Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

"Everything will be forgotten one day, me, you, the world, it's a matter of time... but for some reason, not everything is forgotten forever."
December 15, 1950, InterMall Channel.
"Hello! Good morning ladies and gentlemen, today the big, the beautiful, the grand new Intermallium shopping mall is inaugurating! the largest shopping mall built in the history of humanity! More than 5,000 corporations have already reserved their spaces at Intermallium, featuring a variety of stores, restaurants and more! Several journalists and people are calling Intermallium "American Pride" and "The entire American economy centered in one place!", the President of the United States, Clanford McKley, attended the inauguration and, according to his words, was the The most beautiful thing he saw during his term, more than 1 million people attended the inauguration, and with this news, we would also like to announce INTERMALL CHANNEL! your favorite Intermallium television network! Broadcast directly from Intermallium to the world! And I, Barley Gutson, will be here with you throughout this journey, I thank you for participating in this inauguration and I will see you in the future! Barley leaving you here..." End of transmission.........
June 4, 2012, InterMall Channel.
"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen...Yesterday, like all of you who were at Intermallium yesterday, there was an invasion by Independent Workers at Intermallium as a consequence of the Civil War, the special forces have already been contacted and are already trying to control the rebels, however, they cannot were managing to contain them, the security guards at the local stores are "cooperating" to contain the rebels, there are occurrences of security guards occupying and robbing other stores, Intermallium has kind of turned into chaos lately, the rebels are advancing like a tsunami, the owner of the Intermallium felt obliged and locked and closed all the doors last night, locking out everyone who was in the mall that day, this includes us...Several stores with access to the internet and radio signals, there were no instances of any response from the government For these radio signals, we must wait for some signal, in the meantime stay alive and...well...seek help, Barley Gutson leaving you here, are you watching us from somewhere else? Call us now at 671-999-9131 and help us! Intermallium is counting on you!” End of transmission......
September 14, 4136, InterMall Channel
"Hello folks! You are now connected to INTERMALL CHANNEL! Intermallium's most famous television and radio channel, today, NitroSoft has just launched the new line of phones, Minddown 99! The continuation of the old Minddown 95 Screen-pocket! Some NitroSoft stores are already selling, meanwhile, Unapple has just updated its operating system, Macinchese, Minddown 90's competitor!...Well, in the meantime, it will be more than 2 thousand years without a response from the American authorities, For now, no way out has been found yet, as always, but remember, America will remain firm and strong! Glory to the United States! Let us have faith that one day someone will help us... And here I end with you, Peter The Reporter! ...If you...are from somewhere other than this hellhole called Intermallium, don't hesitate to call us...671-999-9131- THIS PROGRAM WAS SPONSORED BY RAY-N-JAY! THE BEST WEAPONS MANUFACTURER AND SELLER IN THE GUNHINT SEC-" Suddenly, before the broadcast ends, the television burns out, which a young boy was watching it.
The Boy gets up from his old sofa and walks over to the television to see if it still works, he tries to press the on button, he taps the television a few times but nothing happens, the television shows no sign of life, just a smell of burned, the boy then walks back to the couch and sits down again, the television was the only entertainment device he had, which was bought by his sister as a way of being able to ignore the fact of being trapped inside that shopping mall.
"-Damn! Why do the electrical team keep playing with the shitty power in this place? Seriously, every single time there's a power surge!" The boy says angrily, while looking at the floor, until his sister opens the bedroom door and enters, she was covered in dust, with messy hair and coughing a little, leaving her brother a little curious.
"-Hi sis! So, how was your day? I have some bad news..." The young man speaks, looking at his brother, Luna, an adventurous teenager, who literally risked her life to earn a pittance, Luna throws her backpack on the floor, echoing the sound of falling metal, while Luna throws herself on the couch next to her brother.
"-Hmph, same as always, well, I found some scraps from some security robots...I just had to rip them off" Luna responds looking tiredly at her brother, giving a little laugh
"-YOU DESTROYED A SECURITY ROBOT?! H-H-HOW THE FORK DID YOU MANAGE TO DESTROY A ROBOT?!" The young man shouts in astonishment, it was IMPOSSIBLE for him to imagine that his sister would be able to destroy a security robot, just think, how would a teenager be able to destroy a robot armed with armor with absolutely no weapons?...at least that's what he thought I thought he didn't remember her having a gun...
Luna laughs after hearing him surprised, she then tries to compose herself and responds with a smile.
"-Pff...of course not, you idiot! I just...dismantled a robot that was turned off, well, let's just say I just kept hitting it with a wooden board until it just broke and fell apart." Luna says, still with a smile, then she picks up her backpack from the floor and, after a brief search in her backpack, she takes out the robot's head, which was all dented, a little heavy too, and then she gives the head to the your brother. "-I guess we should get about 50 dollars for this head, and about...uhh...150 for the rest of the scrap I picked up! Enough for a new television and suddenly something else, I don't know, maybe a hamburger for each of us" she complements.
