A/N: I'm back! Don't know if anyone remembers me, or this story that I've written over 100 times but I'm back again, writing this again. This story has been stuck in my head for too long and it's time that I put pen to paper.
The Garden of Eden
The darkness, it’s everywhere, caging me in like a beast in a pen. My eyes are open, wide - yet all I see is black. I can feel it’s cold hands against my skin, its icy touch reminiscent of Death’s hovering presence. My hands stretched out, desperate to feel warmth or something of comfort but I was met with distress. Withering skin rubbed against my fingers, peeling off as I trailed my fingers lower. Curious, I decided to investigate further but I was pulled back, restrained by a belt that was strapped around my chest. Agitated, I fought back but I couldn’t break free of its ensnaring embrace. I resisted when the sudden sound of crackling resonated against my ears, an increase in heat rising concurrently along with it. It was too late when I realised what it was, the snake’s fiery hand wrapped around my fingers, its venomous bite causing me to emit a obliterating howl as it charred my skin.
Just as I had come to terms with my fate, a small light broke through the darkness as I felt a gentle warmth carry me out of the fire. I wrapped my arms tightly around it, defiant to let go as the smell of apples filled my nostrils, sending me into a fleeting sleep.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hello!
Well this was super short, so I don't have all that much to say.
First of all, I really liked that line about withering skin peeling away. It really gave me the creeps. You actually had a lot of interesting imagery here, but I think the problem for me was some of your choice in words. It made it all just a bit too whimsical, and I kind of got lost in all of the flowery language and it was hard to focus on what was actually happening.
Don't get me wrong, I love some flowery prose, but when everything is a "hovering presence" and an "ensnaring embrace" it just gets a bit jumbled and loss. What I'm trying to say is that when everything's special, nothing's special. I hope that makes sense.
But, I was able to follow along nicely despite that. Plus, I love a good Bible story, so I'm just going to head on over to your chapter two.
This intro wasn't terrible, like I said, I like the descriptions you have here. I would just suggest toning it down a bit - especially with such a short piece like this.
Hope I helped!
Thanks for this. I do creative writing at college and a lot of my peers tell me that I get carried away with metaphorical language to the point that it's hard to understand what's going on. But my teacher always encourages it because it's needed to get the marks on the exam. So i struggle a lot with that. But thanks for the review!
Radrook here for a review/ Please feel free to ignore any suggestion that I offer and that is deemed unhelpful.
It is good to see biblical subjects in the Green Room. Thanks for posting it.
I understand the poem as describing the way that Adam might have felt spiritually after he had sinned. Far from the light of God and clutched tightly by the Satanic coils.
The light I understand as the hope immediately provided as mentioned in Genesis 3 15,
of a Messiah or seed who would destroy Satan and his seed of followers. This hope for the future of mankind's redemption turned out to be Jesus.
I like the monologue as if coming straight from Adam. It provides the statements with authority. After all, who better than Adam himself to describe how he felt?
Suggestion
The poem starts in the present tense and then shifts to the past tense starting with the word "stretched"and remains in past tense for the remainder. I think that remaining in only one tense would be better.
I can feel....= present.
My hands stretched out.... = past.
....[an] obliterating....
What or whom is the howl obliterating or destroying?
concurrently = along with it.
They are identical in meaning and therefore redundant. Only one of the two is needed.
I can feel [its] cold hands....
....my fingers, peeling off as I trailed [them]....
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Thanks for pointing out the change in the tenses, I always get that muddled up! Thanks again