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Young Writers Society


Violence

Gardens of Eden (V.2) Chapter Six - Part 1

by RavenBlack


IVY

Friday 23th December 2016

  “What are we doing here?” Ivy asked. The wolves had transported her to the roof overlooking Gardens of Eden. It was everything the name implied. The skyscraper was as tall as the sky, threatening to pierce the barrier between heaven and earth. The modern Tower of Babel.

Everyone knew the name of this famous building, not only for its defining height but because it was a large firm that specialised in almost every market. Everyone desired it, everyone wished to take a bite from its tree of knowledge.

The wolves kept silent. It annoyed her to not know anything, to be kept in the dark. Sebastian, one of her family’s murders was part of this company. Maybe that’s why they were here, to find out more.

She surveyed the area, it was quiet and the streets were lit by streetlamps and the moonlight. The stars stood still this evening, curiously awaiting the event. Then a large pack of wolves lurked out of the shadows, covering the area; they were accompanied by Belial and Damon.

She barely recognised Belial at first; she was in a light black, metallic suit of armour and she twirled two katanas in her hands. Ivy had never seen her wield a weapon other than a kitchen knife and wooden spoon; it was scary to know she had a different side to her. Damon was in his usual uniform, black trench coat, turtleneck jumper and pants. A stern look plastered his face.

What was happening? A pack of wolves, Belial in armour and Damon for the first time was being serious. Something seemed off. It was as if they were marching to battle.

Valafar lead them up the stairs and into the building and after letting everyone go in before him, he looked up at the roof she was on and the two wolves next to her bowed, then he went inside.

At first it was silent. Ivy awkwardly tapped her feet waiting for something to happen. Scruff watched intensely, this was the first time Ivy had ever seen her so attentive.

Then screams bellowed from the building, to know that people were suffering brought a smile to her face. Revenge for her family was at hand. Suddenly, a beam of light lit up the skyscraper making it appear as a beacon. Silence once again took over but it was an eerie silence.

Ivy looked at the lower levels of the building, where the source of light was transmitting from. It was hard to see what it was that was radiating the light but she could make out a figure.

Then the chorus of screams started again but this time it was ghastly howls. The wolves next to her watched apprehensively, even though they had kept her locked away Ivy couldn’t help but worry for them. Was that Valafar’s pack screaming?

The beam of light dashed around the building, followed again by howls and cries of panic.

All of a sudden, wolves starting running out of the building, horror written over their faces. Ivy’s eyes darted over them. Where’s Damon and Belial? Her mind was put at ease when they followed shortly after but Belial was occupied. She was fighting a hooded figure with the help of Valafar as the others retreated. Damon was among them.

Coward. The whispers snarled. Coward.

The hooded figure wore white robes and their face was hidden with a white mask that only revealed their eyes. The mask was engraved with golden archaic runes. A glow of light shrouded them, and they carried a ringed blade in their hand.

Then the hooded figure hit them so hard they flew the air, landing hard on their backs. Belial and Valafar groaned as they tried to get up. They watched terror-stricken as the hooded figure dragged their feet towards them, their body lifeless like a puppet.

Valafar helped Belial to her feet, a kind gesture she wasn’t expecting from his kind. But the hooded figure was impatient to wait. They threw their ringed blade at Belial, slicing through the air before making contact with her katanas. She struggled to deflect it as it kept spinning, sparks flying, pushing her back, her feet digging into the ground.

Valafar took this chance to attack the mysterious foe. He charged at them, fire ignited his body as he ran. The fire was under his power, submissive to his will. The hooded figure evaded his attack easily, stepping to the side. He twirled around; this time he didn’t waste time charging. Opening his jaws, he released a pillar of fire but that also missed.

The hooded figure launched into the sky and raised their hand, summoning their ring blade to them. Free from the blade’s pressure Belial collapsed to her knees exhausted. Valafar directed the fire upwards, at the hooded enemy. But they were smarter than he anticipated.

They spun the ringed blade around their wrist, creating a strong force of wind as it spun faster and faster. The beam of fire refused to hit them, instead the wind forced it to change course. Valafar’s eyes widened when he realised he was the target. His own flames were no longer under his influence but there’s.

