Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
The Snake in the Garden
I awoke to the ever-greeting darkness and the aromatic smell of apples, though to my surprise, the small amber of light still lingered in the distance. Desolated, I reached towards it but instead, I was met with a familiar warmth. As my hands searched its contents, I slowly began to realise its origin. Soft skin, the bridge of a nose and temptrous lips brushed against my curious fingers. Retracting my hands, I shuffled back but my movement was restricted by the silken claws that confined me to the billowing clouds below me. A bed? How? Where am I?
“They say the first thing you see when you wake up is colour. But you can’t see shit, so I guess your inapplicable to that statement.”
Though his voice was mellow, the words that came out of his mouth cut like a knife, an accustomed sensation I’d become familiar with, yet I could do nothing but cry.
“Come now, darling, would you rather me feed you lies?”
“I’d rather be alone,” I snapped.
“But then you wouldn’t know who I was, or why I’m here?”
I wiped away my tears viciously as I forced myself up and sat against the head of the bed. “I don’t care who you are! Just get out!”
A chair creaked as he stood, the alluring smell of apples drifting through the air as he approached the door.
“Give your family my regards when you visit them.” An Edmund-esque poke evoked my interest.
I narrowed my eyes, muddled. “Visit them?”
In the silence I could practically feel him grinning.
“Well, I best be off,” he parted as he opened the door but a beckoning cry from my lips halted him.
“Wait!” I yelled, despair layered in my voice. “What do you know?”
*****
I shook my head at his revelation but how could I deny it, when I held the bitter truth in my hands. The soil of their graves felt like broken glass against my palms, shards of a part of me that they’d taken with them. Tears streamed from my purblind eyes, showering their graves with my unconfined anger. I wish I could’ve seen them one last time, to say goodbye but God refused me even that. Damn him! They were there, in the car with me - I felt her - my mother-
Why me? Why did you have to be so greedy and take them all? Now I have nothing left, nothing but the darkness!
The once comforting warmth that rescued me from Death’s flames wrapped his arms around me, but I pushed him away - I didn’t want comfort, I wanted to feel the pain because it was the only thing that made me feel alive.
“Death may be one of the greatest of all human blessings,” the man quoted. “Maybe that’s what this is - a blessing in disguise.”
I clenched my fists at his retort. “Don’t.”
His warm breath licked against my cold skin. “Or what? What are you going to do? What can you do, blind girl?”
There it was again - the sharp knife cutting my skin, only this time it only brought me pain.
“What do you want from me?” I wailed.
His hand ran through my thick hair, tucking a loose strand behind my ears before placing a gentle hand on my cheek. “I want you to know the truth.”
“I know the truth.”
“You know only what they want you to know.”
My face screwed up, puzzled. “Who’s they? What are you talking about?”
He sniggered. “That’s not how this works, love. I need something in return for my services.”
Hastily, I slapped his hand away from me, confused and afraid. Services. The word sent me into a state of panic, uncertainty, which led me to ask- “Who are you?”
Hesitation ushered in the silence. “Someone - or no one, depending who you ask.” The vigour that was once in his voice dissipated into melancholy, as if my question evoked feelings that he’d kept locked away. “But you can call me, Damon.”
I could sense his hand hovering in the space between us, a gesture of goodwill but how could I trust someone that I barely knew, someone that thus far had only brought me pain.
“Leave me alone,” I warned as I stood to my feet, the enveloping darkness causing me to stagger before I found my balance.
My eyes impaired, I trusted my feet to guide me home - wherever home was.
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Hey RavenBlack! So I just read both chapters of this work and I have got to say that this story is beautifully written and very creative. The idea of a blind main character is something that is both very unique and very difficult for many to grasp and yet you have somewhat mastered the art! The one thing I would say about the main character though is you don't need to constantly mention how she is blind, I feel like, even though she is blind, you can do some show not tell, like have her with a walking stick or a guide dog, have her fidget with her glasses, or even have her talk more about smells, all these things allow better for the reader to grasp her situation and become drawn into her world further.
