You know, I’d be a horrible friend for even thinking this, but he liked me first. Those feelings from the very beginning were for me. All of those kisses and hugs he gave you were for me and you knew it. You could see his eyes looking right over your shoulder. You felt no burn in the side of your head while he stared at you. He wasn’t really staring at you. You only told yourself he was.
I know, I’m the worst best friend for saying this, but he loved me and he still does. Just because he showed you the affection, and gave you the attention didn’t mean he loved you. But believe me he tried. He tried to love you more than anything else. Those tears falling from his eyes when it was all falling apart were real but, did he come to talk about it with you?
No.
It was me who stood with his head in my arms. I was the one who told him that you’d come around and he’d be okay and kissed his forehead in good luck to getting you. Would you call me a witch if I admitted to consoling him in a way only you were allowed to? Would you hunt me down if I told you that I knew of his feelings and only played them off because they weren’t fully there? I didn’t know I loved him yet, I swear. It may seem ludicrous the way I acted, but I couldn’t help myself.
I loved those eyes on the back of my head.
I swooned at the way he’d stare into me and
Right past you.
His subtle hints and touches made me want to melt. How could I resist; he loved me first.
“Stella,” he would say – the s extended. “Is Stella coming with us?”
“No,” you would sigh. “She has something else to do.”
But, friend, my dearest friend, you knew he wanted me there. You knew he wanted me to his right and you to his left. He could kiss my feet while he whispered lies to your lips. He would worship my steps while he tried to cover yours, and he’d hold you in front of crowds while he caressed me in the dark crevasses of his mind. Was I his lust or his one true love? It didn’t matter;
He loved me first.
Hi Repose!
This is a fantastic piece, but I cant help but wonder if it'd be better suited to another section, maybe other? It seemed like more of a prose to me than a poem
But Anyway, moving on! (Onward and upwards as they say!)
I really enjoyed reading this piece, I could feel the emotion, the problem tearing you apart and the secretive knowledge that is yours alone to keep. It is very well written!
I do think that one or two of your sentences are a bit long and might be better cut down into two sentences,
But Other than that I find very few faults with it!
Well done, my dear!
Keep it up!
Thank you very much and I'll look for more suitable sections!
Something I can associate to on such a large scale. It is exactly the case with the girl I am with right now and the girl who I desire so much. So needless to say I liked it, loved it instead. I had a feel it kind of slowed down in the last parts , compared to how it started. I am having a hard time figuring out the characteristics of the three people mentioned in the poem. For example I was confused about the stance of the girl telling the truth
Hello! Thank you for reviewing my work! I purposely ended slowly to show her calming down in a way and the narrator (Stella) is on a rant in her mind about basically what she wants to scream in her best friend's face. I make her refer to the reader as the best friend sometimes to make it so you can see her anger kind of spurt out. The Stella is jealous because the boy, although he loved her first, is with her best friend. But the boy still loves Stella and Stella wants him now solely because she can't have him. Thanks for asking, it made me realize that maybe I should have made that clearer!
Amazing work, I loved it. The way you have described it rocks.
Thank you so very much for reading!
GrapeNerd here to review your fabulous work of art.
First off, this is really beautiful. I love how you wrote the beginning and the end. Frankly though, this seems more like a short story than poem, maybe because of the formatting; but worry, I've made this mistake before. Second, I think you should leave out the "Stella" thing and change it into "She." Some of your capitalization needs editing.
That's about it, the rest was perfect. Anyway, keep writing!
Welcome to YWS
GrapeNerd
Thank you very much for reviewing my work. And frankly I can't say it's Eire story or poem. I call it paragraphs poetry, but I believe the correct term is urban (spoken) poetry. It's meant to be read aloud like a type of monologue? I haven't figured it out myself yet, haha! Again, thank you for reviewing c:
This is very interesting with a choice of subject matter that can make for an emotionally packed piece. The main problem I have with it is the 2nd person though. I feel like I, as the reader, am being talked to. I think it would be best in the 1st throughout, because it seems like you speaking for her is sort of, well, messed up. Ya, basically keep this in the first person, unless YOU are the other girl, then, well, that's interesting. Of course, the fact that you would like a guy who's cheating on your friend is sort of, well, unbecoming. Not really about you, but about your choice in men. That dude isn't worth much. He's actually a faily terrible person.
Anyway, some more specific stuff. I am a BIG fan of the sort of stand alone sentence thing, and I work in it myself most of the time while writing poetry. But each line has to say something, and at the same time continue the poem, while carving its own space. The emotional pack that can be punched is heavy. I'd get rid of the stella, anonymity is better, in my opinion (just is "she" coming with us". The call me a witch line is too long, shorten it. The stanza after that stanza is one of the better ones.
Again, I think the poem works much better in first person:
"All of those kisses and hugs were for me." I think that's better.
Overall you give a real clear account of this whole thing, even though I don't exactly know where you stand - are you a woman scorned? jealous? happy? are you a terrible friend, or are you the other woman? This is good, but the language gives a more precise account. More ambiguity would be good. More symbolism, better. But as a confessional work, this is great. It just seems to be lacking some poetry.
You're completely right. You made me relize something really important: to be myself. I attempted to format my writing like poetry because someone in a critque said to, but that was idiotic. I am my own writer and that wasn't what I was used to. So I changed it back to my original formatting. Something I call Paragraphed Poerty. It's meant to be read aloud, in front of an audience (like a monolgue). Thank you for making be realize it was silly of me to try and be somrthing else. I apperciate that. I will also briefly explain my views for you: The narrator is on a rant in her mind about basically what she wants to scream in Stella's face. I make her refer to the reader as Stella sometimes to make it point so you can see her anger kind of spurt out. The narrator is jealous because the boy, although he loved her first, is with Stella. But the boy still loves the narrator and the narrator wants him now solely because she can't have him. You may find yourself not liking the narrator. Sometimes I find myself not liking her either.
Thank you for reviewing, you helped me very much.