E - Everyone

Raya's Heritage Chapter Five

PreviousNext

The walk back to the mansion was much faster this time, probably because Raya knew where she was going now. As she walked, she wondered how she was going to find her room. She had no idea where it was because no one had showed it to her. Again, she didn’t want to bother Carsen. She didn’t want to pull the bell rope in the library either. That seemed rude somehow, to summon someone with a bell. Thankfully, she didn’t have to do either of those things. When she reached the garden at the back, the girl that showed Mom and Dad to their room was going back into the mansion. Coming back from some errand no doubt.

What was her name? Raya wondered.

“Excuse me,” Raya called to her.

The girl stopped and turned around.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” Raya said “but could you help me find my room?”

“It’s no bother, miss,” the maid gave her a friendly smile. “What’s your name, if I may ask?”

“Raya,” Raya replied. “Raya Colt.”

When Raya said her name, the maid got the most curious look on her face, but she bobbed her head in acknowledgment and the friendly smile soon returned. She led Raya up the stairs in the foyer to a room on the far end of the right hall.

“There’s a bathroom inside, miss,” the maid informed her at the door.

Raya glanced down at herself. “Thanks.”

The girl nodded and made as if to move off.

“Wait,” Raya called. “What’s your name?”

“Nadine,” the maid answered.

“Thanks, Nadine.” Nadine curtsied and scurried off to complete whatever chores were hers.

The room was very spacious. Raya discovered there were actually three: a sitting room, a bedroom to the left, and a bathroom to the right. She almost went out to hunt down Nadine and ask if she’d made a mistake in her room – it was very beautiful with its rose theme – but she decided against it once she saw her bags next to the dresser.

According to Mr. Daine, she had a little more than an hour before supper, so she decided to take a bath. The tub was like a Jacuzzi, only smaller. The jets on the side had Raya sighing happily as she slipped into the water. For a while, she let herself soak. Then she grabbed a bottle of shampoo and began working it through her hair. By the time she got out, she smelled like strawberries and was relaxed and much cleaner than before.

She remember the maps as she got dressed. She hesitated for a moment, glancing at her discarded clothes on the floor. Then she pulled out the old papers and slipped them into her pocket. She’d have to show them to her sister and brothers tonight after supper.

Supper that night was actually quite a success, though maybe a little strained. Her nameless uncle showed up toting his boys along with him. Apparently, Heather and her daughter were feeling ill. At least, that was the excuse he gave. Raya was proud when Mom entered the dining room on Dad’s arm. She knew it was a courageous thing to do after the morning’s events. If anyone had a right to claim they weren’t feeling well, Raya knew it would be Mom.

The families greeted each other rather formally before sitting down to eat. It surprised Raya when her uncle began the conversation by offering his condolences to Mom and Uncle Chad for their mother’s death. Ever gracious, Mom accepted the peace offering and though it was a little halting at first, the conversation picked up and the Colts learned a little more about the unlce they never knew.

His name was Thomas Marshall. His children were Henry, the eldest; Owen, the little boy; and Ashely, his daughter and second child. He was a lawyer, a partner at a law firm that was semi-successful. He lived in California with his family, where, he admitted, business could be challenging. He asked polite questions about the Colts and answered questions in turn. The library incident wasn’t mentioned once.

Owen was adorable. Not even the earlier spat seemed to curb his child-like innocence. He took quickly to Bruce and Ryan, delighted that he had cousins whose interests coincided with his. Julia and Raya had a hard time trying not a smile when Connor and Henry both reprimanded their brothers for blowing bubbles in their drinks and making a mess. Henry talked a little with his cousins, trying at least to be polite, but unlike the adults, the conversation between the children was awkward at best.

Still, the food was good, and by the time the meal was over, the grownups and the younger boys were sorry to separate. As they exited the dining room, Julia hooked her arm in Raya’s and signaled Bruce and Rayan to follow her. She led them all to a dark corner beneath the stairs.

“Alright, did anyone find anything interesting today?” she asked.

“Not really,” Bruce said with a sigh. “I went outside and explored. I found a few people – Grandma Therisson has a lot of employees, by the way – and asked around some.”

