z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Raya's Heritage Chapter One

by RedMoon


Okay, so I did some major editing to this piece. At first, I didn't have Connor in the story, but I realized that I could use him later. So, I made big changes. I hope this works.

*****

Raya was in the middle of a math test trying to work her mind around a tricky problem when she heard her name on the intercom.

“Raya Colt, would you please come up to the office? Raya Colt, to the principal’s office please.”

All eyes in the classroom turned to her. She stared back at them.

“Time hasn’t been called yet,” Mr. Addison said.

They all turned back to their tests, but Raya could feel the small glances that were sent her way.

“I didn’t do anything!” she wanted to protest, but she kept silent. The truth was she did do something. Last Wednesday, she hadn’t attended her last three classes of the day because she had snuck out with her boyfriend to eat lunch in the park. But she’d only done it once. She didn’t think the discrepancy would be noticed.

“Miss Colt?”

Raya looked up at her teacher.

“Gather you things and turn in your test,” he said.

She did as she was told.

As she walked up the aisle, a hand reached out and pushed a folded note at her. Raya took it and slipped it into her pocket, glancing at Jemma as she did. Her friend smiled back at her, her bright blue eyes wide with worry. Raya smiled back and looked away before Mr. Addison noticed. She didn’t want to get her friend in trouble.

As she handed in her test, her teacher smiled softly up at her.

“You can take your test later,” he said.

She nodded and exited the classroom. The principal’s office was on the first floor and her math class was on the second. Despite student petitions to put in elevators – there were four floors – the school had yet to put any in. Raya headed for the stairs, pulling out the note as she did.

Call me later.

Raya sighed and pocketed it again. If she was any less nervous, she might be laughing at the ever curious Jemma. Her parents were going to kill her. It was all she could think of as she made her way to the office. She was so dead. So very, very dead.

Ms. Avery, the school’s secretary, was waiting for her when she got there.

“They’re in the office sweetie,” she said.

Raya stopped.

“They?”

Ms. Avery nodded. “Your brothers and sister. And the principal. They’re waiting for you. Go on.”

She waved Raya towards the office door. Raya obeyed. Well, now she knew that it wasn’t about last week. But what else would they call her up to the office for? Oh gosh, her parents? Were her mom and dad okay? She had a sick feeling in her stomach as she opened the door. Julia, Bruce, and Ryan were already sitting with the principal, just like Ms. Avery had told her they would be. They turned to her when she stepped inside.

“Ah, Raya. Please come in,” Principal Matheson said. “Have a seat and don’t’ forget to close the door behind you.”

She nudged the door with her foot and sat down beside her sister. Julia took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Do you know what this is about? Are Mom and Dad okay?” Raya whispered.

“What?” Julia whispered back. “Why would…?”

The principal cleared his throat.

“I apologize for pulling you out of your classes, especially this week,” he said. “But I assure you, you will be able to retake your tests later.”

Ryan and Bruce groaned. The principal cleared his throat again.

“Yes, well, I’ll have Ms. Avery reschedule those as soon as we’re done here,” he continued. Then growing serious, he said, “I’m afraid I actually have some bad news for you.”

“Is Mom and Dad okay?” Raya blurted.

“What? No, they’re fine, Raya. Why would you think that?”

Raya felt her cheeks grow warm.

“You did pull us out of our classes to tell us something bad,” Julia said, coming to her sister’s defense.

“Well, I’m sorry for the misconception,” the principal said. “It was not my intention, honestly. Your parents are fine.”

There was a collective sigh of relief. Then Raya froze again.

“What about Connor?” she asked.

Her brother’s faces were drained of any color. Out of all of the Colt siblings, Bruce and Ryan were closest to Connor. They idolized him, especially after he went into the military.

“Your brother is fine too,” Matheson assured them.

“So, if Mom and Dad are fine, and Connor’s fine, too,” Bruce began.

“Then what’s this about?” Ryan finished.

Principal Matheson sighed. “Your mother called to tell me she’s on her way to pick you all up. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your grandmother passed away early this morning.”

~*~*~*~

Matheson was true to his word. Once they finished up in his office, he had them wait in the outer office with Ms. Avery for their mother. The plan had been to reschedule their tests for another day, but as Julia pointed out, they were going to have to make those plans with their mother. Since Grandma Therisson lived in Montana, it was impossible to tell what the family would be doing for funeral plans.

