Would You?

It's great, and a wonderful reminder to all the readers to look at ourselves, and think "would we really do those things?" It's definetly good to do a self evaluation every once in a while, and this poem really shows the basis of what we should be looking at within ourselves.

would i?

I'll think about it. Maybe if you fix your poem a little bit I'll consider it.

Some stanzas were way too diverse than the other ones. They didn't fit with the style you started building from the beginning of the poem. The first stanza did not draw me in, which is a huge problem. I think you should start by pulling the reader with your nails, say "Would you BOOM to BOOM and BOOM!" because the "children of the Earth" sounds intriguing, but it raises the vague hint of a cliche.

Which is my next complaint. "learn to love fear", "father winter", "endure the consequences". These are only a few cliches from your poem. I've heard them all before, or at least I have a subtle memory of them. But even that's enough to reconsider your choice of word. You had some really good, noncliche words in your poem, too: "smile through frigid lips", "spend ages in his sins", "trust his farfetched words". (I think instead of "spend ages in his sins" you could say "bask ages in his sins.)

And now. The homosexual teen. WAY huge shatter of style. DELETE. I support gay marriage, etc., so I ain't biased here, sir--but this was way too modern for the godly, conservative style you've set yourself for. It was way too much of a slap in the face, "Homosexual" is a BIG, MODERN word to include in such a profoundly holly, almost religious place. Maybe find a way to tone down the "homosexual" a bit and you'll make yourself a pretty decent poem.

Otherwise, GREAT!

Gadi

Hmm, would I? That really put me into thinking. I think this affected me just the way you meant it to, so good job.

To me, the "Would you" repetition worked well. But maybe that's because I like repetition. Haha.

It's great that you have this collecting stanza in the end, because it kind of doesn't let the reader away so easily. If it wasn't there, I could just forget the questions in the beginning and just think "Aw, who cares", but now that it is in there, it makes me think again.

Again, I can't decide my favourite stanza. I liked especially the exile one and the friend one. If you know which ones I mean. Great job, Ringo!


Best wishes,
Demeter xx

Well, Thought that this was very original and unique. I, personally, liked the 'Would you" phrase being repeted over and over again. I would be your friend, too.

Hmm. Very thought-provoking. I'm actually having trouble concentrating on writing this critique because I am thinking about whether or not I would do those things. . .

Anyway, I only have one constructive thing to say and that is this: your use of the phrase "would you. . ." became slightly monotonous. It made it harder to get through each stanza. While repetition can be a good thing, too much of any good thing is a bad thing. Maybe do it once in the beginning, once in the middle and once at the end or something. Try rephrasing some of the others.

All in all, though, very good stuff. Congrats on a good poem.

-Aussie

Well kris the intention of the poem was to make you think of how selfless you are and not make someone feel bad about how they way they act now. I wanted it to be though provoking, and in a way I wanted it to be diverse.

Well, one thing is for certain. You know how to write a poem well. for this - Kudos! *and my rarely seen tridecatople thumbs up*.
However...the poem started out with some meaning, but began to become too obscure and unclear. In some parts it almost read like a manifesto. Lecturing me on how bad i am ><
I hope that this was not the intention

Anyway - good work. A skillfully constructed verse

amazing poetic writing...~~~
it really goes to your heart and makes you think about it.

it's a great way to grab someone's attention out of the blue, about the injustices of this world and the world's responsibility to take care of it : )

i love the ending..."Well, would you?" it is an awesome ending phrase.
the fact that it is interrogative gives it its flavor and "catchiness"

you have a talent~~~