“Discreetly, I hope,” Julia muttered.

Bruce ignored her. “They all said they didn’t know or they weren’t here long enough.”

“What about you, Ryan?”

“Same thing,” Ryan shrugged. “Except I didn’t have to ask any questions. They all talked about it once they found out my name was Colt. It was enough to open a few mouths.”

“Maybe,” Julia mused. “Are you sure it was ‘Colt’?”

“Very,” Ryan said. “I think maybe whatever happened might have had something to do with Dad?”

Raya wondered fleetingly if Mr. Daine would have known who she was if she’d just told him her last name.

“It’s something to keep in mind,” Julia frowned. “I didn’t find much of anything either, expect I asked around with the maids. None of them are old enough to remember what might have happened. They weren’t even employed back then.” She turned to Raya. “Alright, your turn. What did you find out?”

Raya began to pull out the maps when Bruce hissed a warning. They scooted further into the shadows of the staircase as Mom and Dad walked into the foyer, followed by Carsen. They were speaking with the butler in quiet tones. Raya strained to make out what they were saying. She only caught the very end.

“…you stay?” Carsen asked.

“You know that I won’t,” Mom sighed.

“If the will-“

“Not even then, Carsen.”

He looked as if he wanted to argue but changed his mind. A frown, somewhat sadder than his usual ones, formed on his face. It surprised Raya just a little. Perhaps Carsen wasn’t as scary as she had first assumed.

Mom reached up and kissed him on the cheek. “I’m sorry, Carsen, but if Chadwick inherits, maybe we might come back for a visit?”

Carsen nodded, but he still didn’t smile. Mom didn’t seem to mind it, though. Dad bid him goodnight and led her up the stairs. Carsen lingered at the base of the stairs, watching their retreating forms with an odd look on his face. He seemed troubled by something, something to do with Mom, or maybe Dad if Ryan’s theory had any merit to it. Before Raya might puzzle it out though, there was tinkle of breaking glass. His brows furrowed, his scowl returned, and he was as scary as before. He marched towards the dining room, muttering under his breath about clumsy serving men.

When he was sure the butler was out of earshot, Bruce whispered, “I wonder what that was about.”

“Sounds like Carsen might know a thing or two about what happened,” Julia said, half talking to herself. “Anyone talk to him?”

They all shook her heads.

“No way!” Raya whispered furiously, then blushed as her siblings chuckled.

“Well,” Julia smiled, “it’s probably not a good idea, anyways. He knows Mom, and he might report us.” She stifled a yawn and shook her head. “Time for bed, guys. Looks like we aren’t going to solve this one any time soon.”

They headed upstairs and bid each other goodnight before slipping quietly into their own rooms. As Raya laid her head down that night on the unfamiliar bed, she remembered the maps in her pocket. She’d forgotten to tell Julia, Bruce and Ryan about them. Though it hadn’t much to do with the mystery surrounding Mom and Grandma Therisson, she was pretty sure none of them would have hesitated to explore the secret passage ways. Her brothers especially would have been thrilled. Oh, well. She’d do it tomorrow.

~*~*~*~

The next day dawned bleak. Gray clouds had rolled in during the night and covered the whole sky by morning.

It would be so cliché, Raya thought, if it rained at the funeral.

Fortunately, there was only a light sprinkle, and by the time Raya had finished her breakfast, the sun was already chasing the clouds away.

The morning was a flurry of activity for the mansion staff. Breakfast had been served in guest’s rooms so on top of morning chores, they had to worry about the morning meal and set up some of the rooms for the service and wake. Raya saw a little of Nadine that morning as she bustled in and out of the room. The maid was responsible for delivering the breakfast and clearing it up. As she left for the last time, the maid turned and asked her if she needed anything else.

“No,” Raya said, shaking her head. “I don’t think so.”

Nadine looked relieved. “Oh, good. I know it’s not my place, miss, but your cousin Ashley is keeping us all on our toes this morning.”

“What’s she doing?”

“Can’t you hear her?”

Now that she mentioned it, Raya had heard some questionable sounds. “Is she…in trouble or something?”