Raya had a feeling that the principal was a little confused and maybe even disappointed in their reactions. They were basically the same thing: a long moment of silence for their dead relative and then a nod of acceptance. But for the Colt children, it wasn’t a surprise. None of them had known their grandmother. She lived in Montana, they lived in Las Vegas. Though she was rich, she didn’t seem to have any interest in her family. Their parents had told them there had been a falling out between her and their mother. They never got the full details, but since then, Grandma Therisson became a witch, a crabby old lady, or just some distant relative who never gave them a second thought. The last one won out most of the time.

Raya had her math book out and was half studying, half staring at it when someone walked into the office. He was tall, wearing the camouflage uniform of a military officer. His hat covered his hair, but Raya recognized his tanned face and dark eyes. They were the same traits that could be found in her siblings and father.

“Connor!” she cried, letting her book fall to the floor as she ran to him.

Connor opened his arms and swept her up into a bear hug.

“Hey,” he said.

Julia, Bruce and Ryan crowded behind her.

“How…? When…?”Ryan stammered.

“Someone called the military office. My commanding officer gave me early leave and I got on the first plane out,” said Connor.

They attacked him again and he gave them all big hugs. It wasn’t until they’d finished greeting him that they noticed his companion. Mom must have slipped in quietly behind them. She stood a little in the background, smiling softly at the reunion. Despite her smile, Raya could tell that she’d been crying. She was a little confused, until Julia went over to hug Mom. Then she remembered. Grandma Therisson was Mom’s mother. Whatever happened in the past, Raya knew that a daughter could never stop loving her mother.

She can’t be feeling well, Raya thought. I’m glad Connor’s here, if Dad can’t be.

“Hey, mom,” Ryan said, giving her an awkward hug.

Bruce and Raya just stood next to Connor. Having never dealt with something like this before, they were unsure what to do. Ryan and Julia seemed to have it covered though. Mom hugged them both for a really long time before letting them go.

“Hey, kids,” she said. “Do you have your things?”

“Yes,” Julia replied. “Um, this week was test week.”

“But if you’re not feeling up to it,” Ms. Avery interrupted,” we can always reschedule some other time.”

“Yes, I think that would be best,” Mom said. “Right now, I’d just like to go home. Your father is trying to secure time off work.”

Raya grimaced. Her father was a professor at the University of Las Vegas. He taught basic chemistry. It would be really difficult for him to take off of work, especially with so little warning.

“Are we going to Montana?” she asked. “For the funeral?”

Connor elbowed her.

“Let’s just get on home, guys,” Mom said. “I’m a little tired and we can discuss our plans later.”

Julia immediately moved to comfort her.

“Of course,” she said, glaring at Raya. “You don’t have to think about this right now.”

Raya felt her cheeks warming, but she didn’t say anything as she grabbed her backpack and headed out the door with her family. When they were in the parking lot, Mom pulled the keys out of her purse. Connor rescued them and threw them to Ryan, who threw them to Bruce.

“Boys, no!” Mom protested, but Ryan wouldn’t hear it.

“You’re in no condition to drive, Mom,” he said. “Bruce needs the hours.”

Julia, Bruce, and Ryan were triplets, all 17 years old. But while Ryan and Julia had already gotten their licenses, Bruce had waited for forever until he decided it was time to get his. Mom shook her head but got into the passenger’s seat. The others piled into the back.

For the first few minutes, the ride was silent. Mom attempted to instruct Bruce in how to drive, but he was doing well enough and eventually she just fell silent again, staring out the window like she usually did when she was thinking.

I wonder if she’s thinking about Grandma, Raya thought.

She shook her head. Of course she was. Her mother had just died. Who else would she be thinking of?

Mom always told Raya that she looked exactly like her when she was younger. All the Colt children had the dark brown hair of their mother’s side, but only Raya could boast her mellow green eyes, her dimples, and her soft features. The trio and Connor, looked more like their father, with his deep brown eyes, strong jaw, and tanned skin. He was from a Hawaiian-American family, and the tan skin had been passed down through his father’s side of the family.

Raya wondered how much of her grandmother she had in her as well. Though her mother never talked about it much, her father had once let slip that Raya looked like her grandmother, too. Raya wasn’t sure that looking like a hateful grandmother was a good thing, but looking like a lovely mother was alright.

“We’re going to Montana for the funeral,” Mom said suddenly from the front seat.

She turned around to look at them. ‘I’d like all of you to come as well. If that’s okay, Connor.”

“Of course,” Connor nodded. “My commanding officer gave me a month.”

“That was very kind of him,” Mom said.

“Yeah, well, he lost his mother only last year. I think he understood that you...” he stopped when he saw Mom’s face contort. “Sorry.”

“No, that’s fine,” Mom said, but Raya could tell it was anything but fine.

For a moment, the car fell silent again.

Then Ryan asked, “When’s it going to be? The funeral.”

“In three days,” Mom replied. “Martha had a cemetery on her property. She wanted to be buried there.”

“She had a cemetery on her property?” Bruce asked. “Who has a cemetery on their property?”

Mom smiled. “It’s an ancestral property. It’s been in the family for generations. My great, great, great grandfather is buried there.”

“Whoa,” Ryan said. “Cool.”

“Yeah, and creepy,” Julia said.

“My brother called me on the way here,” Mom said. “You remember Chadwick?”

“Uncle Chad?” Connor asked. “Yeah. We haven’t seen him in a long time.”

“Didn’t he move to England with his girlfriend?” Raya asked.

“He’s actually at the estate now. With his girlfriend,” Mom said. He was flown over by mom’s company. He told me-“

“Company?” Raya asked. “Grandma Therisson owned a company?”

“Yes, Raya, let me finish. Chad said that mom’s lawyers have asked to see all of us, including you children, when they open up the will, so we’ll be in Montana for at least a week. That means you’ll miss a majority of your classes-“

“Oh, that’s okay,” Bruce said, sitting up a little straighter.

Mom just gave him the Look.

“And the volleyball tournament,” she added, looking pointedly at Julia, who frowned. “And you’ll have to catch up with classes once we get back. Your father and I still expect you to get all A’s this year, or else no beach trip.”

“But-oof!” Ryan grunted as Julia kicked his leg.

“That’s okay, mom. We’ll go, and it’s okay if I miss the game. It’s not as important as this,” Julia said.

Mom looked at her daughter and gave her a grateful smile. Raya wished that she could do something for her mother like Julia seemed to be doing, only she wasn’t exactly sure what Julia had done. Whatever it was, Mom seemed a whole lot better than before. She hoped it would last.

“Thanks, sweetie,” she said. “Thank you, all of you. I know that this isn’t exactly at the ideal time-“ Ryan nudged Bruce “-and none of you really knew my mom, but…” She bit her lip and turned away. “Just, thank you.”

Alarmed, Raya looked to Ryan, who looked to Julia, who grabbed Connor’s arm. Connor just shook his head. It was Bruce who finally did something. Bravely – he’d never done it before – he took one hand off of the steering wheel and took Mom’s hand. Mom grabbed it, and didn’t let go for the rest of the trip home.


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Sun Apr 26, 2015 8:16 pm
PickledChrissy wrote a review...



Heya, Chrissy here for a review!

Okay, I'm just going to work my way through and tell you what I think about it as we go. Sound good?

because she had snuck out with her boyfriend to eat lunch in the park.


XD Naughty, naughty. ;)

She did as she was told.


You say she did as she told, but the next paragraph shows that she is still doing it. You need to clear that up, cause I got a little confused.

“They’re in the office sweetie,” she said.


Comma between office and sweetie. :D

“You did pull us out of our classes to tell us something bad,” Julia said, coming to her sister’s defense.



I think you should put reminded instead of said. It seems to fit more. This is more of a matter of preference, though, so you don't have too. It's up to you.

One thing when they meet Conor. I'd like to know how tall he is compared to her. Where does she come to on him? Shoulder height?

I noticed that you are kinda lacking on description when they're talking. We know they say it, but we don't know how. Try adding some actions to their words.

Bravely – he’d never done it before – he took one hand off of the steering wheel and took Mom’s hand. Mom grabbed it, and didn’t let go for the rest of the trip home.


I love this part, it's my favorite in the entire clip. You show so much emotion with so few words. Beautiful.

Well, that's all! I couldn't find anything else. Thanks for the great read!

KEEP WRITING! :D




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Tue Apr 21, 2015 3:36 am
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Dragongirl wrote a review...



Redmoon, Dragongirl is in the house!!!

I want to start off by saying your writing is clear and easy to read. I didn't notice and spelling or grammar mistakes so what I am going to focus on in this review is your story, its flow and the characters.

Just remember, you did say to be honest. ;)

One thing I notice that in your story there is a lack of descriptions. I will be pointing out a few places that I noticed this. The first was here;

She did as she was told. As she walked up the aisle, a hand reached out and pushed a folded note at her. Raya took it and slipped it into her pocket, not looking at Jemma as she did. She didn’t want to get her friend in trouble.


Jemma, who is she? We find out after she slips a note into Raya's hand that she's a friend. Is she Raya's best friend? What does she look like? Sometimes it is good to imply things for the reader but it is also good to fill in at least part of the gaping holes of your fictional person. Now maybe Jemma isn't really important to your story. Then again, maybe she is crucial to your plot. Either way, your reader needs more than a name and the fact that she is Raya's friend to go on. Because when she pops back in to save the day, we aren't going to remember the girl who past Raya a note unless you give us a bit more to go on. And if she isn't important, consider if you even really need Jemma.


Call me later.

If Raya had been any less nervous, she might have laughed. Her parents were going to kill her.


This is a little disconnected. One minute she might laugh at her friend's note, the next her parents are going to kill her. These two things don't jive.

Julia, Bruce, and Ryan were already sitting with the principal like Ms. Avery had told her they would be. They turned to her when she stepped inside.


Once again you don't describe your characters at all. Now I know you do eventually get around to telling the reader what the siblings look like but right here when we enter the office with Raya it is such a perfect place to slip in their appearances and most defiantly the fact that they are triplets!!!

Julia, Bruce and Ryan were triplets, all 17 years old.


I was so shocked when I got farther along and read this line! That isn't something should sneak up on the reader(Unless, of course, the writer is trying to surprise the audience)!

Principal Matheson sighed. “Your mother called to tell me she’s on her way to pick you guys up. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you grandmother passed away early this morning.”


you guys, Professional adults don't talk that way.

She can’t be feeling good at all, Raya thought. Where’s Dad?


Again, very disconnected.

I hope I haven't gone over board in my nitpicking, you really are talented. Which is why I am now going to point out some of the stuff I though was just top notch!

“What about Connor?” she asked.

Her brother’s faces were drained of any color. Out of all of the Colt siblings, Bruce and Ryan were closest to Connor. They idolized him, especially after he went into the military.


I thought it was great the way you slipped in the bit about Connor being in the military. Very smooth.

Also I do want to note that while I have been ragging on you to describe you characters physical appears in more detail and more promptly, I was able to get a fairly good feel for many of your character through their speech and reactions. :) That is something I envy in other writers.

I am so looking forward to this mysterious grandmother's funeral, and I wonder what that will is going to say. You have woven a web of questions that have me eager to read chapter two.

Post it soon! :D

Thanks for asking me to review.

-DG




RedMoon says...


Thanks. I will try and fix those things. A little more about Jemma is told at the beginning of the next chapter, and she is important, but only as a friend to talk to so far. How do you suggest bringing in a description of her?



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Tue Apr 21, 2015 2:55 am
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WaltzingDreams wrote a review...



Here as promised!

Firstly, I liked how the story was made. Truly, it is realistic with what I saw in the wording and dialogue--the entire world of this fiction.

Nicely written and well punctuated! Like the other reviews here, I didn't see any grammar errors at all now I got nothing to review on. Joke.

Last week on Wednesday, she hadn’t attended her last three classes of the day
Reading 'last week on Wednesday was a bit redundant. It could just be: "Last Wednesday..."


“Gather your things and turn in your test,” he said.

She did as she was told. As she walked up the aisle, a hand reached out and pushed a folded note at her.
In this part, you can fix it a little by the formatting. Attach 'She did as she was told' to the previous line so the paragraph won't sound awkward with two consecutive as. Or you could change the 'as she walked up the aisle' part to just remove the 'as' again. And here's another question that vexes us all: Is it up or [i]down[i/] the aisle? I am honestly confused because of this (not because of your work, don't worry. It just came to me.) If you can find the right usage of going 'up' or 'down' something, that could help.


“In three days,” she said. “Martha had a cemetery on her property. She wanted to be buried there.”
Is Martha the grandmother? If so, explain why they call her by her first name and without the 'grandmother' title in it.


“Uncle Chad?” Julia asked. “Yeah, we haven’t seen him since Raya was 9.”

“Isn’t he in England now? With his girlfriend?” Raya asked.

“He’s at the estate now. With his girlfriend,” Mom said. “He was flown over by my mother’s company. He told me-“

“Company?” Raya asked. “Grandma Therisson owned a company?”

“Yes, Raya, let me finish. Chad said that my mother’s lawyers have asked to see all of us, including you children, when they open up the will, so we’ll be in Montana for at least a week. That means you’ll miss a majority of your classes-“
'Chad said that my mother's lawyers...' Don't they share the same mom? Try 'our mom' or 'mom's,' unless you meant to do that to show that Chad's not really that close to their mom.

Try to check the formatting of your dialogue in the future too. It's much easier to read the speaker's emotions, to whom he is speaking to, where he is speaking or what he's doing while speaking; if these all were compressed in the same paragraph.


The entire thing was great, actually. The flow was just right and characterization was good, especially now that it's only the beginning of a longer story. This was an easy read that could hold so much meaning in real life and I salute you to that! *salutes*

It's kind of exciting to see what happens next in this story. :)

I hope this was of help! Good luck with writing this!

-Waltzing (Sybil)




RedMoon says...


It was Mom who was calling the grandmother by her first name. It was kind of meant to show the...trouble between them. I think trouble is the right way.
The next part is smart. I'll change that.
Could you explain the formatting thing a little better? I'm not sure that I understand that part.
Thanks for reviewing!



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Tue Apr 21, 2015 12:07 am
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JoytheBrave wrote a review...



Hey RedMoon,

This is a very compelling start to what I bet is going to be an amazing novel. The way you play with words and get inside a teenage girl's head makes this a very engaging read. I especially love the humor you incorporated into it. :)

My favorite line was, "She was so dead. So very, very dead." This sounded so much like what a high school girl would say. I had to suppress giggles.

I have a few little suggestions for you. "Is mom and dad okay?" This is dialogue so maybe you want Raya's grammar to be a little off to seem more real, but if that wasn't what you were trying to do, "is" should be "are" because it is talking about two people. Also the words "mom" and "dad" should be capitalized because they're being used as names.

"Bruce and Raya just stood to the side. They were a little unsure how to handle this, having never dealt with a death before." Okay, here. Have Julia and Ryan dealt with a death before? How do they know what to do in this situation and their siblings don't? You could say that Bruce and Raya weren't as comfortable dealing with emotions as their siblings or something like that. This change is purely opinion on my part, so change it or not, it's your choice. :)

I'm a little confused as to where Raya falls in age. Is she younger or older than the triplets? It seems like she's younger to me, but this chapter doesn't specify. You don't have to tell the readers at this point, but be sure to slip this detail in later.

This is an awesome piece! I'm waiting to see where the story leads.

~Joy




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Mon Apr 20, 2015 10:01 pm
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kevin25a wrote a review...



This was a really good story, I look forward to your next chapters. Reality stories aren't really my favorite but this was really good, it seems almost real too. I saw nothing wrong with grammar and punctuation, and you put a perfect amount of details into each moment. I did read that right though 5 kids, right? Just got a little confused at times. Did I miss it or did you not say where in Montana? Because I know Las Vegas, Nevada and Montana aren't very far apart. Not even a half day drive, and less than two hours on a plane.

But anyway I really look forward to your next chapters, would love a notification or something when you publish the next chapter.




RedMoon says...


An hour outside of Billings in the mountains. I didn't say, though, so you're okay. And it just seems far away for Raya and the kids. It's kind of a coping mechanism. And yes, there are 5 kids. Thanks for the review!



kevin25a says...


Yeah I know what it's like, I have probably a quarter of the family members I did when I was born. Happy to review, I'm challenging myself to see how many points I can save up. Plus I'm apparently number two at all areas of reviewing on the leader board, so I want to get more in. :)



kevin25a says...


Yeah I know what it's like, I have probably a quarter of the family members I did when I was born. Happy to review, I'm challenging myself to see how many points I can save up. Plus I'm apparently number two at all areas of reviewing on the leader board, so I want to get more in. :)



kevin25a says...


Yeah I know what it's like, I have probably a quarter of the family members I did when I was born. Happy to review, I'm challenging myself to see how many points I can save up. Plus I'm apparently number two at all areas of reviewing on the leader board, so I want to get more in. :)




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