Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
And God,
Please let the deer
On the highway
Get some kind of heaven.
Something with tall soft grass
And sweet reunion.
Let the moths in porch lights
Go some place
With a thousand suns,
That tastes like sugar
And get swallowed whole.
May the mice
In oil and glue
Have forever dry, warm fur
And full bellies.
If I am killed
For simply living,
Let death be kinder
Than man.
-Althena Davis
One
Elias
Elias was a simple man. He never bothered nobody, and nobody bothered him. At the age of twenty-eight, people began to wonder about him, why he never took a wife, why his life was spent all alone. The truth was, Elias preferred it that way. He was a shepherd who lived deep in the Rocky Mountains of Wyoming, far away from society. He had a little plot of land, enough for his small cabin, a barn for his horse, a corral, shelter, and a small pasture for his sheep. He rarely went to town, but when he did, it was for his monthly grocery run. He would ride his horse down the mountain early in the morning and into town. He would fill the saddlebags and pile as many items as he could to avoid another trip to town. Then he would ride back up the mountain where his sheep were waiting and being guarded by his three dogs, Lucky, Hank, and Rufus.
Despite what most people thought of him, Elias was not unkind. He simply preferred companionship with his dogs, sheep, and horse.
Elias liked to read. Every month, he would get a new book to read along with his groceries. His dogs kept watch over the sheep and would growl if they suspected a threat. Elias kept a shotgun with him to fend off coyotes and keep the sheep safe.
He never took the sheep more than three miles from his cabin. The forest service didn't allow camping outside designated areas, so each morning Elias would let the sheep out of the corrals, and each night he would bring them back in.
It was late afternoon when it started to rain; at first it was a slow sprinkle, but before long the rain began to pour. For the last hour, Elias had been trying to herd his sheep into their pen. When at last he had gotten them settled, he put his horse in the small barn and rushed into his cabin. He was soaked to the bone and chilled just as much. He took a towel from the closet, dried himself, and got into a dry change of clothes. Then he went back outside to the porch, where he could smell the rain and stay dry at the same time. He sat in his chair and lit a cigarette, breathing in and exhaling in a huff of exhausted smoke.
After a while, he drifted off to sleep to the sound of the pouring rain. About an hour later, he was awoken by the sound of barking, but there seemed to be more than three distinctive dogs barking. Elias quickly grabbed his shotgun, thinking it was coyotes, but it was dark now, and he couldn't see much through the rain. He held his gun at the ready, his eyes scanning for threats. Then from the darkness came a voice.
“Whoa there! Don't shoot! My name is Beau Westley, and I’ve got a flock of sheep with me. We’re a bit lost. I wonder if we could take shelter with you until we find our way?”
“Your sheep branded?” Elias asked in return.
“Yes, sir, every one of ‘em,” Beau replied with a smile.
“Good, mine aren't. We’ll be able to tell ‘em apart.”
“Thank you kindly, sir.”
Elias wasn't partial to getting in the rain again, but he went out to help the stranger get his sheep under shelter, along with his horse and two dogs, which had been the source of the barking earlier.
Elias led Beau to the cabin and lit the fireplace once inside. He offered the stranger some dry clothes since they were roughly the same size, and brewed them a warm pot of coffee.
Elias studied the other man. Beau had sandy blond hair that darkened near the roots, and his emerald green eyes seemed to stand out against his pale skin. Across his nose was freckled from years working in the sun, and his eyelashes were dark and long. If Elias were to use a word to describe him, he would say he was generally handsome, but only to let the poor man keep his dignity. The truth was, “handsome” was not the word Elias would have used. The words that came to mind were more along the lines of “pretty”, but not pretty in the same way girls or flowers are pretty. More like when the sun peeks through a break in dark storm clouds and makes the mountainside glow with a thousand different greens.
Beau sat on the floor next to the glowing fire, poking it with the iron rod. He didn't pay much attention to Elias on the sofa behind him; he was too focused on warming up.
“Where ya’ from?” Beau finally broke the silence. A shame, really. Elias was enjoying the quiet.
“Here.” He replied plainly.
“You stay here alone?”
“Yes, sir, I do.”
“How come?” Beau was gettin’ too close to things Elias didn't want to answer.
“I don’t like talkin’ to people. Havin’ someone around would force me to talk.” Elias replied. He wanted to turn the subject away from himself. “Where you from?”
“Kansas,” replied Beau.
“What are you doin’ here then?”
“I don’t like Kansas.”
“And why not?” Elias had never been to Kansas, had no idea what it was like, but he was curious why Beau disliked the place.
“I was bored out of my mind,” Beau answered. “It's all just flat and brown. Came here when my pa passed.”
“I see, sorry to hear that.”
Neither of them spoke after that. Beau enjoyed the fire, and Elias sat down to read his book. After some time, Elias got up and offered Beau the sofa to sleep on and went to his room to sleep himself.