He watched in shock has the fire spiralled towards him. But at the last minute he felt himself being pushed away. It was Belial. She had come to his aid.

She crossed her katanas, forming an ‘x’ which caused a small white light to shield her.

  “Get out of here! Help your pack!” she yelled. Valafar watched dumbfounded as she struggled to maintain the shield. He’d always hate her kind; their history had not always been good.

  “Don’t tell me what to do,” he growled as he got back up. The fire had been dried out and the hooded person had returned to the ground.

Belial fused her katanas together to form a bow and a quiver of black arrows appeared on her back. Valafar distinguished the flames around his body; they proved useless in this set up. She notched two arrows and pulled back before firing as he charged at their opponent.


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Mon Jun 26, 2017 5:02 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey, I'm really sorry about the fact that I haven't read any of the other chapters but I'm here for the After Watch, trying to keep the Green Room clear in the days after Review Day.

Nit-picks and nice moments:

one of her family’s murderers


The wolves next to her watched apprehensively, even though they had kept her locked away Ivy couldn’t help but worry for them.

This should be two separate sentences.

Her mind was put at ease when they followed shortly after but Belial was occupied.

I think it would be even more tense if you put a comma before "but".

Free from the blade’s pressure Belial collapsed to her knees exhausted.

There should definitely be a comma before "exhausted".

His own flames were no longer under his influence but there’s.

I think that's meant to be "theirs" if the sentence means what I think it means.

Overall:

The first thing that jumps out at me is that this chapter seems to start off in third person limited, with lots of that character's thoughts and feelings. I feels quite strange then when by the end of the chapter you've described the thoughts of three different characters. Maybe omniscient is what you've been going for throughout, but if that is the case then you should know that the first part of this chapter feels like limited perspective. However, in the latter half of the chapter, you switch between Valafar and Belial smoothly, doing omniscient well.

The first character that is described has interested fear going on and you have the tension going really well during that time. I do kind of lost track of that person during the fight sequence though and it would make the chapter feel more rounded if you could briefly bring it back round to that character before the end.

The pacing and action were just the right amount of intense however, so good job!

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




RavenBlack says...


Thanks for the review. I thought the action wouldn't work, glad yo liked it. I am not usually good at writing action scenes but it seems to have worked this time. xD



ExOmelas says...


You're welcome :)



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Mon Jun 26, 2017 4:56 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Omg this part

Valafar helped Belial to her feet, a kind gesture she wasn’t expecting from his kind...

“Get out of here! Help your pack!” she yelled. Valafar watched dumbfounded as she struggled to maintain the shield. He’d always hate her kind; their history had not always been good.

“Don’t tell me what to do,” he growled as he got back up. The fire had been dried out and the hooded person had returned to the ground.


It just feels like the beginning of a beautiful, sassy friendship.

I like the fact that in this chapter we finally get to see some real ACTION. Wow, like a whole battle. I mean, not that I don't enjoy just reading about Damon sassing Ivy around - that's always fun. But I'd expect a story about demons and hellspawn and murder and revenge to have a fight scene once in a while, and here we've finally got it. I loved the interactions between Belial and Valafar.

On that note, however, watch out for your viewpoints! This scene started off in Ivy's viewpoint but then forgot about her starting about here.

Coward. The whispers snarled. Coward.

The hooded figure wore white robes and their face was hidden with a white mask that only revealed their eyes. The mask was engraved with golden archaic runes. A glow of light shrouded them, and they carried a ringed blade in their hand.


At that point, we kind of switched between Belial and Valafar. If you want to write from multiple viewpoints, that's fine! But in that case, be consistent about it - either by writing from an omniscient viewpoint that always lets us know what everyone's thinking, or a better way to do it is to use scene breaks to switch characters. Then you just have to make sure each scene is consistently from one character's perspective, but you can keep changing which character it is.

Image




RavenBlack says...


Thanks so much for the review. I really enjoyed writing this chapter because of the action and Belial and Valafar. Thanks for pointing out the viewpoint problem I keep forgetting about keeping it consistent. Thanks again :-D




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