Nadine scoffed. “No, miss, she’s just being unpleasant. Can’t find the right dress, where’s my makeup, this is cold, I won’t have cold eggs.”

She stopped, looking horrified, but Raya only laughed. Nadine ventured a smile. “I’m glad you have something to smile about, miss.”

“I’m sorry,” Raya said.

“It’s alright. Let me clear this away and you can get ready. Guests for the funeral will start arriving soon.”

“Guests?” Raya asked. She had assumed it was only going to be family and maybe some business partners, if they could be bothered to attend.

“From Holden, miss. A little town down the road. People that knew Mrs. Therisson well.”

She smiled sadly at her old employer’s name. It was quite like the sadness Raya had seen in her mother and Carsen last night. Raya glanced away. Nadine didn’t seem to notice her how uncomfortable she was and sighed wistfully at her memories.

“I’ll leave you to get ready,” she said. She left with the breakfast tray.

Raya had planned on another bath before getting changed, but she had to settle for a quick shower. It wasn’t too bad a compromise. At least the shower was big and the water smooth, and by the time she got out she smelled like strawberries again. She put on a black skirt and shirt, braided her hair down her back, and pinned a silver brooch just above her heart. It wasn’t the most elaborate getup, but she was attending a funeral not a party. It would do.

As she came out of her room, her mother emerged from another. She smiled dreamily at Raya, but all Raya saw was her exhaustion. Her black dress looked wrong on her, too dark and bitter, and her makeup did its best to hide the fact that she was bone weary, but Raya knew her mother. She smiled back.

“Good morning,” Raya said tentatively.

“Good morning, darling,” Mom said in reply. “Don’t you look beautiful?”

Raya blushed and smoothed down the front of her skirt. “It’s nothing.”

“No, it’s not,” Mom insisted. Then a frown touched her lips and her eyes focused on something behind her daughter. “Raya, what were you doing in your grandmother’s room?”

Raya froze, startled. “I-it’s my room.”

“Raya…”

“No, really. It’s my room.”

For a moment, Mom gazed at Raya’s bedroom door as if it were some forbidden object she wanted to touch.

“Carsen what were you thinking?” she said to herself. Then she sighed. “Never mind. Today’s not a day to get into that sort of thing. I’ll have to speak with Carsen later, though.” She walked over and took Raya’s arm in hers. “Everyone is already downstairs. Shall we join them?”

Raya offered her a weak smile and a nod, but her mind was whirling from the revelation she’d just had. As her mother led her away, she glanced back at the door of her room. Her grandmother’s room, she amended. Someone – Mom had said Carsen – had given her Grandma Therisson’s room. It was so soon after her death. They hadn’t even started the funeral yet. Raya tried to recall if anyone had said where she died. Could it have been in her room? She sincerely hoped it was not. The knowledge that a person might have died in the room Raya was sleeping in was frightening, but a more practical part of her told her it was an unexpected but excellent opportunity in their hunt for answers. She’d just have to avoid the chairs and consider sleeping on the floor.

The guests had already begun to arrive by the time Raya and her mother made it downstairs. The doors had been opened to allow the people to move easily from the front room to the ballroom where the service would be held before the burial. Nadine had told Raya that only those who knew Grandma Therisson would be attending from Holden, but there were so many people coming in that Raya was inclined to disbelieve her. There were a few well-dressed men who reminded Raya of Mr. White but most of the people there were like…well, like her. She couldn’t quite believe that this many people would be here to say good-bye to a good friend, especially if it was Raya’s grandmother.

She spotted her father amid a crowd of people, and her mother went to join Carsen, Uncle Chad, and Uncle Thomas at the front doors. Raya didn’t see her aunt or cousins and, after a little while of searching, realized her siblings weren’t present either. As the crowd grew, Raya decided to search them out. She found them in the small courtyard just outside the far door of the ballroom. Julia was sitting on one of the stone benches, watching on in undisguised amusement as Connor attempted to teach Brue and Ryan how to tie their neck ties, but both of them were having trouble.

“Okay, wrap it around…no to the left. Behind the small one,” Connor said.