"-That seems kind of rude of you...I mean, you literally destroyed a robot just to sell it later...but if it's for a television then I'm cool!" Says the boy, trying to hold the robot's head, trying as hard as he could to hold on, as the head was VERY heavy.
"-Hmmm...I remember a store that charges well for scraps, but...it's...it's a bit far from here" Luna says, placing her hand on her chin and thinking about the commercial about the store she had seen...it was difficult to remember the address given in the commercial.
"-Wait wait! I know the address, its in the... Hertborg Sector!" Says the young boy excited.
"-Alright, Lynxon! Let's go to Hertborg! Do you know what the sector number is?" Luna says, taking a torn piece of the Intermallium map, the map had small letters, almost as if Intermallium was so big that the map was giant together.
And then, Luna and Lynxon came out of their small room, after they left, at the same moment, they smelled a strong smell of spoiled food, the dust in the air is quite strong, a low convenience store music was playing in the sounds of the mall, there were many stores in each corner of the mall, some empty, others invaded and others completely protected with barricades, the entire mall was dark and quite dirty in addition to a lot of trash on the floor, including torn clothes, cheap plastic toys and even store coupons.
Luna and Lynxon walk down the halls of the mall, there were promotional billboards hanging in every store they passed, some signs pointing to which way they were going, Luna genuinely had no idea where they were going, she was just following the direction signs, It had been a long time since the two had been walking aisle by aisle, the sound of absolutely nothing other than the failing light bulbs, the commercials playing and the "calm" music made the scene more melancholy, each store had its own story, its owner and its customers. , nowadays there is nothing left but the ruins of structures, waiting their time to be discovered or invaded, it was inevitable that they would either collapse, be invaded, or simply be occupied, in Luna's mind, it was bizarre to live in this place, it was as if you, without context, had become the last human, Luna didn't want her brother to have to live in Intermallium until his death, but at that point, there was no paradise, there was nothing worse than being forgotten, Intermallium unfortunately only survived Because it trapped its own fans inside itself, Intermallium became a living structure that would never die, unless its organs wanted it to die.
"-Luna... Are we there yet? I can't stand walking" Says Lynxon, stopping a little from being so tired, he looks around looking for a drinking fountain nearby.
"-Hm, I'm exhausted too, we've already been through how many sectors? 90? Go drink water while I try to figure out where the hell the Hertborg Sector is" Luna says, looking at her incomplete map again, trying to locate herself, while Lynxon walks to an old water fountain, he drinks some of that water that had a slight strange taste... as if he had licked metal, but all the water fountains had that same taste so he ignored it, when he raised his head after drinking his water he noticed that there was a small, very tight corridor, with few stores and few lights, no sound was being emitted from the corridor, but what aroused Lynxon's curiosity was a sign saying "Herborgisia Sector", then Lynxon ran to Luna and spoke very excitedly.
"I found! I found!" He says pointing to the corridor.
"Oh! Perfect...wait, but it says Herborgisia, not Hertborg...but it must be close so I don't see any problems..." Luna says, walking to the corridor with Lynxon, the two stop exactly at the entrance, observing the corridor closer...it was dark, without music, unlike the others, there wasn't even a proper light in that place, there were no pamphlets or posters on the walls, it seemed to be under construction even as there were buckets and tools scattered on the floor, the windows of the stores were without glass and inside each of the stores, it was completely empty, with some exceptions for stairs, wooden boards or in some of them, construction tools.
"-This Sector is dark..." Says Lynxon with fear.
"-It's just not scarier than any other sector during Eternal Black Friday..." Luna says, taking a flashlight from her pocket and turning it on, then entering the hallway with her brother behind, the place was really creepy, apparently they hadn't even placed the speakers on the walls yet, for some reason there were some vending machines with energy, still full, meaning no one had picked them up yet, unless someone had refilled the vending machine...
The two walked down the corridor, it seemed eternal, every time they entered everything seemed darker and darker, Luna and Lynxon heard some doors clicking and scratching on the walls, but this was common at Intermallium for some reason.
"-Luna...why don't we go back? It's very...strange here, we don't know what could be waiting for us at the end" Lynxon speaks, following Luna from behind.
"-Ah, come on, Lynxon! We've already walked too far to go back..." Luna says, walking, until she finds a door at the end of the corridor, without any kind of sign, Luna decided to lower her flashlight and distance Lynxon from the door.
"-Whatever is behind this door... I don't know, did we die? I don't have a weapon or anything like that to defend us, hehe..." Luna says, giving a slight worried laugh.
"-Are you telling me that...if there is someone armed on the other side of the door we will die?!...you have to be kidding with me..." Lynxon speaks, worried behind Luna.
