The Shining Sea
The shining sea is my lover.
She is a doormat, she is my blood.
She spreads cherry jellyfish
on the darkened toast of my body.
They wriggle and they squirm
like spaghetti noodles on a tongue.
She makes me writhe with glee.
The shining sea is my trash can.
She is very sick, she needs cleaning.
She coughs yellow phlegm
on her counterpart of all time.
It’s syrupy and it’s crashing
inside her lover’s waffle-like form.
I’m not sticky with disease.
The shining sea is my killer.
She is a hunter, she’s malevolent.
She channels mighty power
through me and under my toes.
I’m struggling and I’m straining
to fight the gravity of her stare.
She laughs at my attempts.
The shining sea is my deity.
She is a shelter, she houses me.
She throws lighting bolts
oh so much stronger than Zeus.
Her magnet and her hypnosis
made me North, she is South.
The attraction is all silent.
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140,619 Literary Works • 673,554 Reviews
Wow, shocking. This is certainly one of the more unusual poems out there, and I must say, you pulled it off quite nicely. It's free verse, but it flows like rhyme. Beautiful. And you did a great job at conveying the mood too. Now I feel all tingly and weird after reading it... so congratulations!
Now it's time for my nitpicks:
Awesome similes. However, you go overboard (excuse the pathetic pun). I would say keep the jellyfish simile, but drop the spaghetti one and replace it with straightforward narrative. You don't want to drown (excuse this pathetic pun, too) your reader in metaphors and similes or you'll lose them.
I really like this verse. It's simple, powerful, and to-the-point.
Overall, amazing. Keep up the good work!
Eeeh! This is excellent, Ringo! You have such a clever, deep, and sophisticated way to put words into poems. I respect you for that one, dude.
I only found one thing that could be changed slightly to sound better:
I think if you get rid of "the" in this sentence, it would read better.
Anywhoo, I enjoyed this one immensely. Very lovely. And nice. Sorry I can't give you more than that for a review, but all I can say is that it is super wonderfull. I think this is my second favorite of all your poems! -thumbs up-
Keep writing!
Holly