“But I thought you said right!” Ryan protested.

“What do I do after I wrap it?” Bruce asked.

“Wrap it the same way and stick the end through the top. No, no, no. Here, let me,” Connor left Ryan to fend for himself and finished off Bruce’s tie.

“Morning!” Raya said cheerfully as she approached.

“Morning,” Julia replied, eyes twinkling. “Come sit in on the fun.”

“You try tying one of these,” Ryan growled at his sister.

Julia rolled her eyes and stood up. “Here.”

She took the ends and wrapped one around the other with deft fingers, slipping the end through the loops at the top and straightening the tie at his neck.

“There,” she said triumphantly.

“How’d you do that?” Ryan asked, pulling at the tie.

Julia shrugged. “Mom taught me.”

“Since when do girls learn to ties?” Bruce asked.

“Since guys are clueless,” Julia smirked.

Bruce reddened and opened his mouth to say something. Connor put his hands on his brother’s shoulders and squeezed.

“Okay, let’s not say anything we’ll regret,” he said.

Raya watched the faces of her brothers. Bruce and Ryan glared angrily at Julia, and even Connor seemed annoyed with his sister. Julia’s ability to recognize when she’d gone too far often ended when it came to her brothers. As the boys grumbled, she sat down with a spin of her skirt and a smug smile on her face. Raya sat down next to her with a reproachful look.

“You’re lucky Connor stepped in,” she said.

“I could’ve handled them,” her sister said, waving her hand.

“All three of them? Jules, seriously, you ought to say you’re sorry.”

Julia’s smile disappeared. “Fine, later.”

Raya was a little skeptical, but she knew from experience that if she pushed her sister too hard, nothing would get solved. She let it go and focused on the new piece of information she’d gotten that morning.

“I have to tell you something,” she whispered. “Something about Grandma Therisson.”

Julia was immediately alert. She leaned in secretively. “What is it?”

Raya bit her lip and told her the morning’s events, starting with Mom in the hallway. When she finished, Julia was giddy with excitement.

“You know what this means, right?” Julia asked. “We can look for clues about what happened.”

“Would she have anything?” Raya asked, doubtful as a thought crossed her mind. “It was years ago and maybe she didn’t want to remember it.”

“Don’t ruin this, Raya,” Julia frowned. “This is our best lead yet.”

Raya nodded. “What about the boys?”

They looked over at the boys, who’d congregated across from them on their own stone bench.

“We-we can tell them what we find later,” Julia said.

Raya nudged her with an elbow. Julia’s pride was holding her back. She never liked to admit when she was wrong, and apologies were rare and few in between. But for the sake of the mystery, she would have to get over it.

Julia sighed.

“Okay,” she called over to them. “Look that comment…was uncalled for. I was wrong.”

Bruce, Ryan, and Connor looked up from their corner and then at each other. Connor shook his head.

“Unacceptable,” he said.

“That wasn’t even a real apology,” Ryan agreed.

Julia frowned. “Well, it’s the best you’re…” she began, but Raya nudged her again. Julia looked down at her little sister and rolled her eyes.

“Fine,” she said in exasperation. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I called you clueless. You’re not…most of the time.”

Raya frowned, but she didn’t have to worry. Bruce and Ryan seemed to get their sister, and they smiled.

“Fine, you’re apology is accepted,” Bruce said.

Connor grunted but nodded.

“Don’t get used to it,” Julia muttered, but if the boys heard her, they ignored her.

“You all look very nice,” Raya said, in an attempt to soothe her brother’s bruised pride. “Especially you Connor.”

Connor couldn’t help but smile. “Thanks, Raya.”

He did look good. He’d decided to skip out on the suit and don his dress uniform instead. The dark blue service uniform was form fitting and tight around his shoulders and waist. He’d certainly gotten fit since joining the military. His necktie was slightly off kilter, but his suit was ironed to perfection and his stiff black shoes were polished until they shone. On a bench behind him was a small blue cloth cap.

“It seemed proper,” he said, adjusting his jacket. “Plus, I don’t get very many opportunities to wear this.” He picked up his hat and put it on his head, clicking his heels together as he came to attention. Then his smile widened. “How about now?”

