This is my second ever post. Enjoy!
We sit there together,
hand in hand,
staring up at the sky.
Your love and warmness,
comfort and tenderness,
like those flying by.
We lay down together,
arms in arms,
pointing up at the sky.
We point, we laugh,
we wonder, we watch,
like those flying by.
We stare at each other,
eyes interlocked,
sensing them in the sky.
Your eyes, your mouth,
your nose, your ears,
like those flying by.
We look into them,
bodies entwined,
watching them in the sky
Their eyes, their mouths,
their noses, their ears,
watching them fly by.
We feel what they are,
thoughts alike,
staring into them in the sky.
Their pain, their happiness,
their anger, their laughter,
swiftly they fly by.
We realize together,
lips on lips,
as they are in the sky.
Their eyes, their months,
their noses, their ears,
are now ours, flying by.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hello there,
Well first off I will start with the positive: I really like the way the images and rhythme create the feel of a dreamy young love. However I feel that the images and overall the poem lacks a revolutionary spin on this topic. Also the amount of repetition I feel is completely overwhelming especially with the length, but that is just a general opinion. But keep at it and good luck
Hi ROC!
Not really sure what to say about this one. I like your other pieces better. This had a good sense of rhythm though, and I quite liked it when you began to list emotions, actions and body parts. I didn't mind the repitition at all and I felt the poem had good imagery.
But overall I found this poem hard to understand. Who were flying by? That was my biggest question. Nothing really grabbed my attention and stood out. I didn't know where you were going with this. Maybe a better explanation of the poem would help.
Still not sure, it could be better. Good job and best wishes for future writing!
RedLeaf
(Please nominate me for greeter badge!)
Hi RepublicOfCoter, CaptianRandom here,
I thought poem was a little weird the clouds were a weird reference, but cool at the same time, maybe if u change it around a little. But besides that good length and good space between writing.
-CaptianRandom
Hi there! Thought I would stop by and give this a review.
So, I have to admit that I liked the imagery you invoked when you talked about them flying past each other, which is the main point of the poem. But, other than that, I don't really see anything special about this poem. Nothing else reached out and really caught my attention. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, but I do think that it is something you need to look into and see about correcting. Use what you have now as a framework, and see what you can build off of it.
Good job, and good luck.
-Conrad Rice
Hello! And welcome to YWS!!
Well your poem is nice! The rhythm gets thrown off a bit when with the "Like those flying by" Line at the end of everything. The repetition doesn't really help. It makes it some how confusing,but when i finished reading i said "...aaaw nice." So it is definitely liked!
~Lady Kix