End of chapter
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Hey Red! Your writing in "Sheep Dogs" is truly beautiful. The opening immediately draws you in and pulls you through the whole story. I especially loved how you introduce us to Elias and make him relatable in such a short piece. The cabin, the sheep, dogs, his horse, books and even the monthly trip to town all add up to create a character that has truly lived in this environment.
was a great way to introduce him because it didn't make him out to be anti-social which I'm sure he's not, just makes him more relatable because he seems to be quite content with his lifestyle.
The storm was a lovely way to introduce Beau as well. I could imagine Elias sitting on his porch, listening to the rain fall, when suddenly he notices the commotion. It's a simple way to draw in another character and provide some conflict, especially conflict that Elias might not even know about yet.
I loved the simplicity of the sentence. After describing what a lovely day it was, all of a sudden there's some tension and a mystery as to who is out in the storm.
Beau seems to be quite the interesting character. I liked how he was portrayed almost from the beginning. Especially in contrast to Elias, the two are very different with Beau being a bit more inquisitive and chatty. I also liked the part where you described Beau as Elias looked out upon the storm
It was probably one of my favorite descriptions in the whole chapter because it showed us that he did notice Beau, just not often. It was also a nice way to describe how interesting he found him.
The dialogue seemed pretty simple, but I think it fit the two characters. They didn't have to know a lot about each other because they were in a situation that piqued their interest. I was actually curious myself to find out what brought two seemingly unlike men to such an isolated cabin in the woods.
My main critique would be to maybe cut some of the repetitive descriptions and sentence structures, especially at the beginning
But overall, I absolutely loved this opening and can't wait to read more. It was simple and beautiful but had enough intrigue and mystery to keep me wanting to know more about these two interesting characters.
Lovely work!<3
~hira♡
Well I think that starting poem sets quite the mood! Let's see how the story follows this up!
I think the beginning is very effective. I like however listen you paid a picture of your main character and how easily you said to see. I'm still worried about the starting poem but for now I am calm and in the zone!
I think that is one mention of dry too many for this paragraph.
I'm kind of saddened that he lives alone, has the perfect life (according to himself) and still feels the need to smoke. In my opinion smoking always feels like there's something in your life that you actually seems to lack so why does he do it what made him this dependent on the substance? Is it the lack of social contact maybe?
. I kind of fish you had added a description on where exactly the new guy is positioned in relation to the porch. I know it's dark and stuff but I'm still having trouble picturing the space.
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Why do I hear brokeback mountain music?
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I love this consistent characterization!
. Here's a tip on dialogue formatting. You actually need a comma after talk since the dialogue and the direct tag are part of the same sentence in this case. To reply as a speech tag.
And I'm curious why he's suddenly curry is about another person. It feels like a leopard break in his otherwise strong Characterization!
Thanks for sharing and have a great day!
So Elias dose infact strugle with lonelieness but he also smokes because it was norma for the time, this is the late 70's which will be more apparant throught the book. as for the sudden curiosity he has for Bea, its beacuse Elias doesn't actually like being alone, but hes been left behind so much that he puts up a wall even he can't always get through.
I hope that answered your questions, and I hope you keep up with the story!
Hi!
This is a really charming first chapter. I really enjoyed it, and I am looking forward to more. I like how it was slow-moving, and not much action, and it felt quite cosy. The few pieces of dialogue between Elias and Beau are really characterising and sweet. It does rely a bit more on telling rather than showing in some areas, and perhaps could benefit from being a bit longer to avoid this, since more scenes would flesh Elias out. If Elias lives alone and doesn't speak to many people, why is he so quick to invite Beau in? You could set this up a little better though I do get he would look after another shephard like himself.
Observations whilst reading:
I guess you mean he would pile as many items onto the horse? Or does he have a wagon? Maybe just some more information to clarify what you mean here!
I would maybe have a colon, as it's a list. by his three dogs: Lucky, Hank, and Rufus.
Is there a reason people would think him unkind? Just because he isn't married? Or are there stories about him, whispers about a dark path? Whilst i totally believe that a town would grow to hate someone who doesn't fit it, I find it hard when I'm told this information instead of shown it, as it means I just have to take your word. Maybe a scene where we see how townspeople gossip as he passes on the way to get his groceries would help me visualise.
Again, it's a nice touch but it's a lot of telling. Maybe show us this by incorporating it into a scene. If you started with a scene of him getting groceries, you could show this by having him pick out a new book, for example, and this would tell us more about him.
That's two words XD Elias doesn't seem the type to beat around the bush, you could just sand handsome.
I really love this, it's beautiful prose & imagery
This made me laugh!
Thank you so much for your feedback! So, your first critique makes sense because you don't know as much as I know about Elias at this point, so you wouldn't know that Elias actually strugles with solitude without realizing it, he been abadond somany times that he has a mentality of "i dont need anyone anyway" but the truth is, he does and thats why he makes the subconcious desision to help Beau.
I am extremely hooked. This first chapter like all great first chapters do, set the scene very well and introduced the characters to me very well. The dialogue feels natural and human, and the whole first chapter kind of has a naturalistic feel. It feels like a story not too far off from something that could happen in real life. It reminds me of Cormac McCarthy’s novel, All The Pretty Horses.
It is based on the movie Brokeback Mountain, so brace yourself.