From the core which is my heart,
That sets me and my host apart.
I am dark as they call me now
But do they judge me? How?
What have I done if not my job
That I love for my core to throb?
I wrestle with my pain, not head
Which holds what should be dead.
My core holds the darkness of my soul
Which I must carry as the years roll.
My head embraces the darkness which
Keeps me from undergoing a switch
That is too much for me to bear,
For I know my lightness is there.
I walk among the living and feed
Off their plots and turn the deed
Against my most desireable prey
And leave the place without delay.
I'm dark to the core, it's plain to see.
I'm just a chest that has no key.
Do you hate me now? I don't care
For now you know I'm always there.
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140,245 Literary Works • 673,059 Reviews
I really liked these lines in the poem! They're actually very emotional, sort of a contrast to the rest of the piece. The poem in the whole was a little bit...laborious. I think you have a really excellent concept and I can see what you're going for. But poetry is about letting the words onto the page, rather than digging them into it. I loved the poem and the meaning to it, but I think your style could improve if you worked to loosen up. Let the emotions speak for the poem! But honestly I liked the concept and I liked everything else. You got potential!
Amazing! I wish I could write poetry that well. I'm generally only good with science fiction. That includes reviews on the list of things I'm not good at writing. Well, I didn't see any problems. Loved it though!
Hi, Red! Here to review! ^^
I'm not sure what it was that made me click on your poem - the title, I suppose. And I'll tell you first of all that you definitely have an interesting concept here - that much is good.
However, it just wasn't that well executed. There were too many cliches, for starters, and the rhymes just didn't sound very good. I'll start off with explaining why I hate rhyme-schemes so much:
For starters, all they do is limit the poet to the words that they can use. When you limit choices like that, chances are that you're going to be forced to use words that just don't work well with the rest of the poem, words that ruin the flow and words that make up cliches. If you're going to have a rhyme scheme in a poem, you have to be extremely careful to look for words that do the exact opposite of this. This rhyme scheme makes the poem seem choppy, forced and hard to read. None of the rhymes that I could find really seemed natural.
The entire first stanza really bothered me for this - I couldn't find a single rhyme that didn't sound like it was forcing you to use a certain word just for the sake of the rhyme. None of them sounded natural. Actually, the second stanza wasn't really much better. The flow especially was off in the second one. The third was a little better, as the rhymes flowed, but they still sounded terribly forced.
(Note that I'm not counting the two lines in the beginning and the two lines at the end as stanzas)
Now, cliches and other such things:
For starters, referring to your heart as the 'core of your being' is a very over-used and cliche description. That is the very first thing that threw me off about the poem. Not the rhymes, not the "darkness" or the "creepiness", the fact that you used the word 'core' while referring to the heart.
On top of that, you had tons of tiny little cliche lines scattered everywhere. I'll point out a few here:
Core throbbing - it's a double cliche.
Your head embracing anything = cliche.
Just an overused phrase as a general rule.
And then there are plenty more where that came from, but I'm not going to shove them all up your nose and down your throat at once.
If you want my best advice right now, I'd say keep the concept but change the way you wrote the poem. Get rid of the rhyme-scheme, for starters, and try rewording things. Use imagery that we haven't seen before - make the poem come from you rather than every other poet out there. Cliches are unoriginal, and rhyming often messes up flow.
I hope this helped.
Keep writing,
~~Ish.
That is a very well written poem, You made it sound very dark and dramatic. I like the way you made use of the words core and head through-out the poem to give it the more drama. Very good overall.
Hmmm. Interesting. You used the words head andcore a bit too many times, and Im afraid I dont quite understand. But I dont have to. This is yours. It is good though. I like it. Good job. Keepwriting.