Ho ho ho, curious mind!
Amaya here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!
Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my Christmas magic! 🎄
The Jolly-Good Stuff: 🍭
First of all, let's talk about the Holly Jolly parts that really rocked!
This was a fine concept!!
I would definitely encourage you to write a sequel if that is your choice, but because you placed this as a short story I can understand if this is the end.
You have chosen the best title possible, your title summarises your story in one sentence. Great job!! The variation between long and short sentences makes reading even more easier and fun.
About the concept itself, I think this is a very sensitive subject, but I think the way you brought it to life was a good one. It’s not too sugarcoated, but not too harsh either, you did awesome.
If this is based on real life experiences, I hope things get better in the future
^-^
Note: I’m reviewing this piece as a “Story” to help you improve on your writing and NOT as an “Experience”
A little more elf-help needed over here:✒️
Nitpicks:
1) In your first sentence, I would suggest you start with a capital letter: Like
like to live in daydreams where I’ve mastered everything, and now I can’t escape them.
2) If you could make the picture a little smaller, I think your story would have a nicer visual appeal.
~~~
The following suggestions are merely to help you improve on your writing and not to offend you in any way. Feel free to skip these suggestions, if these are not what you aim for.
Here I think you could provide some more clearance about why the autumn and summer weren’t great. I think as a reader you are leaving quite a number of questions hanging in their head:
I was in my thoughts, asking myself again and again, “Is it worth staying around?” I wake up every day at the buzz of the alarm - too sleepy to distinguish whether my eyes are open or closed. This was autumn. The mornings are filled with dust, waiting outside to get in my nostrils and kick start the sinus headaches. I wouldn’t say I like this, but the summer wasn’t great either.
~~~
I have a feeling that October came too fast, it feels a little rushed and repetitive over here. Try to think of other ways to express that you are “feeling worse than ever”:
It’s October. I remember myself on the same day last year – feeling, asking, thinking the same things. Yet, today felt even worse.
People go through struggles magnitudes higher than mine. I have bad feelings, but some have been experiencing them as reality.
~~~
Your ending also feels a little rushed, I think you could have gone more in detail about the experiences and examples. I think the example of the cyclist was a great way to show what exactly the character was going through. Great job on that!!
I wasn’t ready for the misery of the world, so I made my life miserable. I know it’s not a good life to live, nor a good life to die with. But I’ll have an interesting story to be told if I die today. The only problem is, nobody knows what it is, and nobody ever will. What’s that story? Better leave it to never be discovered.
~~~
Diary style:
I believe that IF you decide to continue this story, perhaps you can do something like a dairy concept. This will fit nicely with both your writing style and the concept you’re going for. Perhaps you can add a date if you want to, to make things more diary style.
Caroling Angels like the best!💐
I think I love the poem the best. It was kind of sappy, but in a good way. The poem made your story complete, like a missing puzzle piece. Awesome choice!! I don’t know if you wrote it yourself, but it’s nice.
Overall Christmas does come to an end:
This was a great concept, I think it's definitely something you should consider continuing if that is your wish. Apart from adding some more clarifications, this was a nice read. You have a delicate writing style along with a strong heart I must say. If this was a real-life experience: It’s really brave of you to share this story with the world. I hope things get better and everything will turn out well.
Be sure to go with Rudolph 🦌 and check out…📔🔖
Memories of Daddy, pt. 1 & 2 by @AyumiGosu17 & Fisherman questions life by @AmayaStatham
Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!
Amazingly yours,
Points: 32656
Reviews: 226
Donate