Twas the Apocalypse before Christmas

Twas the Apocalypse before Christmas

A Collaberation between Robusto and Brett P.

Christmas season had come again. Santa Claus sat down in his biggest, most comfortable chair, took a bite of a big chocolate-chunk cookie freshly dipped in warm milk, and began to think of the events of last Christmas. Like all Christmases, it had been an especially busy time for Santa. Despite all Santa’s various powers, delivering presents to all the children of the world in one night was never an easy task. The last house he visited on Christmas Eve always held a special place in his jolly heart, and so Santa’s mind drifted back to the events that had happened there the previous year…

           Santa Claus slid down the Chimney of Little Johnny’s house and landed with a plop on the wood floor. As He pulled a brand a brand new skate out of the top bag, he glanced around the room searching for his precious cookies. Suddenly Santa noticed some movement coming from behind the couch followed by some groaning. Santa knew that Little Johnny always liked to sleep in the living room on Christmas Eve in the hopes of discovering the jolly gift-bringer, so Santa didn’t think much of it. He finally found the cookies, filled the stockings, set down the presents, and then prepared to make his way back to the North Pole.

           However, he kept hearing the groaning behind the couch so he decided to check and make sure Little Johnny was all right. He crept over to the couch and peered over, but it was not Little Johnny. Looking up at him was a rather gross individual with a blatant disregard for cleanliness. This guy must have forgotten to ask for the traditional Christmas pajamas and socks as gift, because despite a big, floppy Santa hat, his clothes were a mess. Suddenly, Santa dropped his plate of milk and cookies. It occurred to him this guy was not a normal “guy”. He was an actual real live zombie! (Well technically, he was an actual real dead zombie, but Santa was just as surprised.)

           “Son of a Nutcracker!” Santa Claus exclaimed stumbling backwards.

           Santa stared in shock as the Zombie crawled around the couch, and inched his way forward. The zombie did not get far though. He accidentally pushed a box of unused Christmas decorations, and soon found himself hopelessly tangled in tinsel. After the surprise, Santa felt a second feeling: weirdness. Zombies on Christmas, even two extremely weird people combining their weirdness to make a super weird could not come up with an idea as weird as this. Santa, however, was distracted by the newly decorated zombie and was unprepared for what came next. The noise of a large crash filled the room, as several walls came tumbling down. Scores of zombies forced their way inside the house, as Santa dashed towards the chimney as fast as his stubby legs would take him…

           “Ring a ding ding!”

           Santa woke up to the sound of silver bells. He glanced down at the robotic hand that held his half-eaten cookie. He had been dreaming again about last Christmas. Santa looked back down at the robot arm he had gotten after his fight with the zombies last year. Now granted, having a robot arm was really cool. It could change into pretty much in useful device he wanted it to, and it had been about time for Santa to reinvent his look anyways. However, the robot arm served as a reminder for how dangerous the world had gotten after the Zombie Apocalypse had started last Christmas.

           Indeed the world had become a very dangerous place indeed over the last year. Zombies had spread throughout the whole world. The surviving men, women, and children had to fight to survive. In fact, the North Pole was probably the last safe place in the world. There certainly was not a lot of good, old-fashioned Christmas cheer going on those days.

           Now Christmas time had come again, and Santa knew he had to make one of the toughest choices of his really, really long life. He had to decide if he was going to preserve Christmas. For every year as long as he could remember, Santa had always spread presents and happiness on Christmas Eve as a sign of hope. Being Father Christmas had never been an easy job, but this year was different. Everyone was spread out fighting for their lives. How would he get to every one without exposing them? Plus he had the hordes of dangerous zombies to deal with. Santa had barely survived his last encounter with them and now there were tons more. Maybe the world has just moved on from Christmas?  Santa thought.

           Old Saint Nick looked around the workshop. Groups of elves stood around staring at already finished toys that would probably never be delivered; the reindeers pranced around desperate for some sort of action; and Buddy the Elf shared a bottle of syrup with Mr. Narwhal, while nervously repeating, “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear,” over and over again. Santa knew this was not how Christmas was supposed to be. Christmas stood for joy, happiness, and peace. Christmas was a time to remember great sacrifice and great victory. Santa Claus knew he had to remind the world again no matter the cost, so he called all the reindeer and elves together.

           “I would like everyone to know Christmas is not beaten. Sometimes strange things happen like the Zombie Apocalypse, but that is not a time to give up. We just have to keep up the Christmas spirit and find a solution that is so much stranger than the problem that the zombies don’t know what hit them. Everyone I have a plan. It is time to begin a new project; the power Reingers Protocol!”

