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140,138 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hello, Razcoon!
I think this is really cute. It's simple, but the nice kind of "simple" that means a lot of people can probably relate to it, which is really good.
I do have a couple of constructive comments for you:
First, I think, in the second stanza, you could change this line,
I won't try
to win your heart
but please let me fight for you
to something else. Either in the second stanza or in the third. Try to add a few more lines to it. Maybe tell them more about what else he deserves, or how he deserves to be happy, I don't know, just to give you some ideas, but it's really up to you.
The melody I honestly think is cute, and quite catchy (it's still ringin' in my head, actually), but I shall agree with alliyah that it lacks a bit of variety, especially since there's no "bridge" or adlib part (but that can be fixed when a very good arranger gets hold of this song, or when the artist plays with the notes). Maybe you could rearrange (not necessarily change everything) some of the notes in the chorus, just to give it a punch. Remember that the main hook should be in the chorus.
Overall I think this is a good song. I believe (as an arranger myself) that it would fit in a few genres, which is a good thing.
Jashaél
P.S. Love the Uku... <3 You made me miss it.
Yeah I might add to it a little. Thanks for the feedback. Do you mind if/when I change it, if I contact you for review?
Hello Razcoon,
I listened to your youtube song, thank you for posting it along with the lyrics. You're very talented!! It seems like you could add more words maybe, but it's nice this length too. The chorus is catchy, but with all the repetion there's not a whole lot of variety.
My favorite lines are:
"please fall away from your demons
I will hold you while you fall"
It's a little vague, exactly what are these demons? and what's he falling away from. But sometimes being a little vague is good because more poeople can relate to it.
And even though it's a song, I appreciate that you posted this without spelling mistakes! Because even though songs aren't meant to be read, it makes it better to review, and makes it seem more thought out.
Great job on your song! And good luck to all your writing in the future!
~allyah~
I was thinking of maybe adding some instrumental somewhere in the middle to make up for the length or something, but I can't think of any more stanzas to add. Also yeah, I don't want to be too specific...even though you don't know the person I'm singing about, it's not my place to tell people about her problems.
Heeeyyy Razcoon,
Great set of lyrics. I was reading them in rhythm, trying to get a beat going. This would be awesome with a awesome music. The lyrics were truly touching and relatable to those fighting for those whom thy love, though it may not be the other way around. The flow was easy to catch and the rhythm was easy to find through the reading. Great and heartwarming poem and I hope to see it on the top 100's list on Amazon or Itunes. I know that you can do it
~Catcha01 <3