Also, I have to say that the story is a little confusing. I know it's probably supposed to be and you'll explain it more in the coming chapters, but I'm a little confused on the setting, like, is she in a hospital or is she actually in the Garden of Eden? I'm not sure but either way, make sure to explain that further!
Honestly this story has a lot of potential and I am super excited to see where it goes from here!
Best of Luck!
-thedumbbrunette00
Thanks for the review! I've had this character stuck in my head for a while now and I just had to write it down xD
Thanks for pointing out the confusion that my chapter evoked because I too was thinking 'would anyone be confused of where she is?' because honestly I don't know too xD I think she should be in a hospital though, that sounds more sensible.
Hello again!
First off, I love that we're starting where we left off! Part of me was afraid that chapter one was more of a prologue but thank god!
But I have no idea what's going on... From what I understand, OC was in a car wreck, almost died, but didn't and woke up laying on their parent's grave? And there's a man - the Devil? That's all I can really gather. And I'm seeing now that you're style leans more towards mystery and vagueness, like I said before in your first chapter but, like before, it's all just too hard to follow.
Now, I'm about to go into detail about everything that "rubbed me the wrong way" in this part. I'm not intending to be mean and I don't want you to think that I hate your writing - I am still very interested in your story, and I like your writing style, I just think it needs to be toned down. But, disclaimers aside, I'm just gonna dig in.
I'm not sure what an "amber of light" is. This description makes little sense. I think it would be better to say something like a "speck" of light, or something like that. I'm not trying to re-write your work for you, but something along the lines of "speck" would convey your ideas more appropriately I think.
Again, I don't think "desolated" is the right word to use here. Maybe something like "devastated" would fit better if that's the type of tone you're going for.
Okay, first you say,
but then you say
which confused me because I was under the impression that OC was still strapped down somewhere, but then you say
which switches around again. So OC's not in a bed, they're on a grave? It's all just very confusing and I feel like I'm getting whiplash trying to follow all of these changing situations. My suggestion is to pick one of these scenarios and stick with it throughout. It seems you went with OC being at the grave-site so maybe just cut out or edit the other statements to fit that.
Also, the interaction between OC and Damon was very strange. I know it was supposed to be strange, but it was a bit unrealistic for someone who has just woken up blind, after the death of their parents, to be speaking to some random person so... I don't know... easily? I mean the first thing OC says to Damon is "I'd rather be alone", and, to me, that signifies that OC at least knows Damon a little bit, or knows that someone would be there. Personally, if I'd just woken up and I was blind and some random man was talking to me I'd run the hell away. I'm not saying she should have ran away, but maybe the question of "Who are you?" should have appeared much sooner in the conversation.
I don't know.
I can tell that you have a very firm idea of your story and where you want it to go and all that good stuff, but I don't. I'm only just reading it. This is my first time in your world. Try and take that into consideration when you're writing, that everybody doesn't know what you know.
Man, I'm really not trying to bring you down, and I'm sorry if this is coming across like that. I just really like your plot so far, and I do like your writing whenever it's not jumping from place to place or just confusing. I hope you do post another chapter and I'll be happy to read it when you do.
No no please don't feel bad I love these types of criticisms, I'd rather have harsh reviews than ones that lie. Thanks for pointing some of these out, I don't think that I realise that I'm contradicting myself when I write my chapters.
I was really struggling with how I wanted my OC to react to Damon, I knew that she should be afraid because well one she's blind and his voice doesn't sound familiar. Any ideas of this? Of how I should introduce him? Or where I should start?
Okay! First of all, I just wanna say again that I do really like this story and where it's going lol As for Damon, I think just having her ask "Who are you?" and getting that out of the way before continuing with the same conversation they were having would be better. It was just weird that she didn't even ask him who he was and just started talking to him so casually without questioning anything.
I think the way they were introduced was fine because you did say she recognized some of his facial features when she was touching him. I just think maybe move around the end of their conversation to the beginning, and the the beginning to the end. If that makes sense..
Yeah I think that'll be better, then it would establish a sense of distrust and confusion. Thanks again
No problem! I'm happy if I can help :3