Young Writers Society

Hi Raven16,

I'm very thrilled to leave you a review!
Let's start right away!

So, I really love the fact that you're writing about a goddess that's going on earth and writing in a diary! I love magic!

You're starting off with a very engaging beginning and it makes readers want to read on. That's great, because I've often read stories were the beginning wasn't as gripping as yours. And I got bored so I would quit them, but your story on the other hand is very engaging, interesting with a lovely twist of magic in there.

About Cloudburst: I am very impressed that you created your own world! And the name; it's just wow! I don't even have words enough to describe it. Just wonderful. From reading parts of her diary I know that Cloudburst is a rather mystical place and is some sort of safely heaven.

You keep releasing small pieces of Angie's backstory and not everything in one blowoff. That's good and keeps the reader engaged and wanting to read on.

I can also read that Angie was not very happy up there, but that she likes it more on earth. She seems more calm and graceful on earth. She thinks she is more like a girl in her classroom named Katie. That's good, because that way readers can find similarities to the characters and themself maybe and that makes it easier to connect with the characters; to feel that Angie feels and to think what Angie thinks (correct me if i'm wrong)

Your writing is very impressive! I loved reading this story! Keep up the great work, I hope to read more from you soon!

If you could read & review my story: "MaryAnna" also. I would be very thrilled!

Ps: Love the name Raven16 (makes me think of a badass girl from the netflix serie: the 100)

- Rinisha

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this was a lovely little piece here. You've packed in quite a surprising amount to what's a pretty short piece here and honestly it just leaves me wanting to know so much more because it feels like there is a lot here that we aren't seeing.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Day 1: Since leaving Cloudburst I felt alive and free, all my worries drifted away like a warm summer breeze. Exploring the world I had created was a pleasure, to see what impact I had upon the universe was a magical experience. I'd arrived in a small community, everyone knew one another, it reminded me of the community I'd built in Cloudburst. I believed leaving Soven to rule Cloudburst would be a good idea for the people of the kingdom. I'd acquired the local currency of this planet, which I used to buy a small home in the corner of the town. I couldn't wait to meet this new community which I created from sitting up on my throne. I'd only recently got off the medication which kept my youth in check, I'd finally decided I'd go to an educational setting to learn what the world is all about, I started tomorrow.

Day 2: It was my first day in this school, that was what they called it. Education was a big thing on cloudburst only to be learning the elemental side of the world, but it seemed in this world you learnt many more things which became useful later as you grow up. Coming to a new place wasn't scary for me I've always been outgoing and brave just as Kat was, I was very similar to Kat in my personality and the way I lead a group, entering this school was a whole new experience, I never went through education that they had on this planet and I was so excited to learn so many new things.

Day 3: My transition into an educational environment has been a bit different, usually I'm in a palace of glory and elegance but this was different. Usually the people around me wear fancy gowns and crowns, but in this world we wear common blazers and ties and follow strict rules. Making friends is tough, usually I'm surrounded by people praising me for my every word but in this world I'm merely a stranger in the ever-growing world. When people met me they called me a smart girl, I used words that they had never heard and had an elegant tone to my voice, my voice slowly changed over time adapting to the new environment.

Hey there, welcome to the site! Lim here to leave a little comment. It looks like Angie is starting a new phase of her life and is experiencing quite a drastic change. I wonder what kind of trouble she might run into in this story. Was the world that Angie created given a name here? I was a bit confused on whether she is going to school in Soven, or some other place. Anyhow, I like the idea of a ruler going to their own planet to attend school - I think that's a concept that could go in many interesting directions. The diary format is also pretty well-used here. The quick pace it gives is good for an introduction that brings readers into the story.

Heya Raven16,

Welcome to YWS! I see you joined relatively recently, so please feel free to ask me or any other moderator (anyone with a green username) and questions you may have! I saw this nice little short story you posted and enjoyed reading it, so figured I would leave you a little review on it.

I like the casual tone this takes. It feels like it gives a decent little window into seeing a snippet of your protagonist's personality without explicitly laying it out for us. In particular, day 1 makes me think that your narrator is likely a monarch/sovereign of some kind since they were able to afford a new home in a new place straight out of the gates and also since you mentioned the "throne" so I assume it's more than just being from a wealthy family. So, I'm actually really intrigued why a ruler would be moving to a new town.

As we head into day two, I think you do a really nice job setting up intrigue. Why is she going to school? What is the elemental side -- is she some sort of magician? Why don't they have traditional education where she's from? It does, however, raise the question in my mind about how old she is. And honestly, I don't know. Is she a teenager? If so, that's a whole host of other questions about why she was able to buy a house. Did she come alone? Why? Where are her parents? And if she's an adult, then why is she in school? Is she learning alongside children? How did she manage to rule without a formal education?

Also, who is Kat? I feel like we need a bit more context there because I have no idea she Kat is. So saying the narrator is similar to Kat doesn't really mean anything to me tbh.

Day three further confirms that the narrator is royalty of some sort, though continues to imply that she's young so probably not the ruler. Perhaps the monarch's child that got sent off for an education? If so, does she not have a handler or security team of some sort? Also, it feels a bit odd to say "my voice slowly changed over time" since this is only the third entry, you know? I wouldn't say anything that happened in 3 days is really a "slow change over time" -- but that could just be my opinion!

Overall, I think this is an intriguing premise and a decent start to a story! I would want to see more real-time interactions if you plan to continue this story rather than strictly diary entries moving forward, but I think this did a really nice job of setting up interest in Angie and her new situation. You've sparked a lot of questions about who she is and where she's from and where she is now and why. I am interested to know more about her situation and therefore I think this is an effective hook!

Let me know if you have any questions or if you had something specific you wanted feedback on that I didn't address.

Keep writing!
~Shady