the Avos bear resemblance to birds found back on Earth, and why there are no Chicken, Turkey, or any other game bird variants of Avos. I have several theories, but nothing solid. My best guess is that an advanced alien civilization might’ve come to Earth at some point and collected specimens that eventually mutated into what we see before… wait!” The Doctor shouted at two of the guards that were walking Liberi down the ramp. The guards stopped, looking to their prisoner to see if she had done anything wrong. Morg was just as confused as the soldiers were as the Doctor walked up to Liberi.
“This is a female Avos, yes?” He asked.
“I think so. It has a pretty high pitched voice, but they really don’t have that many distinguishing features aside from the hips.” Morg said. The Doctor stared for a few more seconds before doing something completely unexpected. He reached to her chest and began feeling it. The soldiers looked to each other uncomfortably, not sure where this was going.
“Umm, Doc? What are you…” Morg started.
“Incredible! Notice the flat chest? Not even the slightest hint of development. This is without a doubt a pureblood Avos. Not a drop of human DNA in it. Do you know how rare that is? Humans have contaminated the Avos population, and their DNA has so far been passed down between every generation since the first. It would take maybe another two generations for human DNA to completely pass out of the system. You two, make sure this one is locked up somewhere safe. There’s too much risk leaving it with the others. I will have to run tests to ensure that the other two are not contaminated with human DNA.” The Doctor ordered. The soldiers, recovering from earlier, led Liberi away.
“Someone, get a gurney for the last one.” The Doctor shouted to one of the guards that had accompanied the Doctor onto the landing pad.
“And be sure to get these on them.” The doctor shouted, tossing two of the black metal collars to the guards leading Liberi away.
“Make sure this one gets on the injured one.” The Doctor said, giving the last collar to one of the few remaining guards.
“Well, now that you have this under control, I’m going to go disinfect my hand.” The Doctor said.
Morg looked at him dumbfounded. Just a few moments ago, he had been feeling that Avos all over. And now he was afraid of germs from it. Besides, someone of his… disposition shouldn’t have to worry about disease. The Doctor noticed Morg’s confused look.
“It may have been pureblood, but any alien is nothing but a dirty savage. I wouldn’t want to risk exposing my patients to such filth.” He explained, turning and walking back into the building. As he walked down the stairs back onto the fifth floor of the prison, he reflexively wiped his hand on his lab coat. He walked down the corridor back to his office, but stopped and looked up to see his assistant running towards pushing a gurney. He wasn’t looking where he was going, and almost would have run into the Doctor had he not put his hand up and caught the gurney, instantly stopping it. Startled, his assistant looked up to see his boss looking distastefully at him.
“Oh! Sorry Doctor…” He started but before he could finish, the Doctor shoved the Gurney against him.
“Never use my name in such a public place. Too many ears.”
“Yes, right, sorry. Now, where do you need this gurney?” He asked, pushing slightly forward so it wasn’t digging into his rib cage.
“The roof. Take the service elevator up. There is a wounded Avos in the ship, but I would still recommend restraints. You know how tricky those birds can be.”
“Actually, I’ve never met an Avos bef… yes right the roof.” His assistant said when the Doctor gave him an annoyed look. He hurried by the Doctor, pushing the Gurney. The Doctor continued on his way, but suddenly stopped. He reached into his coat and drew out a small pistol, reminiscent of an Earth firearm.
“Who’s there?” He shouted down the corridor. The Doctor had heard a small cough, and knew that someone was hiding. He walked forward, sure that whoever it was just around the corner. An escaped inmate perhaps?
“I have a gun. I will shoot you unless you come out now.”
A few seconds passed, and then the person behind the cough revealed them self.
“Lukas? What are you doing here?”
The boy, now known as Lukas, had stepped out from behind the corner, a guilty look on his face.
“I just wanted to see the ship…” Lukas said, hanging his head.
“This is a restricted area. You could have been shot, especially at this time of night. And what is with those dark clothes? You could easily have been mistaken for a spy, or any other intruder.” The Doctor scolded.
“I’m sorry.” Lukas said, still avoiding eye contact with the Doctor.
“Now, what all did you see?”
