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Gardens of Eden (V.2) Chapter Ten : Part 1

by RavenBlack


Saturday 10th September 2016

  “Next time, I won’t let you win!” Ivy vowed.

Adam laughed. He wore a grey CEO fighting game hoodie and sweatpants, his head was covered with a black beanie. His stubbed beard and rugged features suggested that he was older than Ivy, probably in his 20s. “That’s what you say every time and the result is always the same.”

  “Face it, we’re better than you,” Rose interjected. Her and Ivy were wearing flannels but she wore a green one and Ivy donned a black one.

  “Maybe at bowling but never at paintball!” Ivy retorted.

  “You want to test that theory?” Adam challenged.

  “You should be better than you’re brother at everything. I taught you after all,” Luciem said in a soft but harsh tone.

Ivy’s vibrant aura vanished, replaced with a solemn gaze. “Father I-”

Luciem glared at her through the rear view mirror, disappointed, silencing her inexcusable excuses.

  “Come now, Luciem, leave the poor girl alone, it’s just fun and games,” Eva defended, her pearl smile easing the pain of displeasing her father. “I’ll make you chocolate chip cookies when we get home, okay?”

Ivy caught Luciem’s cold stare in the mirror and retracted her smile. “I’m not a child, Mom, I don’t need cookies.”

  “Maybe she wants milk instead,” Adam mocked.

Ivy stretched over Rose and playfully hit Adam. “Stop it!”

The car radio hummed the tune: ‘Dance with the Devil’ by Breaking Benjamin as Ivy bickered with Adam and Rose in the back of the car. Eva and Luciem listened and watched the road in silence.

  “Why this song?” she moaned.

  “I think it suits us very well,” Luciem smirked.

Eva looked cautiously in the mirror at her children teasing each other.

While she was playfully arguing with her siblings, Ivy could hear them speak French, but they spoke gravely.

After a while Rose decided to interrupted them. “What are you talking about, Mom?” Rose asked.

  “Love,” she said in English and leaned over to share a passionate kiss with Luciem. Ivy rolled her eyes in disgust; Adam groaned in protest but Rose cheered them, admiring the love they shared for the other.

Then –

A large truck crashed into their car, the impact sending it flying of the road and into the neighbouring park. Then more cars came crashing on top of them, one after the other, laying waste to the already destroyed vehicle.

Death had its fill this night, but was denied a satisfying meal. The smell of fire whiffed under Ivy’s nose, waking her from her short slumber. She slowly opened her eyes, her vison hazy and inverted. She looked around to see her family’s corpse hanging lifelessly from their seats, her mouth dropped in horror. But there was no time to cry, the fire was slithering towards her.

Hastily, she unfastened her seatbelt and scurried through the broken window. But in an inch of her getting out the fiery snake bit the engine, and the car exploded, flinging Ivy into the air and slamming her into an apple tree.

Her head throbbed but she still belted out an antagonising scream as she watched the fire devour what was left of her family.


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Sun Jul 30, 2017 4:07 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review on Review Day!

Heyo. I didn't realize that you were the one posting this Gardens of Eden novel. I might be thinking of somebody else, though these characters are familiar and I could've sworn I've reviewed one or two of these chapters in the past. I don't remember much anyway so we'll just be going off of what's here, and without further ado, let's jump right in by saying that I'm a little confused by the date. Is this when the novel is currently taking place? Does this need to be at the top of the chapter? Is this a flashback? This is a flood of questions that are mostly because I haven't read the rest, but--I assume that this is a flashback due to there being a date here and this is all written in italics.

Furthermore, this is a fantasy novel and there isn't much fantasy in this chapter, so I'm going to assume this must be before the main character is aware of the fantastical elements of the world or whatever changes in the world (this is my prediction, at least). The tone shifts throughout this chapter. At the beginning this is a bit more lighthearted while in the end there's a sentence that literally says 'death had its fill this night' which threw me off a little bit. It's not that this can't happen, the reader just feels the transition to be a little more sudden instead of gradual. Car crashes are sudden--that's true.

At the same time, I don't feel that I'm reading from the same chapter by the end of this. I also wanted to note that the description for Adam in the beginning of the chapter is a little awkward and info-dumpy. I wanted to see this fleshed out a bit more for the reader to get a little more attached to his character as well as Luciem's before both of them die. I'm assuming that Luciem is for Lucifer and Adam is for...Adam? I don't know how that connects because I haven't read the other chapters.

The dialogue is probably the strongest part of the chapter which is why I wanted to see more of that developed before these characters die off. Make this death have more of an impact as a standalone flashback in a way while also connecting this to the rest of the story. Go from there and this chapter will be more solid and hard-hitting. Keep on writing, Raven!

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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RavenBlack says...


Thanks for the feedback :-)



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Sun Jul 30, 2017 1:58 pm
jamgalloway wrote a review...



Hey, there! I haven't reviewed any of these in awhile so when I saw it in the green room I figured I'd do it.

This was good! I think it was the best I've read from your writing yet. The pacing has especially improved. I'm gonna point out a few things that sound better when slightly changed, but there's really nothing major here.

From this:

He wore a grey CEO fighting game hoodie and sweatpants, his head was covered with a black beanie.

To this:

He wore a grey CEO fighting game hoodie and sweatpants, his head covered with a black beanie.

From this:

Her and Ivy were wearing flannels but she wore a green one and Ivy donned a black one.

To this:

She and Ivy were wearing flannels, but while she wore a green one, Ivy donned a black one.

(Using her in that sentence was actually incorrect, as if you remove Ivy, you wouldn't say, "Her was wearing...")

And this one here just has some grammar errors, so from this:

The car radio hummed the tune: ‘Dance with the Devil’ by Breaking Benjamin...

To this:

The car radio hummed the tune, "Dance with the Devil" by Breaking Benjamin...

Also, side note: I actually know this song! I usually never know songs/movies whenever they're mentioned in books.

From this:

After a while Rose decided to interrupted them.

To this:

After awhile, Rose decided to interrupt them.

(After awhile is an introductory prepositional phrase so it needs a comma after it, and awhile is almost always one word instead of two.)

From this:

Ivy rolled her eyes in disgust; Adam groaned in protest but Rose cheered them, admiring the love they shared for the other.

To this:

Ivy rolled her eyes in disgust while Adam groaned in protest, but Rose cheered them on, admiring the love they shared for each other.

And with the car crash part, I think that could be written a little bit better. Like, how it happened so fast and you just wrote "Then--" to transition into it. Since this is third person, you could write something like this that would sound slightly better:

While this was happening, not one of the five present in the vehicle saw the large truck flying toward their car. It crashed into them, the impact sending it flying over the edge of the road and into the neighboring park...

Something like that. I also think that part could use a lot more description. Within four short paragraphs, not only did they wreck the car and have many other cars pile on top of them, all four of Ivy's family members died while she escaped. So I'd have more description of the wreck, more description of her family in the car, and slow down what happens after they wreck. She went from seeing her family dead to crawling out of a car in two sentences.

And that's about all I have to say! This was a lot better than some of the previous chapters, keep it up! If you need anything or want me to review something else or whatever, just let me know! :)




RavenBlack says...


Thanks for the review! Long time no see/hear? xD This really helps!




Love is all we have, the only way that each can help the other.
— Euripides