"-Ha..ha...ok ok I'll open it now!" Luna speaks and at the same moment she gets ready and opens the door...On the other side of the door there was only the blessed Hertborg Sector, she and Lynxon crossed and looked around, as always, some abandoned stores, but from afar she saw a functioning store, a small store, but still a store, with a "DENITRONIC" sign, without thinking twice Luna and Lynxon run towards the store and enter.
Breathing heavily, Luna says "-Here...Here...Is this the store where they buy machine parts...?" Luna asks, taking her backpack.
"Yep, you're in the right place, what are you doing here?" The attendant says, looking at the two, his store was small, there were pieces of machinery thrown across the floor, a vending machine in the corner, a small television with a broken screen on his table and a clock that had the wrong time.
"That's good... I have some parts from a Security Robot, I managed to preserve the head but the rest of its body was possibly destroyed" Luna says, throwing all the parts of the robot on the table, without care, the attendant just observes some of the pieces breaking on impact.
"Sooo...what do I get?" Luna asks, a little optimistic, giving the store attendant a smile.
"Hmm...about 300 dollars...but since some parts are broken I'll offer a humble 100 dollars" The attendant speaks, taking a small piece and, without Luna seeing, putting it in his pocket while looking at Luna arrogantly.
"...100 Dollars? There's no way...like, to increase it to 125?" Luna asks, a little surprised by his offer.
"-Nah, these scraps are only worth 100 dollars, my." The attendant speaks seriously.
"100 Dollars?! I can't survive even a week with this poverty!" Luna thought, really 100 dollars was very little for the way she and her brother lived, Luna was disappointed until she had an idea.
"-Well...do you know of any other stores that need metal?" Luna asked, approaching the attendant and picking up the pieces again.
"-Hmm...yes, yes I know, Junkpit, follow the front hallway and you will find his store, and tell him that I was the one who recommended him to you!" The attendant said, pointing in the direction they needed to go.
And then, Luna and Lynxon went together after this "Junkpit", Luna was tired of going from one side to the other, from that moment on, Luna didn't even know where she was going, while Luna was tired, Lynxon could only think about watching television after the two returned home, Lynxon, despite being a child, did not find watching Intermall Channel boring, some children preferred to watch Kat Channel because of the music and the channel's strange intros, but Lynxon preferred to watch Intermall Channel really.
After the two passed through the dusty corridor, some possibly grease and trash stains on the floor, the improvised paper sign made it clear, "JUNKPIT!", the store seemed smaller than the previous one, old music could be heard coming from inside, without hesitation, Luna and Lynxon enter, the first thing they see is a man sitting in a chair next to a table with a radio on top playing old music, it seemed to be from the 80s, the man was wearing an outfit with long sleeves, all black, and a beret with a skull symbol...you could already identify it...he was a member of Eterna Black Friday.
Luna backed away and hid Lynxon behind her, but the man calmly reached out to her, asking her to calm down.
"Yo, bro calm down! It's not even Friday! And I just got kicked out of Eternal Black Friday just because I got the days mixed up!" Said the man.
"Yep, he's right, just today he drank like 5 cans of Coke" The attendant said while cleaning the counter.
"-Eh...ok then, well, we didn't come here to find out about Eternal Black Friday or anything like that-" Before Luna finishes speaking, Lynxon interrupts her.
"-Come to think of it, I want to know what Eternal Black Friday is" Lynxon says looking at the man, everyone stays silent, but the man decides to break the silence and begins to casually explain to the boy.
"-Well, let's say that every Black Friday should happen every Friday, and in every store...some people call us anarchists hehehe..." The man says with a slight laugh, but no one laughs or gives a positive reaction.
"-...well, you go around destroying everything and killing people for no reason, just yesterday I remember you killing a receptionist!" The attendant says, with a normal tone of voice
"-Look...you're right but every time we do something like this we pay for what we get! always!..." The man says a little embarrassedly, taking another sip of his coke and letting out a slight burp.
"-...Ok ok, back to the main topic...I would like to...well, sell some parts of a robot..." Luna says throwing the robot parts on the table, some parts that were just broken They were even more damaged, but Luna took the time to carefully place the robot's head on the table, the attendant took out a small magnifying glass and analyzed it piece by piece...
"-Look, I'll offer 350 Dollars, ok?! 350 Dollars, that's the most I can do" the attendant says with an optimistic tone, 350 Dollars was a great price, it would allow Luna and Lynxon to support themselves for a while with that money.
"Ok! Sir...Sir uuhh...Mister Junkpit! You have a successful purchase! I accept the 350 Dollars!!!" Luna says excitedly, suddenly grabbing the attendant's hand and shaking his hands very quickly.
"Oh! Uh, okay then, it was a pleasure doing business with you!" The attendant speaks a little confused, but he gives the money to Luna.
