IVY
Friday 23th December 2016
A week had pasted since Ivy was captured and put in a cold, gloomy cell in God knows where. But the lack of light indicated that she was underground. The darkness would have frightened her if Scruff hadn’t been with her. She managed to find her unlike Damon, who Ivy hadn’t seen since last week.
But her dog's presence wasn’t strong enough protect her from all the darkness. The whispers in her head would feed on her fear, making her doubt Damon’s abilities and manipulating her thoughts.
Is he even a demon? He couldn’t even get out of the hole? You killed the beast in the sewer! You! He doesn’t deserve your soul.
She hadn’t bathe, or had a change of clothes but the wolves were humane enough to give her food. Surprisingly, it was better than anything she’d ever eaten. It was like something from an expensive restaurant in Paris: Soupe à L'oignon and Crossiants were some of the dishes she was given. Who knew wolves were hospitable.
But through it all, her mind was trouble with the loss of her father’s knife. It had empowered her in stressful situations, made her feel strong, without she felt weak.
Find it, Ivy. Without it you’re nothing. Find it. Find it. Find it!
Valafar, the wolf Damon had taken her to see, often visited. No words were exchanged, just stares and a plate of fancy cuisine. He would study her like a painting, looking for meaning behind the paint. And she would study him and wonder what was behind those golden eyes, pain and anger lingered within them.
Today when he visited, he brought gourmet beef stew and a bowl of boiled chicken. A hunchback opened the barred cell door and gave it to them. The hunchback barely wore any clothes, just torn pants. His back was covered in blisters and pores. He watched amused as Scruff hungrily ate her food but when Scruff caught his eye she growled at him sending him running out afraid.
But he forgot to lock the door.
Ivy looked at her way out. Should she take the risk, she wasn’t shackled? Her plan was put to a stop when Valafar entered the cell, blocking of the exit. Guess I’m staying here a while longer.
She picked up her plate and filled her spoon with the stew, Valafar watched intently as she put it in her mouth. Again she wasn’t disappointed, in fact she was blown away by the tastiness of the dish as it melted in her mouth.
She took another spoonful and another. He looked pleased by her reaction. But she was his prisoner and she wouldn’t allow him the satisfaction of seeing her happy. She put the plate down.
“When are you going to explain to me what’s going on?” Ivy demanded. “Why am I here? Where’s Damon? I demand-” her tantrum was halted when he approached her, sending shivers of horror down her spine. He sniffed her hair filling his nostrils with the sweet smell of her soul. Scruff couldn’t even snarl at her defence like she usual would, she was too frightened.
Then a red furred wolf appeared at the door, Ivy’s heart quickened at the thought that he was here to join the feast. Valafar noticed and walked towards him. He whispered in his ear, all the while his eyes glared at her.
When he left, Valafar's focus returned to her, his golden eyes blazing through her skin. Then he left the cell but her worries intensified when the same golden furred wolves that took her here, entered in his stead.
Ivy shuffled back, cornering herself to the wall. “Where are you taking me?” Ivy demanded but they just growled, beckoning her to the centre. Ivy picked up Scruff and reluctantly obeyed. “Where are you taking me?”
They ran circles around her before disappearing under the smoke.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Keep up the good work
This is a good chapter, but we need to know what Ivy is thinking and feeling a bit more, and I noticed quite a few grammatical errors. I don't understand why she hasn't had a bath or change of clothes, but fancy meals. However, this is actually a very good chapter and I will definitely read the rest. I like the name Valafar, it gives a feeling of true fantasy and adventure. Do keep writing!
Thanks,
Danni x
Thanks for the review. Really appreciate it.
Hi RavenBlack! regis here to review this chapter!
I apologies that I haven't read the other chapters in this novel, but I saw it chilling in the green room so I thought I'd help out and leave a review. Thus, I'll focus more about this chapter than the overall story. So, lets' begin!
There's nothing technically wrong with this, per se, but you could do so much more with this. You could use more than adjectives to describe this. Use similes and metaphors and other such devices to bring more description to the place, and to rise the stakes and set the mood and atmosphere for the chapter. This can't be a very nice place for Ivy, so show it more.
And how does this make her feel? We don't get a lot to emotionally attach us to Ivy in the beginning of this. How does she feel? Show us her emotions and reactions to her situation.
The rests of the description in this paragraph is great (the part describing Ivy as as painting in the wolf's eyes particularly struck me), but this subordinate clause caught me off guard for two main reasons. The first is that it's very cliche to describe emotions in eyes like this, and secondly - eyes don't actually display this much emotion in reality. It's more the things around the eyes, the eyelids and the eyebrows, that portray the emotion. Apart from that, nice job!
This sentence read very woodenly to me, especially in the underlined sections. Amused should have been encased in commas, and the word but just makes the sentence seem a bit basic and bland, like a list.
She's implied to be a high-value prisoner with the high-quality meals. Would they really let a prisoner like this just wander out so carelessly?
Unlike her meal, this description is again a little on the bland side. You can do better - you wrote a really, really great piece of description likening Ivy to a painting whose meaning is being pondered -, so spend a little more time on your descriptions to clean up your writing.
We don't get much of an emotional run-up to this outburst. It goes from a description of her eating, to her suddenly being outraged and in the throes of a temper tantrum with little explanation of what she might be feeling.
In general, you need to work on your sentence structure, especially with spicing it up a little with short sentences, complex sentences, and sentences that sound less like lists and more like engaging narrative. There are just little bits of this that stood out to me as needing a little more work to improve the flow and quality of the writing. I'd also recommend trying to enhance your descriptions with something other than just adjectives and idioms.
You need a bigger emotional connection with Ivy. The reader has to be able to understand, engage with, and feel exactly what she's feeling. This will make your writing heaps and heaps more easy to get into and enjoy (not that it isn't enjoyable now - it definitely is, especially with a cool idea like this. Just looking for improvements!). I just felt at times that I didn't understand her reasons behind things and that I didn't know how she was feeling.
I hope this review was helpful and not too harsh! If you have any questions, just ask : )
-regis
Thanks for the review I really needed this! Thanks for the help.
: )