Published December 23, 2007
No Prince Charming
When I think of you,
I don’t think “fairy tale come true,”
Because you are so much more than that.
You aren’t my “Knight in shining armor,”
And I’m not your Cinderella.
Our bond is stronger than those clichés.
Who needs Prince Charming,
When you set my heart pounding,
With no more than a word?
This is not “Happy ever After,”
But, through every chapter,
Our love beats forever true.
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I liked this. You expressed yourself beautifully. Firstly,"tale" should be "tales."
I'd omit "those" before "cliches" as I think it makes the line too long. I'd also change "heart goes" to "heart's set," and "but" to "just", as I think it sounds more natural.
I think the last stanza is the weakest. I'd try rewtitting it.
Also, all the inverteded commas started to irk me. I understand why you used them, it just felt a bit like over-kill...I'd take them out. The contempt and skepticsim in the tone is evident without them.
Overall, this was very good, and I enjoyed your sentiments.
This poem made me think of three things, "the Paperbag Princess", "Someone to Watch Over Me", and oddly enough the lyric style of the Dandy Warhols.
This has this sweet confessional kind of tone, v endearing. Fire wants you to change "fairy tale come true", I see, and there is something cumbersome about the phrase but that's intentional, it's playing with Hallmark convention, baby, embrace the post modernist love. Your flow is not silken, it is not shmick, but I think that works to it's advantage, to the verisimilitude of the piece. Yes, that is a good word, verisimilitude, sing it with me now. Your style is perfectly adapted to your concept., and, no doubt to your audience, **reassuring wink**
Okay, initially, like Dreamer, the armor/Cinderella rhyme irked me, but then I realized, hey, you're breaking the mold of your rhyming scheme just the poem is about breaking the mold. Your last line here I'm not overly fond of though, 'bond' is a fairly unimpassioned word, unless it's bondage, but then this doesn't seem like a bondage piece either. Play with the phrasing of it, eh? Sometimes words can surprise you, 'like' for example always seems such a weak word, but then Romeo and Juliet, "looking liking moves' is such a lovely phrase, and it suits that fluttering impalpable breed of young love.
Masculine rhymes are not my friends, they go against your stresses. What am I on about? Masculine rhyme is one syllable, so technically you can get away with this being a masculine rhyme. Charming and pounding but because the stresses of those words are on the roots of them, charm and pound, you weaken the rhyme. But it's not drastic.
Sing it with me now,
"...And though he may not be the man some
Might think of as handsome
to my heart, he carries the key
won't you tell him please to put on some speed
follow my lead
Oh how I need,
Someone to watch over me..."
You're lovely, you are.
Maybe tighten up your book metaphor here, eh? What beats in a book? But other than that it's gorgeous. I'm proud, so should you be.
I liked the rhyming in the first two lines especially. But I think you got too caught up in the structure of this because the stanzas don't really flow into one another. I liked the first stanza because it was like [problem] in the first two lines then [resolution] in the last. This was nice for the first stanza, but in the ones that follow it seems like any tension that was built up in the first two lines was lost or cut off with the last line, especially in the third stanza.
Rhyme scheme:
a, a, b
c, d, e
f, f, g
h, h, g
This stanza sorta breaks the pattern:
Forced rhyme, perhaps? Either way. Breaks the flow, but not enough for me to suggest you change it. It works as it is.
I really liked that last stanza. It flowed very nicely. Keep that one the same?
EDIT: Okay, the change you made works better, glad you changed it.
Hi Reak!!!!
I Think this should be re-worded. It just doesn't sound right to me.I had noticed a rhyming pattern, but this line breaks your pattern, the pattern even continues after this line. And same with this line:
I was wondering if the A was meant to be a capital or if you forgot to meake the E capital or what.
Okay, that is all I could find! Good luck with this poem and I shredded it as much as possible.
Firearris
Nice rhyming poem but I was just wondering about this two lines.
There's nothing wrong about it but since every lines of your poem rhymes it just makes me wonder what happened to the rhymes of these two.