"Ah! Before I went, I forgot to tell you but it was the Denitronic store that recommended me to come here!" Luna says, taking her backpack and leaving the store happily with her brother.
After Luna finally managed to sell the pieces, she and Lynxon walked to a "bridge" that connected one corridor to another, the bridge seemed to be falling apart, with every step the two took the bridge made a strange noise, so Luna and Lynxon leaned on the glass railing and looked down, there were some security robots circling the place, the low sound of commercials, some gunshot sounds, the dim lights made the environment more...strange, it was bizarre to think that a One day, Intermallium was once a normal mall, with happy families and visitors shopping, but unfortunately, nowadays it has become a...prison, an ant colony with no way out and without a queen, it's not possible to explain Intermallium exactly.
"-...Lynxon, what do you want to be when you grow up?" Said Luna in a serious tone looking at Lynxon.
"-Hmm...I was thinking about being a radio announcer! Or a mercenary!...But if I don't get any of those jobs I think I'll become a store attendant instead" Lynxon responded normally, still looking down the bridge.
"-Heh...it would be cool to see you as a mercenary, I suppose it shouldn't be too difficult to become one..." Luna says.
"-...If I were a mercenary I would be like you, breaking robots everywhere and... and buying lots of computers and video games!" Lynxon said excitedly, looking at the various security robots circling the bottom, then he looked at Luna smiling.
"-Well, if you buy that many video games and computers I'll want one too, ok? Don't forget!" Luna says, laughing lightly and giving him a genuine smile, while stroking his hair...
End.
Author's note:
So guys, I hope you enjoyed this story I wrote, I LOVED it, and, I think that of all the stories I've ever written in my entire life, this is the one I enjoyed writing the most, I hope you liked it too, I'm genuinely Happy to have written this!
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Your story starts off with an intensity that immediately pulls the reader in. The setting, with its perfect day, creates a lovely contrast with the imminent darkness that unfolds. I loved how you described Kara and Doug’s journey through the woods—it paints a vivid picture of their bond, giving us glimpses of their carefree nature while also hinting at the eerie tension that creeps in slowly. That switch from playful banter to the chilling "smack" sound was extremely effective and jarring, giving me a real sense of unease.
One of my favorite aspects is how you build suspense so naturally. The way Kara feels something is wrong before they even see the creepy figure adds layers of tension. When they do see the figure, the description feels chilling without over-explaining—just enough for the reader's imagination to go wild. This moment really stands out as a turning point, where the atmosphere of the story shifts from light to dark in an instant.
The emotions running through Kara as she witnesses Doug's dismemberment feel raw and believable. The shock and horror are palpable, and you do a great job keeping the reader anchored in her perspective. The lingering mystery around the man in the trench coat, combined with Doug’s sudden death, leaves an intriguing question hanging over the entire story: Who is this man, and why did this happen? I was especially drawn in by the supernatural edge hinted at toward the end when the figure seemingly disappears, leaving nothing but Doug’s fate in its wake.
Overall, I enjoyed the pacing, the way you unraveled events, and how you brought out Kara’s emotions in such a short span. There's a visceral quality to the story, and the unpredictability makes it truly gripping.
GOOD JOB!
Hey comrade, i think you reviewed the wrong story! XD
HIYA! I am obsessed with this concept dude. Its almost like a backrooms but with an entire functioning society inside. I'm going to start with the positives then head on to my critiques.
You do a very good job manifesting an air of mystery and familiarity. The mall is so big that no one knows where anything is, even after growing up there, the robots prowl around and are unbeatable, the tech is old and decaying. Luna and Lynxon have a genuine sibling bond, and the Eternal Black Friday gang is interesting and makes me want to know more about this world that really does feel populated and alive.
I don't have many critiques but I noticed a few grammar mistakes, which should be easily fixable by running chapters through a free grammar/spell checker. The dialogue also seems slightly clunky in some parts. It isn't bad, but I think it probably just comes from this being the first chapter and you haven't fully found the character's voices yet. Some advice for that would be reading the dialogue aloud and seeing if it flows the way you want it too. The last thing would probably be that it seems a little fast paced in places, like the spooky Herborgisia seemed like it probably could've gone on for longer.
well thats all folks
- Hope
Hello! I'm glad I got you obsessed with the concept of my story! I kind of got inspiration from a Gmod Backrooms map that took place in a shopping mall, I honestly liked what I wrote, and about the grammatical problems I don't know English very well (As you can see hehehe) and about the speed that Luna and Lynxon passed through Herborgisia, I really read it and I have to agree with you, I could have left this part longer, at the moment I had no idea how to leave an "empty" corridor with empty stores longer... .now stopping to think, I think I could have added something more to this sector, anyway, thank you for reading and thank you for writing a review!
<3