“Nothing. I just saw Mr. Gully with the gurney.” He answered suspiciously quickly.
“I think it’s time you return to your room. And I would suggest that you not sneak out this late anymore. You wouldn’t want to be locked up like all the other criminals, would you?”
“No!” He answered, the idea horrifying to him.
“Good. Now, why don’t you return...”
“What is going on here?” A strong, feminine voice shouted. The Doctor and Lukas both turned, and Lukas wished he could melt away when he saw who it was. It was the warden, Mrs. Quarles, dressed in crimson pajamas, slippers, and old fashioned curlers in her hair, storming down the corridor towards the two. She was a tall, thin woman that reminded Lukas more of this woman he had seen in a century’s old movie about a massive group of dogs called Dalmatians and the evil woman who wanted to make coats out of them.
“Ah yes, Mrs. Quarles. I found Lukas here sneaking around after his curfew, trying to catch a glimpse at what materials the ship that arrived was dropping off.”
“Well what is it dropping off?” She asked angrily. Apparently, the ship had woken her up as well.
“Just as I said, research material. I am not obligated to say more. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must get back to my office.” The Doctor walked past the two remaining people. Mrs. Quarles turned to Lukas.
“Now Lukas,” Mrs. Quarles started in a sickeningly sweet voice.
“What have we said about wandering about after curfew?”
“That it’s dangerous because there are criminals here that want to strangle, decapitate, and steal from me.” Lukas answered, as if he had that explanation memorized. Which he did.
“Good. Now, to make sure this behavior doesn’t continue, I will have to take away your recess privileges for the rest of this week.”
“But that’s the only time I ever get to go outside!” Lukas half shouted.
Mrs. Quarles gave him a light slap across the cheek.
“Don’t talk to me like that young man. Don’t forget, it’s been my job to raise you since you’ve been here, and I bet you wouldn’t talk to your mother that way now would you?”
“No.”
“No what?” She asked, leaning in close to Lukas with a hand behind her ear and a fake smile plastered across her face.
“No ma’am.”
“That’s a good boy Lukas.” She said, her demeanor changing completely.
“Now, why don’t you go back to bed. You don’t want to be too tired for class tomorrow now would you?”
“No ma’am. Goodnight.” Lukas responded. He walked by Mrs. Quarles, and began walking back towards his room. But as he walked, he wasn’t moping about his punishment. He was thinking about what he had seen. It had been hard to tell because of the guards blocking his view, but just for a moment he thought he had seen a giant bird thing between them. The first giant bird thing he could think of was an Avos, just like in the tv show. If they were really real, then just what else was?
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Hey! Pompadour here for a quick review~
Happy Review Day!
Alright, I'll just cover the technicalities before moving on to the content. Fair warning: I haven't read the previous chapters. So I won't attack your content or your plot. Character development though, I will critique since characters are always developing anyway.
Sorry for that commentary. Moving on...I notice that you haven't capitalized the first letters of "The Hovercraft," in your first sentence. I don't know whether that was done purposefully, and it honestly isn't that big of a deal, but it's rather conspicuous. Eh, it's up to you what you do with it, really.
"your" should be "you're."
The "H" in "He" doesn't need to be upper-capped.
A question-mark should replace that period.
Okay, quick lesson on dialogue: whenever you have a dialogue followed up or preceded by a speaker's tag, a comma is needed instead of a period. I noticed that you've capped a lot of dialogue tags/ attributions where uncapped tags would suffice, seeing as they're part of the same sentence and punctuation is only needed in order to separate the dialogue (in apostrophes) from the rest of the sentence. This ensures that there's no confusion between what is being said, and what is being done. I do hope I'm being clear on this, but lemme give you a couple of examples from your piece where you do this, just so you have more of an idea, 'kay?
Another thing I've noticed is that you have a tendency to use a wide variety of dialogue-tags, especially: "shouted." It becomes pretty noticeable after a while, and since you want us to focus on what the characters are saying rather than the way they're saying it, I'd suggest you use inconspicuous dialogue tags. I'm not saying you replace all your tags with "said," or something meeker, but avoid using an array of "answered," "responded," "in reply," etc. as much as possible. Remember, "said" is your best friend!
Technical errors aside, I think I can safely say that you have one heck of an imagination, and a well-drafted plot is always essential for science-fiction -- especially the kind you're writing here. Remember though, that your readers are people, not robots and that they don't have micro-analysing chips or whatever those whatchamacallits are. That being said, we only retain information in small doses, and not in chunks. It's like dumping too much sugar in the middle of your cake and forgetting to mix it in; it's uneven, choppy, and difficult to swallow. There are two paragraphs in this piece that struck me as huge, hulking chunks of rock, almost as big as Io and very difficult to get through. Many people wouldn't even bother to slave through such a mass, but I read through them, and I thought maybe it would help if I extracted a couple of points from what you're trying to say. It would be better if you divided it up, though, into two or more paragraphs, since that would make it seem less info-dumpish and easier to understand.
This was the first paragraph that I had to struggle through. I understood well enough what you're trying to say here, although I admit that I had to read through it at least twice because that cluster of words threw me off a bit. So, here you tell us a few things:
a) We know they're headed somewhere, but we finally get to look at the scenery, and the surroundings of the particular area The Hovercraft is flying over. This can be split up into a few parts; first you tell us that Blake's looking for land, but the waves make it rather difficult for him to do so; secondly, you elaborate on what he's searching for (the millennium tower); thirdly, you move on to a description of Caliber, which in itself is a lot to take. I'd suggest you subtly incorporate the info about Caliber in other places, or if the para is necessary, you either give us an insight into Blake's thoughts so it's easier for the reader to establish a connection with this world and what it means to him. This would not only pave a way for character development, but also towards making this bit seem less ... sluggish, as a whole.
b) After telling us about Caliber, you tell us about its history, and this is where the real sci-fi element of this piece steps in. I'm guessing this part is important to your story, but it feels rushed and like a block that's being hurled at your head without prior warning. Some emotion would settle this, and it would not only make the idea about the Avos and their technological development not only believable, but also less bland, and not like you're reading from an amazingly digitalized text-book.
c) The technological side of the story. I appreciate this, really, because it shows how much work and effort you've put into creating this; you've breathed spirit into it, and that's always amazing! You've created an entire world, which is an amazing feat -- did I tell you how much I love your name-choice for Caliber?! -- but you need to take it slow and balance the atmosphere, so action and information don't collide, and the reader doesn't lose track of himself/herself.
Similarly, there's another para here that's preeetty long, and re-reading it now, I've found that it mainly consists of description of the setting, the characters and even more history. I won't repeat what I've already said, but do divide it up and remember to stay on track with the events! You don't want your reader to get so caught up in description that they forget what events were unfolding, and how they unfolded as they did. Having said that, I think I can safely move on to praise, because you definitely have a wonderful idea floating here, as well as obvious potential! Your dialogue flows naturally and I love that! I love the fact that your characters talk and think and speak like real people instead of two-dimensional figures rotating across a screen. Your writing flows pretty well, although you do lose yourself at times, but that's nothing that experience and experimenting won't tame.
So keep up the brilliant work! Keep writing!
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or such~
Cheers, and I hope this helped.
~Pompadour
Hi!
So on first glance, I noticed you have two huge paragraphs in the chapter. You really want to break those up. The reader needs to take a break, or they'll get tired of reading.
"“But won’t they push back the time for the attack if they know were going to be there.” Maximus asked."
The key word here is asked. Instead of a period, please use a question mark.
Okay, so looking closer at the two paragraphs, I noticed the first is a data dump. You are putting a whole bunch of background information into one place. You can either stretch out the information and only mention it when it's relevant, or you can go through and ask yourself what does the character really need to know right now that would help the story progress?
Usually when writers edit this, they find things in the data dump they didn't really need.
The second large paragraph can be cut into smaller chunks. It's really just a whole bunch of thoughts combined, and the reader can't take a rest. When you change ideas split up into another paragraph.
After these two paragraphs, you seem to section out information and dialogue well. Just don't dump information in one place. Space it out. Put it in dialogue or have the character read a newspaper or something. Just dropping it in is too much for the reader to handle at once.
That's all I have for you. Great job!