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Young Writers Society



Gardens of Eden (V.2) Chapter Six - Part 2

by RavenBlack


Damon stood bellowed the building Ivy was on. “Ivy, jump!”

  “What about Belial, we can’t just leave her!”

  “She can take of herself!”

  “Not against that she can’t!” Ivy disagreed, her eyes filled with worry. “Help her Damon!”

Damon looked as Belial and Valafar struggled to keep up with the hooded figure. He’d gulped nervously. Part of him wanted to help but the other wanted to stay alive. “I’ll go back and help after I get you home, now jump!”

Ivy nodded then took in a breath of confidence and took a leap of faith. Luckily, Damon caught her and Scruff who jumped after. He took them home, using his ability of super-fast speed to get them there in the nick of time. After making sure that she was safely in the house he left to help Belial or so she thought he did.

Ivy could barely sit down as minutes turned to hours. She was worried; Belial was like a mother to her. She cared for her more than Damon did. All Damon cared for was her soul at the end of the day but Belial she had no agenda. She cooked for her, helped her with homework, and played video games with her. If she died it would be like she lost another member of the family.

After hours had passed, the door knocked. Ivy went to see who it was. “Who is it?”

  “Damon! Open the damn door!”

Swiftly, Ivy swung open the door and gasped horrified to see Belial covered in blood, barely able to stand. “Belial!”

  “Get first aid!” Damon ordered as he carried her inside and placed her on the sofa.

  “First aid? She’s an angel will that even work?”

  “I don’t know but there’s nothing else I can do.”

  “Magic?” Ivy suggested.

  “I’m not an Infernal; I don’t have dark magic,” Damon admitted.

Ivy jerked her head back in disgrace. “What do you mean you don’t have dark magic? I thought-”

  “I’m not like the other demons, Ivy!” Damon said aggravated.

Ivy eyes turned dark. “Then what use are you to me?” Damon’s eyes widen in shock. “They were right about you, you’re weak, useless!”

Damon eyes narrowed in confusion. “What?”

Ivy felt a tug on her sleeve. Belial was awake but barely. “Belial?”

  “It’s no use, let me go,” Belial said, her voice hoarse.

Tears streamed from her eyes. “No! I’m not losing another family member!”

Belial cracked a smile. “It makes me so happy hearing you say that.”

  “Don’t give up on me Belial, please,” Ivy begged.

  “I won’t,” Belial promised.

Ivy returned her focus to Damon. “Do you know the spell?”

  “Yes but I can’t-”

  “Please,” she begged, grabbing his hand.

Damon glowered at her and pulled his hand out of her grip. “Are you begging?”

  “You told me I earned the title of Master and as your Master you’ll obey my every command.”

  “Masters don’t beg,” Damon clarified.

She grabbed his hand, holding it tighter as if she’d break his bones. It was like her touch ignited a surge of power inside of him. Boiling, ready to tip over. “Then I order you Damon to heal her!”

  “Ivy, I-I can’t,” he hesitated.

  “Heal her!” she yelled desperately.

He felt the power explode, filing every inch of his body. It was strong, unusual, but it felt good. Curos. Curos. Curos. The spell filled his head. All he need now was to carry it out. He directed the energy to his right hand; it throbbed in pain as it filled his palm and fingers.

  “Curos!” he bellowed and a beam of dark light spouted out of his palm, shrouding Belial’s body. Ivy watched astonished, she didn’t think he could do it. Damon held his right hand up with his left; the power was like a heavy weight, pulling him down into the sea. As the light covered her, her skin began stitching itself together. Her wounds began to heal till all that was left was dried blood.

Damon retracted the light and collapsed, his body lay out lifelessly on the rug. How? The question filled his thoughts. But that was the least of his worries, his eyes began to shut, Ivy cries drowned out until he was filled in darkness.


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Wed Jun 28, 2017 8:16 pm
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hi Raven. I remember I read a chapter of yours once, but I barely have any knowledge of this story so you can safely assume I'm just jumping in fresh ;)

YES. Belial has gotten better. I was already hoping that she'd be better soon from seeing Ivy's desperation. The development of Damon's magic was fascinating and I just want to tell him, "See, you could do it after all". Overall, you did a great job rooting me with the characters.

The first thing I'd like to ask is: Which PoV are you using? Right now I'm guessing omniscient, but if you actually intended deep third, I wanted to let you know. Majority of the spotlight is on Damon, but here and there are places where Ivy picks up the PoV. Omniscient is actually tricky to execute *well*, but right now I think the omniscient shifts are done well.

Another critique I have is that I wish the characters could have interacted with the setting more. Deepening the setting is NOT all about putting chunks of description; in my opinion, it's seeing characters interact with it. For example,

Ivy paced the wooden floor


and

Damon collapsed on the edge of a rickety chair propped against the wall


I also thought it odd that Belial kind of disappeared when Ivy and Damon started arguing. Maybe if you showed her getting weaker and weaker, that would increase tension and Ivy's desperation to the point that Damon just let his magic out. Which leads me to this point: I think that the tension in the scene needs to upped more in my opinion. I haven't seen an "Oh no, how is she going to survive now?!!!" moment--like she's just about to die and THEN Damon steps in.

Overall, you got me with the characters but I think there needs to be a little more to the tension :) Hope this helped, and ask if you have any questions!

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RavenBlack says...


Thank you for the review. I always seem to have a probably with the POV I'm using and never seem to notice when I change it mid chapter. Thanks again



RavenBlack says...


Oh also, what words do you use in a 3rd person POV. How would I know if I was going off track?



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Wed Jun 28, 2017 5:11 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Ooh, cool. I don't know if I just assumed, but I'm with Ivy: I kind of figured Damon probably had some sort of dark magic, so to hear him say he didn't - wow, she got really heartless in that moment. Then again, she WAS upset about possibly losing Belial. C'mon, Ivy. Damon totally does care about you. He just likes to pretend he doesn't.

I like that it turns out Damon can do this - I'm wondering if we're going to find out he could really do it all along but somehow didn't know it, or if it's just that Ivy's role as Master supersedes his inability to do magic. Like if she commands it, he HAS to do it, so if he can't do it, suddenly he can.

Wouldn't it be super useful if that worked for EVERYTHING?

I know I haven't read every individual chapter of this story, so maybe I missed something. But it was odd to me to see Ivy and Belial so close - I remember Belial being in two chapters I've read, one that last battle one and the other maybe a time when she met in secret with Damon about something. This might be something you decided to do in this version, but in that case just make sure we see it and that it's consistent!

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RavenBlack says...


Thanks for the review. Glad you pointed out some of the key points about Damon and Ivy :-D I decided to change the relationship between Ivy and Belial in this version, I felt like she needed a mother figure after she lost her mother in a car crash.




See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. Ask for no guarantees, ask for no security.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451