Slightly sideways out of synch
I think
I am, at least too much to notice
We never come together
Always
Never at our common locus
For very long
I’ve waited calculating
Because the angle’s waning
And I suspect we’ll come together
Our variables will cancel all along
Symmetry restored
and friction ignored
and beyond the stimulation
gravitation
can afford.
We’ll float beyond the ether together, the light waves, the sound waves, the waves in your hair
We’ll never be tethered by forces or aught. Our connection’s already fundamentally there.
I am a free body and nobody at all, no science or reason or force up above
Can give me a formula, proof, or solution. No physics equation to solve to find love.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Alittle confusing but I think it is good.
You show your knowledge for physics xD
Not too bad.
*twitches*
This poem will give me nightmares, I'm pretty sure. Because... well... it's physics!
With that said, I didn't really like the rhyming of these lines:
I’ve waited calculating
Because the angle’s waning
Don't ask... it just bugged me.
The rest of the poem is as good as a physics poem can be, I guess.
Surprisingly, I really like the title. And I like the rhyme of the first two lines, though not so much most of the other rhymes. Eh, upon a second look, I suppose I like the rhythm of them, but some seem a little too forced.
I felt absolutely inundated with math terminology. I like a good math poem as much as the next person (well, probably more, since most people don't seem to like math poems *shrug*) but this seemed a little to blatant: so many topics are covered, but none are expanded upon so at first glance, it looks like showing off. And in the process, I think it loses much of the meaning.
I like the rhythm of these lines:
The last four lines are unnecessarily long, which just reinforces the point that the poem comes off as writing to the rhyme rather than letting the rhyme fall naturally into place.
My advice is to pick a single topic to concentrate on and run with it. No one will be impressed by your knowledge of math vocab if you can't incorporate it well.
PM me if you have any questions; I'd be happy to help ^_^
-Amelia
I fail at critiquing poetry, but I am a spelling Nazi.
Sync*
It kind of irritates me how no one seems to know how to correctly spell that, but it's just a pet peeve and nothing on you.
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
I really like this. I love the way it sounds in my head, it flows together, it's raw. I love it.
I'm not sure what I think about this. On one hand I like the combination of love and equations, on the other I don't think it was properly executed.
Your ideas seem kind of jumbled, and they just run together, and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to think or feel in response to this. Your last four lines are needlessly long; why not break them up into stanza? The lack up punctuation makes it a bit troublesome to read, because I'm never sure when a sentence ends and when another begins, or was it supposed to be that way?
In the end, I think I would have liked it more had it been written in a different way. I don't feel anything from it, it's just a statement.