           Several days later, it was Christmas Eve, and thousands of miles away Little Johnny was huddle in the middle of a desolate field. On every side of him were groups of zombies wearing an assortment of hats, from sombreros to fezzes, was slowly closing in, and he knew he didn’t have long. Faintly, he thought he heard the sound of sleigh bells. He knew that was impossible though, but as the zombies got closer, he begin to remember all the fun times of Christmases in the past. Now the zombies where so close they could almost touch him, but he still had no place to go…

           Suddenly, a brown blur whizzed through the zombie pack and shot into the clearing! It hesitated just long enough for Little Johnny to see that it was a reindeer wearing a nametag with the name Dasher on it. Dasher once changed into a blur as he sped around the clearing at super speed. He continued in a circular pattern between Little Johnny and the zombies until a vortex was made separating the two. Then a lone cry broke the silence.

           “Err-err-err!” (Which was really the mission commander Donner yelling, “Power Reingers assemble.” Surprisingly, Donner could actually communicate to whole team telepathically using his powers, but he just thought it would look cool.)

           Then the highly armored reindeer began their attack. Prancer teleported in to the mass of zombies and smashed them with his plated antlers. He then proceeded to continually teleport throughout the crowd; attacking but always escaping returned attacks. Vixen snuck to the back of the pack of zombies and began picking them off one by the oblivious zombies who had no idea that the attacker was an invisible reindeer warrior. Comet charged right into the mass of the zombies and used his powerful super strength to toss bounds of zombies flying in the air to never be seen from again. Dancer used his deadly contagious dancing power to entrap the mass majority of the zombie group in a never-ending reenactment of Thriller, while Cupid eliminated the helpless zombies with his deadly sniping skills.

               “Some people have been very naughty this year,” yelled someone from above.

           Then the clouds parted and Santa flew in riding Rudolph like a majestic stallion of the sky. Rudolph unleashed a blazing laser beam from his nose that was at least 30 feet wide (though it could have been bigger if he wanted it to be) straight in to the middle of the zombie pack. Santa took out the rest with his robot arm, which functioned either as a coal-firing cannon or a powerful candy cane shaped broadsword. In only a couple seconds the whole group of zombies was gone. When the battle was over, Santa got off Rudolph and approached Little Johnny.

           “Little Johnny, I hear you have been a very good boy this year, so here is that skate board you have been wanting for all this time. I, however, have made some additions to it including a rocket launcher, a hover board function, and a hot coco dispenser. Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!”

           A smile spread across Little Johnny’s face and hope filled his eyes. Christmas had come again. Santa glanced at a piece of cloth lying at the boy’s feet that seemed to have fallen off one of the approaching zombies. He picked up the cloth and read its scribbled note.

           “I said I would be back again someday,” Santa read aloud.

           The message was certainly strange, but zombies were once people so there could tons of explanations of why it was there. Santa threw down the dirty cloth and got back on Rudolph.

           “Power Reingers move out! We have a whole world to bring Christmas to!”

Santa had just finished his deliveries in Russia, and was now proceeding to Switzerland.

“Donner, open a line back to Mrs. Claus.” Santa ordered his mission control.

A few seconds later, Mrs. Claus’s voice spoke through Santa’s earpiece.

“Santa? Is that you dear?” She asked with concern.

“Yes, it’s me darling. Just wanted to let you know I’m almost done with the deliveries for this year. After I hit Switzerland, the only place left is New Delhi.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful to hear. I’ll have a nice cup of hot cocoa and cookies for you when you get back.”

“Thank you dear. Goodbye.”

Santa cut the channel with Mrs. Claus.

“Santa, you’re nearing the Swiss border. The first house you need to get to is in a small village South of your position. I’m seeing no Zombie activity from satellite, so this one’s going to be nice and quick.” Donner informed.

“Thanks Donner. Reingers, we’re nearing the drop point. Get ready.” Rudolph called to the others.

“Yes! More Zombies to incinerate, ble he he!” Blitzen cackled insanely.

“No zombies here Blitzen. Just houses and people.” Donner reminded him.

“Oh, boo! Boo I shout! I have one job, and that’s to blow things up! When we get down there, something’s going boom!” He shouted.

“So much aggression. You should try some Yoga Blitzen. It’s great for the mind and body.” Dancer suggested.

“Cupid joined me for Yoga just this morning, and he’s already performing much better than usual…”

“No I didn’t. The Cupe doesn’t need Yoga. The Cupe is already awesome.” Cupid said, trying to keep up his image.

“Well, I think it’s very nice you joined your friend in his hobby Cupid. Friendship makes the world a nice, happy place. Even if it’s overrun with zombies.” Comet said.

