Sometimes I imagine myself in the shower with him – his eagle tattoo glaring me down as my lips taste his chest. He twitches and moans under my touch and gently melts in my arms. I look up, he looks down, and suddenly our faces are pinched together at the mouths! I can see it everywhere I go, this fantasy, this image of perfection. My darling and his eagle tattoo that hates me, and really, I can’t blame it. But that eagle may be the only thing standing between me and the darkest dreams I’ve ever had.
The key to his heart doesn’t lie in places like mine. Touch me here, push me there, and I’ll be forever unlocked to you and your hopefully unruly intentions, but the boy with the eagle tattoo is different. Although I hate to say it, he is different – such an ugly term. I’d rather he be like the rest of them: rough, rigid, bloodthirsty, saliva-threatening, crude, untrustworthy, or even typical. I can’t just reach and grab to find his heart. The farther I stick my tongue down his throat the farther I fall into the black hole of the unmentioned death sentence.
Trying to look through him would be too hard. The eagle comes for me in my sleep to peck the hair out of my head and when I wake up I see it all over my pillow. I look over my shoulder and there it is – sleeping soundly on the chest I suck and yearn for. I can feel my blood boil and react, but I still can only dream these dark plays in my mind!
One, two, and three: pull my hair. Four, five, and six: tease me so I can break you. Seven, eight, and nine: show me your fangs so I can rip them from your gums with mine! I am the heartbreaker, but with each peck – peck, peck, peck – my stone heart goes under. Cracking and crunching, I’m crippling by the minute. The longer I stay the farther I’ll take us both down. Which, in fact, I’d rather not . . .
I poke and prod at the boy with the eagle tattoo, because of the death wish I’ve come to realize is the one thing I’ve really truly wanted. This want, this want is something so familiar. It is something I don’t want, something that I knew would never please me. But now it begins to fill me; it fills me like semen to the brim! No more covers, no more eyelashes, I only want to feed the eagle so it opens to me the chest of the boy that moans and murmurs that he does feel this love, that I’m not in the same situation I’ve forced myself to throw others into! He, so sweet, so small, so good.
Give me the seeds, hand me all the flowers and rabbits; I’ll sacrifice them all to the eagle that holds the only thing I ever wanted to hold with my filthy hands! Take this meat, take the blood, take my earnings and selfish will and fly away so I can feel what’s caged behind! His only, his one love that he has for me: the heart of the boy with the eagle tattoo.
So for a poem, this seems very strange. As a short story prose piece, it seems strange too. I'm not sure exactly which category would be best for it. There are elements of short stories, such as the paragraph set up, and explaining a narrative through the story, but there are also elements of poetry, such as the girl really being the lock, and some of the poetic language. So we're stuck in the middle, and it's not that satisfying for me to be in the middle. I like recognizable poetry, or recognizable short stories. That being said, I'll try to explain how to go one way or the other.
If you want this to be more of a poem, you should shorten it, take out some of the narrative, and really focus on portraying the speaker to the audience in a way that will express the intent of the poem. That being said, I'm not sure what the intent of the poem Is at this point. Do you want to make us feel the desire the speaker has for the boy? or is it something more simplistic than that, and you want to make us sympathize with the shock the speaker experiences when s/he realizes the boy does love her? You'd have to answer these questions for yourself, and then pick out a particular event you want to express in order to really get down to the nitty gritty of the poem. When that happens, use lines in order to create unique relationships between words that wouldn't typically belong together.
If you want this to be a short story, you should think about describing a scene instead of an overview of what is going on. Put us in bed with the couple, or in the shower, make us hear what they're saying, feel what the girl feels, describe things from a perspective that it doesn't sound reminiscent due to the fogginess of the situation. For instance: 'The water splashed unnoticed over us as I licked his chest. Soaked to the bone, I could barely see up at him, but our eyes still connected for a second.' etc. This will give the reader a better understanding of what is going on and give them a chance to root for the girl, or the boy depending on their desired reading.
If you were going for the free-verse form of poetry where you just write in paragraphs, stream of consciousness, I think this is too thought out to really be there. There's too much going on and it is too structured with sentences, paragraphs and so forth, plus this really would still need to be shorter for that.
Ah, thank you for reviewing and noticing that my poetry differs from yours. You are very observant and I can see you like it done the way it should be. Which is awesome because I've never been able to write in a technical sense. And, also, thank you for showing me how, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to stay with my own style. If you were aware my writing is neither traditional poetry nor short story, I call it urban word poetry. It is meant to be preformed like a monologue, on stage or slam. Other than that, my writing has no legitimate genre. That, I will figure out as I grow up, haha. But thank you for reading anyhow.
Great story, truly entertaining. I wish there was more, it ended so short! For monologue, I won't need to complain at lack of scenery. The title itself interested me. A title is important, it attracts a reader, and your title did just that. Keep writing, this is great!!
Thank you very much for reviewing my poem! And, I like everything I write to be short and sweet, haha. So most of my writings will only be a few paragraphs - its all I need to get my point across. Again, Thank you for reading my poem!
Okay so now I think it should be called something else but then again I don't. I really like this, a lot. I like how you started out at the beginning. The it's really all a fantasy, that TOTS cool.
LOVER OF EMOTIONS 
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Now I know this review is supposed to be about what you did wrong. And to be honest, I wasn't even really paying attention to what was wrong. I was in the poetry itself. I was listening, well reading, every word like I wrote it. It's so good that I feel the need to reread it. It's so beautiful and different.
'Touch me here, push me there and I’ll be forever unlocked to you and your hopefully unruly intentions, but the boy with the eagle tattoo is different.' here you need another , after the first and, because it's like you have items in a series so you need another comma.
That's really it. Oh and this sounds like something you'd read in front of a whole crowd or poetry group and I like it.
~:D
Ah, thank you very much for the review. I'm very excited that you like it. And yes, it is meant to be read aloud to people with emotion and such. I'm glad you noticed! Again, thank you for the review c: