The radio static cracked as a faint sound of music began to play through the old speakers. Knobs and buttons were missing, the metal covered in dust but I somehow managed to get it to work again. Twisting a dial the static began to fade and music filled my small room. Listening closer to the music now I could hear someone singing through the guitars and drumming. The words mentioned something about an angel being evil. But how is that? Angels always seemed so graceful and sweet. At least that’s how they seem in the books I read.
My eyes glanced over to the stack of books on my small desk, in the corner of the room. Some of them were beaten up pretty badly, the spines of the book were growing weak and the pages had been left worn and stains. It surprisingly didn’t bother me though, to me it gave them character, almost like prior to being in this cold white empty room they had their own kind of adventures. It’s funny really how a simple pile of worn out memories could make a blank space feel...I don’t know. It’s that indescribable feeling like you have somewhere to go, somewhere to lose yourself, somewhere your mind can just be free.
The nurses always offered to by me the new electronic books or offer to replace the broken desk that lay in the corner of the room, but I always denied them and would just say “Thanks, but no thanks the desk gives this place character, and the books almost give a sense of adventure. Don’t you think?” Of course none of them actually responded to me, most of them just laugh and walked away. They don't understand though, they laugh and think I'm weird, but I prefer the way that books feel in my hands. I like the way that the paper and binding would feel as I moved across the pages. The way that the old paper would grace the edges of my fingers, feeling so light and fragile would just excite me even more to dive deeper into the story. I loved the way that the binding would crack as I opened up the either freshly made or long aged books. It all added to their character, each book reacted a different way to my fingers, each one would appeal to my senses differently.
I continue to ask the nurses if I could decorate my room. It is just so boring. The room was bare, white walls, white tile floors, white everything. No color, no style, no nothing. The smell of the room and the hallways was of this sterilizer they used which didn’t always have the best odor. Everything has a stale feeling, and the multiple chemicals used to clean the building had a tendency to burn my nose. I haven’t had a breathe of chemical free air in what seemed like forever. My eyes drifted to the window, covered in bars keeping me away from the outside world. Someday I will get out of here. My eyes studied the bars, part of me was hoping that if I stared at them long enough they would eventually just melt away. Unfortunately that hasn’t happened yet, so I just let my mind drift wondering how life outside this building walls actually was.
Suddenly these figures rushed into my room. Before I knew it i had been slammed against the wall. I felt the air rush out of my body. Gasping for air I felt my knees buckle and within seconds I was on the ground. My lip stung, realizing I had bit my lip, I tried to understand what was going on. Opening my eyes once more “Hey! Watch it!” I yelp when I was shoved into the car waiting outside of the building. The moment my feet hit the floor of the van a blindfold was thrown over my eyes. As I clawed up to remove it I was attacked and held down. I felt rope tighten around my wrists and a sharp prick into my right arm. A wave of calmness rush over me and my mind drifted back into darkness.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
The Side Left Behind: Prologue
“…the spines of the book were growing weak and the pages had been left worn and stains.”
I don’t have a major problem with this sentence, it’s just worded a little weird.
How were the pages left? Perhaps you could change it and just say “the pages were worn and stained.” Or something to that extent.
“Thanks, but no thanks the desk gives this place character, and the books almost give a sense of adventure. Don’t you think?”
My only little nitpick for this sentence is the very last part, it sounds a bit choppy, Try to make it flow a little better, you could say “Wouldn’t you agree?” Or even just add the word so to the end, to where it becomes “Don’t you think so?”
“…most of them just laugh and walked away.”
Again this is my nitpicky mindset, but wouldn’t laughed sound better the laugh?
“I like the way that the paper and binding would feel as I moved across the pages.”
You could make this sentence a little smoother, you really don’t need the word “that in there at all, and what are you feeling the pages and binding with? You might combine this with the next sentence, or just completely get rid of it.
“The smell of the room and the hallways was of this sterilizer they used which didn’t always have the best odor.”
You don’t need to be so specific about what smells like sterilizer, couldn’t you just say that the hospital smelt like sterilizer, and then put in the bad odor part?
“My eyes studied the bars, part of me was hoping that if I stared at them long enough they would eventually just melt away.”
Are your eyes part of your body? This is an unnecessary analogy and leaves the read slightly confused. Your idea for the sentence is solid, it just needs a bit of polishing. You could simply say that ‘I studied the bars,” or change it to “I briefly study.” Your eyes are an understood part of you, and you don’t need to clarify that your eyes are what you see with.
“Suddenly these figures rushed into my room.”
Ok, again, you have a solid idea, but it needs to be polished. Elaborate this sentences.
“My lip stung, realizing I had bit my lip,…” Somethings missing from this, again, elaborate a little, describe the feeling of pain, maybe the taste of blood. Make it to where your reader can relate more to it.
‘I tried to understand what was going on. Opening my eyes once more “Hey! Watch it!”’
There’s nothing wrong with these sentences, it’s what is missing between them that’s the problem. Where did they take her? Did she struggle? Would You, have struggled if people just decided to grab you? Put yourself in your characters shoes, what would you have done?
How would you have reacted to the situation?
“A wave of calmness rush over me and my mind drifted back into darkness.” I’m pretty sure that this should be rushed, and again, your character has just been thrown unceremoniously into a van. Make her fight in any way possible. I would scream, why didn’t she try to?
The only other thing I noticed is that you used the word “I” a lot. It’s not a big problem, but try to find ways to talk about your character without saying “I”.
I know that this review may sound harsh, maybe even mean, but it’s meant to help. You have a great story idea, don’t get discouraged by reviews by people like me. It’s just to help you to grow as a writer.
-Terribilis
This was an amazing prologue. I'm extremely curious about what happens next. The only things that I think need tinkering is your grammar and a couple of sentences were a little confusing but besides that I think this was amazing and you should definitely keep writing! I was also confused about the genre. At first it seemed realistic and then it turned fantasy- I think?
Wow. Just wow. I think you should definitely continue writing this. I really want to know what happens next.