“Like a proper soldier,” came a voice.

Dad walked into the courtyard, stopping in front of his children. “You all look really nice.”

They all smiled.

“I’ve come to fetch you for the service. It’ll be starting in a little while.” He approached his daughters and offered them both an arm. “May I escort you lovely young ladies to your seats?”

Raya slipped her arm into her father’s. Julia followed suit, and together they entered the ballroom.

Comments & reviews · 5
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Heya, Chrissy here for a review!

Thanks for the PM! I didn't want to miss this piece. Sorry for taking so long to get to it, though. I've been a little busy.

The girl stopped and turned around.


I just realized that she is the only person I don't have a clear picture of. Not really any picture at all. I think you need to do something. Especially if she is going to be a important piece of the story. Just a few hints should be enough.

the unlce they never knew


A little misspelling here.

Supper that night was actually quite a success, though maybe a little strained.


I'm wondering if dinner was fancy or not. You never say, but considering the house, I was excepting a little bit of ceremony over supper. Servants and whatnot bringing food to the table. China, tablecloths, cloth napkins maybe. Just little things like that.

Also, if you do put that in, make it so she is a little uncomfortable. Just a bit. She wouldn't used to that, I'm guessing.

maybe Dad if Ryan’s theory had any merit to it.


Comma between "Dad" and "if". :D

It would be so cliché, Raya thought, if it rained at the funeral.


I know what you mean. ;)

Can’t find the right dress, where’s my makeup, this is cold, I won’t have cold eggs.”


I thought you should say something about her changing her tone of voice. You know how you would if you started talking like that. So would she.

She’d just have to avoid the chairs and consider sleeping on the floor.


This is my favorite part. Have her sleep on the floor! That would be awesome!

As the crowd grew, Raya decided to search them out. She found them in the small courtyard just outside the far door of the ballroom.


Okay, you say she is going to go search them out, but she never does. Or she does, but we don't see it. We know she did, but we don't see her squeezing though the crowds, skipping round people dressed in black, or maybe avoiding someone she doesn't want to meet. Add a sentence with that in their. And describe the courtyard.

You say that there is two benches, but that is all I get. Is it outside? Then tell us about the sudden change in air. Maybe it was stuffy inside, and out here it is clear. Maybe there is some wind blowing. Maybe it's hot outside. We have the scene, we just need you to fill in a little color.

“Especially you Connor.”


Comma between "you" and "Connor".

“Like a proper soldier,” came a voice.

Dad walked into the courtyard, stopping in front of his children. “You all look really nice.”


If he's talking to them, and is already close enough to hear what they are saying, then he would already be inside the courtyard. You can have him watching them, or something.

Another thing, when you say walked in and stopped in front of them, I had the picture of him turning a corner and there they were. But before hand, I had the image of them at the far side, facing the door. Maybe it's just me, and I got everything mixed up, though.

They all smiled.


Okay, this little bit is what I think, but would the younger boys smile? From my own experience with my brothers, I would get a few glares, some eye rolls some growling from one, and mostly they would all be uncomfortable. To call them nice, handsome, or cute is to declare war. Maybe that is just me with weird brothers, but I figured I might as well throw that out for you to think about. Not all boys like being complimented on how they look.

Okay, that's it with the nitpicks, but I do have one more thing to point out.

You have no eye contact. They never really seem to look each other in the face. It is a small detail, but it adds a lot of depth to the characters and scenes. You can tell if they are enemies, friends, or somewhat in between both.

Okay, I believe that does it! I am completely out of stuff to talk about. If you don't start making more mistakes, I will be out of a job!

Post the next bit soon! I'm hungry for more, and to see if she really avoids the chairs, and sleeps on the floor. Don't forget to PM me!

Keep writing! :D

User avatar
Chaser
Review
Chaser wrote a review · Sun May 31, 2015 11:50 pm

Happy Review Day!

Let's start with plot. You're doing an excellent job of incorporating mystery into your writing. The only advice I have is to revisit previous descriptions of the mansion as the mystery deepens. Bring new into the old as Raya begins to observe her surroundings more sharply, her head wrapped in the Therisson mystery.