“Cut the chatter! We’re going in!” Rudolph ordered.

“On Reingers!” Santa shouted, and the group descended through the clouds. As they came out the bottom, the town spread out before them.

“There are twelve survivors hiding around the town due for presents. There’s a thirteenth guy around, but he made the naughty list.”

“Thank you Donner.” Santa answered. He turned back to the other reindeer.

“The rest of you go find a nice place to rest. You’ve earned it. Rudolph and I can handle this.”

“Ahh, a break. Nothing is more satisfyine…than rest.” Prancer dreamily said.

“Rest? What’s rest? What am I supposed to do on break? I’ve never been on break before. What if I stop moving and freeze to death. Will I get replaced? Who’d replace me? If it’s that Chet guy, I’d be really angry. Then again, I’d be already dead…”

“Will you shut up!?” Vixen screamed.

The rest of the reindeer peeled off from Santa and Rudolph. The duo descended into the town square. Santa dismounted Rudolph, his arm shifting into coal-cannon form. He scanned the area, looking for any threats.

“Don’t worry Santa. You’re good.” Donner said over the radio.

“I know. Force of habit. Which way to the first survivor?” Santa asked, deactivating the cannon.

“Walk down Maple street and it should be the first house on the… whoa. What the Tinsel?” Donner swore, his voice getting slightly worried.

“What’s wrong?”

“All the signatures just vanished. It’s like they were never there. That’s…ierd.”

“Donner, you’re breaking up. What’s weird? What’s going on?”

“…ld temper…t out if…ou. Wait wha…at?”

“Donner, you’re breaking up.”

“Sa…n… awa...blizzard!”

Santa heard that last word.

“Blizzard?” Rudolph asked.

“Blizzard!” Santa shouted, seeing the massive cloud of freezing wind and ice bearing down on them over the buildings. Santa reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a small model of a hearth. He threw it on the ground, the Hearth shattering into small pieces. A bubble of pure heat formed around Santa and Rudolph, the blizzard passing harmlessly over it.

“And Papa Elf said that there would never be a situation where I would have to use that.” Santa smugly said.

“Hopefully Donner got the warning to the rest of my team before the blizzard hit.” Rudolph said.

“Oh, Donner’s reliable. He’s saved my life more than once during my deliveries. No doubt about it, he warned the others.”

“Yeah, but Donner should have seen this blizzard coming. It’s almost like it’s…”

“Magic.” Santa finished.

Suddenly, the heat shield vanished as it was overwhelmed by an intense blast of frigid air.

“Very good Christopher Cringle.” A malevolent voice whispered through the storm.

“Who is that?” Rudolph shouted to Santa, squinting against the wind.

Santa pressed a button on his arm and snow goggles lowered down from his hat, shielding his eyes. He saw something walking towards him through the snow. No, not walking. Sliding.

“No… it can’t be.” Santa gasped. The figure came into full view of the duo.

“Frosty the Snowman?” Rudolph shouted, shocked.

“It’s just Frosty, you obsolete stoplight.” Frosty mocked.

“What are you doing here? After you didn’t come back to the North Pole on the Christmas this all started, we thought the worst.”

“Oh spare me your sympathy you frugal fatty. You never cared about me. No one did. But now, everyone knows who Frosty is. I told you when I left that frozen fart of a fortress that I would return, and I will when I take over and make it my empire’s centerpiece.” Frosty said, looking into the sky longingly.

“What are you talking about?” Rudolph questioned, starting to get the vibe Frosty was not in his right mind.

“Must I explain everything to you dull doorknobs? I started this. The zombies are mine. I made them using the same magic that brought me to life. I mean, surely you noticed that they all wore hats.”

“What? But why Frosty? People loved you.” Santa asked, still not believing one of his own creations could turn this dark.

“Maybe once, but not anymore. I’ve been blown apart, melted, and just plain destroyed by those horrible humans. They don’t love me anymore, so I don’t love them anymore. I’m taking over the world and building an empire in my image! After this year, Christmas will be my responsibility, and I vote no more presents for the world!”

Rudolph’s nose began to glow a deadly red, but before he could fire, an icicle sank into his shoulder and sent him flying off out of sight into the blizzard.

“Rudolph!” Santa called, but he was gone.

“Rudolph the Red nosed Reindeer, you’ll go down in history.” Frosty sang maniacally.

Santa fired his coal gun at Frosty, but he dodged the hot rocks with surprising agility.

“Your end is here jolly old saint Nicholas. The age of the snowman begins today!”

Frosty held out one of his stick hands, and two ice swords formed in them. Santa flipped his arm into sword form as well. The battle for the Holidays had begun.

Rudolph groaned as he opened his eyes.

“Rudolph! Get up! A horde of Zombies are heading your way! Rudolph!” Donnor called, the connection still patchy but understandable. He must have been thrown away from the center of the blizzard. He began to stand, the icicle still embedded in his shoulder. Despite the fierce blizzard blowing against him, Rudolph still mustered his strength.

“Good show Rudolph! Still have some fight left!” Donner encouraged. Rudolph saw the horde of zombies through the snow. He reached over to his shoulder and pulled the icicle out with his teeth. His nose began to glow red. Then his antlers, then his entire head. The glow continued to expand until soon his entire body glowed with the brightness of a laser. His fur had burned clean off, leaving Rudolph an entirely different figure.

“What the…” Donner stuttered, shocked at what he was seeing. Rudolph had gone completely supernova. His nose had only been the tip of the iceberg for what his real power was. He was practically a living laser. With a war cry, Rudolph charged into the crowd of undead, his body obliterating anything that touched it.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, had a very noble cause

Destroy every single zombie, and protect old Santa Claus

Santa parried a blow from Frosty, and quickly sucked his belly in to avoid a follow-up slice.

“Hold still you feckless fencer!” He shouted, slicing furiously against Santa’s guard. Santa pushed his sword arm forward, shoving Frosty back. He then quickly flipped his arm to coal cannon form and fired pieces of smoldering coal into Frosty.

“No! No, no, no!” Frosty shouted, trying to pull the projectile from his body. But his arms fell off as the snow around them turned to slush from the intense heat of the coal.

“How could you father?” He pitifully asked as his snow body lost all shape. Santa could only watch as Frosty melted… and revealed what was underneath his snow body. A Skeleton made of ice shook off the last of the slush, and picked up its fallen ice swords.

“Santy, I’m home!” It shouted gleefully, shakily running at Santa. He fired more coal, but the stones just bounced off Frosty’s solid skeleton, not even leaving a crack. Santa switched his arm back to a sword just as Frosty came in swinging. Santa landed a solid hit on Frosty, but not even that did anything. Frosty kicked Santa onto his back with his icy leg.

“My ice is too solid for those toys Cringle. You’d need a fusion powered heat rifle to melt me. Why don’t you pull one of those out of your bag, or call those dopey deer over to help. Go on, call them. They can’t help you now.” Frosty mocked, sharpening his sword on his arm.

“Rudolph.” Santa weakly called.

“Ha ha ha, oh that’s rich. Not even that red nosed rascal can save you…”

Frosty stopped. Something felt… weird. He looked down. An arm made of pure energy was sticking out the front of his rib cage, having punched right through his spine.

“That’s weird…”

Frosty was torn in half in half as the arm pulled back. Standing behind Frosty was Rudolph, in his true form. His entire body had always been made of energy, but only his nose had ever shown through. For the first time, Rudolph was being seen for what he really was. He walked past Frosty towards Santa, solidifying his arm just enough for Santa to grab it. Santa held on as Rudolph pulled him up. He then converted his arm back to energy and placed his hoof on Santa’s cannon. The electrical wiring glowed bright red as Rudolph supercharged it.

“I killed you.” Frosty gasped from the ground, trying to pull himself together.

“Oh, would you look at that. I have a fusion powered heat rifle. Looks like good boys and girls always get what they want for Christmas.”

Santa fired the stored energy from his cannon. The energy bathed over Frosty, who only let out a hiss of evaporating water as he was utterly destroyed. Santa and Rudolph collapsed on the ground, exhausted.

“I’m getting too old for this.” Rudolph said.

“And I can only imagine how you feel.” He added, leaning against Santa.

“You did good Rudolph. I always knew that nose of yours was special.” Santa said, patting him on the head.

“No you didn’t, but thanks for the compliment. I’m just glad it’s all over.”

And over it was. Across the world, Zombies everywhere collapsed. With their master now gone, there was no one controlling them. People stepped out of their shelters, seeing all the dead undead. It was indeed, a Christmas miracle.

The celebration for Santa’s victory was one of legends. Buddy the Elf was truly jolly for the first time, as well as every other Elf. The Reindeer partied like they hadn’t done in years, and Hermy the elf even gave free dental examinations. But Santa wasn’t celebrating. Outside, he laid a black top hat on a pile of snow. A tombstone lay behind it, with an old Christmas song inscribed on it. Santa stepped back, and began to sing the song.

“Frosty the Snowman, was a jolly happy soul…”

The End…?