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137,518 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Hi there Razcoon!
Overall, I really liked this. It was sad and beautiful. You have a lovely voice and the tune works really well.
My only nitpick is that "resorting myself to numbing my mind" line. I agree with LosCadaver that it's a bit chunky, even sung. My suggestion might be "but I resort to numbing my mind". I think that would still flow okay.
Overall, not much to say as this is lovely. Just a minor suggestion. Great job and keep writing!
The message is something very realistic and although it's a bit sad, it is written very beautifully. The structure is a bit too poetic for me, but hey this is your song you can do whatever you want with it.
Musically, it's pretty cool. I enjoyed watching it in YouTube.
You have a very beautiful voice! Oh my you are awesome. <3
Keep writing.
Alright time for the teardown.
It has good flow, and a nice-not-so-nice message.
two years later I'm more worn than ever
since I dug myself from the rut
telling myself the land is paradise
when reality's anything but
^^ A good intro to kick it off ^^
all I want is peace (All I want is peace) good.
resorting myself to numbing my mind (instead of numbing my mind) suggested because of the chunkyness
so the rest of me can be
at ease
consider it?
All in all a good song, a bit chunky at times. Small re-works could be helpful, but not a necessity.
Your wording confused me a little. Are you suggesting I change it to "all I want is peace instead of numbing my mind"?
I'm thinking about it. Assuming you've seen the sample video, I'm trying to make "instead of numbing my mind" and I end up dragging out the "instead" and saying the "numbing my mind" part on the same beats as before and it doesn't really work. Were you thinking of any specific way to sing the line that might sound better?
I really like this. Could you give me the chord progressions? Then I could review you both musically and lyrically. I heard this one progression that sounded quite sweet but I can be sure because it was hard to hear them clearly.
Verses: Bm, Am, Dm, Am
Chorus: Em, G, C, (I think this last one is a D7?)
Little endy thing: Em, G, Dm, Am
My ukulele is tuned a half step up for this, though. Thank you so much for your feedback!
*****
This is beautiful, undoubtedly a reflection of the writer. I really think there shouldn't be a minimum on how much or how little I can write because some things leave you with very little to say. As this piece does. Four is a stupid number to be a limit but at least it's an even one.