Your word choice is very decent, and your grammar is mostly sound. Your dialogue works well, except for when Dad says that they all look really nice. That part gets repetitive. When you describe the environment, however, you don't really tell anything about the mansion other than Raya's room. That's fine and all, but it feels slightly amiss.

Have you tried adding adverbs? They might give the dialogue sections more flair. But be careful not to overuse them.

Minor errors:
You misspelled uncle.
You said "you're apology is accepted." Your apology.

The mystery tone and plot you have here are shaping up quite well. I can't wait to see what comes next. Cheers.


-Chaser

User avatar
bloodybelle01
Review

This was heart wrenching and I haven't even read what came before this chapter! I am utterly speechless and I don't even know why!

I would just like to quickly mention that one time you spelt 'uncle' wrong near the beginning of the piece, so you should fix that. When talking about who he was and his children you neglected to mention his wife... was that intentional? Also, I would say that Henry was the oldest before his name rather than afterwards, just for the sake of the flow of the story. Apart from that this was glorious. The dialogue felt natural, the story is interesting, the characters are hilarious and relatable, the emotions are sincere and the happenings aren't completely ridiculous. Just a wonderful specimen of literature... does that even make sense?

This is an incredible piece of work which I would like to read more of should I get the time, so well done.

Keep on writing,
Tate x

User avatar
Maverick
Comment

Sorry this posted twice >.<

User avatar
Maverick
Review

Hello RedMoon :) Happy Review Day! I haven’t read any of the other chapters to this story, so I’m sorry that this will be more focused on writing style than plot.

First off. Your grammar, spelling, etc. is really wonderful! I also like how varied you language is. I couldn’t really spot any true mistakes, except for maybe a typo here and there:

“I’m sorry to bother you,” Raya said “but could you help me find my room?”

There needs to be a comma after the ‘said’, as you probably know.

Before Raya might puzzle it out though, there was tinkle of breaking glass.

‘Might’ is a strange choice here; I’d go with ‘could’. Also, there needs to be an ‘a’ before tinkle.

They all shook her heads.

‘Their’

“Wrap it the same way and stick the end through the top. No, no, no. Here, let me,” Connor left Ryan to fend for himself and finished off Bruce’s tie.

Needs to be a period instead of a comma before the closing quotation mark, as there’s no “he said, asked, etc.” that follows it.

“From Holden, miss. A little town down the road.”

‘Miss’ is being used as a pronoun and needs to be capitalized.

But yeah, you get the point. Maybe go through it once again to catch all these tiny, little typos. Now, onto other stuff.

In one sentence, you use Jacuzzi:
The tub was like a Jacuzzi, only smaller.

Jacuzzi is the brand that sells whirlpool hot tubs. It’s like saying Kleenex when you could just write tissue. While it’s pretty common in colloquial speech, using an actual brand doesn’t quite seem to fit into the story, in my opinion, as there is no real mention of any others.

The biggest recommendation I have is try to break free of a “he did this, he did that” pattern of writing that you seem to take on for certain paragraphs. For example:
His name was Thomas Marshall. His children were Henry, the eldest; Owen, the little boy; and Ashely, his daughter and second child. He was a lawyer, a partner at a law firm that was semi-successful. He lived in California with his family, where, he admitted, business could be challenging. He asked polite questions about the Colts and answered questions in turn.

Every single sentence here begins with either “his” or “he”, which honestly gets a bit repetitive. Try to structure sentences around the pronouns in cases like this.

Other than that though… Wow! You have a very fluid writing style that makes your story very easy to read. You also seem to know exactly where you are heading, which helps as well. I especially like how realistic your dialogue is. While I may not have been entirely aware of what was going on, I certainly want to go back and read the other chapters! Awesome stuff, keep up the excellent writing :)

Maverick



“Can a magician kill a man by magic?” Lord Wellington asked Strange. Strange frowned. He seemed to dislike the question. “I suppose a magician might,” he admitted, “but a gentleman never could.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell