[I write out
what I think, so these might not make sense. This idea came to me,
when I see girls that are not being themselves and I want to send
them a message that has been said many times. Even though it doesn’t
seem like it. ‘You should love yourself, because, everyone else
is taken.’ –Oscar Wilde]
The hazy summer heat blasted me in
the face as I exited from the bookshop, shielding my eyes with the
brown paper bag. I watched with an almost disquieting curiosity as a
pack of girls strut pass me in neon-coloured clothes and commercial
bubble gum flavour.
Does it matter what they wear? They
radiated joy, perhaps it is artificial, it is nonetheless, a form of
joy.
And then I see [i]her[/i] An elegant
shadow with flowing ginger hair and a poorly stapled edge. Attached
to the parcel with a thin silver thread, that swayed with refracted
light and blurred lenses.
Sadness, like orange blossom tea
that has no being prepared but has a gentle flavour enveloped me. I
couldn’t help it, I walked swiftly, increasing my stride to
catch up with her, I reached out and tapped her gently on one
shoulder.
She stopped and turned,
[i]snap![/i]Goes the silver thread.
Her eyes, like violet forget-me-nots
were filled with an inscrutable expression that bordered on anger.
“Yes?” She queried
quietly, voice ringing like gentle bells amidst the cacophony of
commotion.
I smiled the slightest quirk of my
lips and turned her gently to face the blue crystalline sky, where
lazy summer wind has twisted ropes of clouds into abstract figures
and shapes. Where, emerald tree tops dappled with sunlight danced to
nature’s rhythm.
The day was picture perfect.
She glanced back; the forget-me-nots
questioned me beseechingly.
[i]Hesitation [/i]
Smiling wider, feeling my own blue
eyes crinkling in corners as I pointed at her and then to the sky,
and back again.
“The weather’s amazing
today, isn’t it? I doubt any rational person would argue with
me, what do you think?”
She nodded a slight bob that made
the wind swept up the ginger curls.
“Good, because the sky
wouldn’t have let anyone said otherwise. She’s a league
of her own, alright.” Several passing girls glanced at me; it
was probably my alto tone, tinted with the slightest Spanish accent.
The forget-me-nots turned to me,
where droplets of dew now brimmed on the edges.
“Thank you.” She smiled,
nodding to me before walking down the street.
The smile of warm, summer air and
acorn leaves.
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140,555 Literary Works • 673,430 Reviews
Amazing! I loved it! It was very detailed and flowy!
Hi there! Lucrezia here to review.
Sadly this is going to be short, because you've given me next to nothing to nitpick. I love the wording in this, it's quite beautiful. The descriptions are lovely. It's really just gorgeous. That's all I can say. You've very much impressed me. ^_^
I saw no misspellings or anything like that. The others have already noted the unusual formatting. I assume this was a stylistic choice? Didn't bother me too much, but it would be easier to read if written in proper paragraph breaks. That said, it's your story, so if you want to leave it as is, fine with me. Honestly it's such a stunning piece that the formatting seems like a rather small thing to nitpick.
The girls in this really stood out for me, because there are so many girls just like that. It's honest in that regard, true to life. If that makes sense . . . which it probably doesn't because I'm babbling now.
Okay, that's all for me. Great work with this! It's breathtaking.
G'Day! How's your life been?
Alright, this is so beautiful in my opinion! I love the tone and the story! The descriptions were just amazing! They painted a picture in my head and that's what I like to see in a story!
Quick thing though. Some of them were a little over done. Also, the type-writing style really makes it hard to read for me.
Other than that, I love it!
See ya!
I really enjoyed this piece! I am in love with the way that you painted the picture that the girls are flowers. It sometimes seems that way with how delicate some girls act, and how colourful some need to wear their petals...
On to the nitpicking:
I really loved the "type-writing" style of this (*cough: courier*). It brought about a sort of artificial tang that this story really needed. I also loved that italics were in code. That adds to the fake feel.
However, some of the sentences are cut off, and they wrap around in a manner that just kills the mood of it. I would suggest that you bring the sentences to their own lines, or cut off when there is a comma only.
My only other thing is the quote. The quote is;
"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." - Oscar Wilde.
I just thought that would be helpful.
Have a wonderful day and keep writing!
This is a nice story. The description of things is so nicely written. You have a real knack for making the smallest things in the world seem beautiful.
I also liked the tone of this piece. It's subtle yet very captivating. Each sentence made me want to read more. I also liked the comparison between the girl to a flower. That was a very.clever thing to do, and it made me realize the measure of this girl's beauty because.you compared her to a flower.
I also liked the sudden breaks you made in the piece, like " hesitation". Another thing I liked was the quote from Oscar Wilde. You really brought that quote to life.
Although I liked the description of this piece, but sometimes I got a little lost and confused by it. The part that jotted my brain was the part about the silver thread. Is the silver thread supposed to be her glasses? I was also a bit confused about the line about them "snapping". I.dont know if you should clear that up.in the story or here, but I'd really like to know what that was.
This is a very nice piece. Good job!
Thank you so much for taking time to read it, ah, the silver thread was probably a bit confusing. So I will clarify it here, what I meant by the silver thread was that invisible link that connected her to those girls and as she turned around, and they didn't look back.
The connection, snapped. But to be completely honest, even I didn't know what I was writing at that time. But, thank you for taking time to read this. I appreciate it greatly. *tips hat*
T hank you!
Wow, I really like this piece of writing you've done here... The story is really well thought through, and I totally get your meaning, especially how you highlighted it at the start with the Oscar Wilde quote.
Right, onto the writing...
I enjoyed your descriptions a lot, you'd set the scene just perfectly with descriptions like:
"blue crystalline sky"
"neon-coloured clothes and commercial bubble gum flavour."
And more!
Suggestions I'd make, though, is to sort out the format it's in, by making it proper lines and not a new line half way through a sentence, and perhaps get rid of the and by clicking "Edit work" and then highlight the text you want in italics and press the italics button above. OR even just "Ctrl i" on the keyboard if you want to get fancy.
I love this piece though, very intriguing and well imagined. Great characters and I love it! No grammar or punctuation errors that I saw... yay!
-CFG
*bows* Thank you greatly, I'm glad you enjoyed this piece. I just had to get that feeling out of me, assuming you know what I mean. Thanks.