“Good morning girls! My name is J.C. and I am going to be working with you for the next few weeks. I can guarantee that some of you don’t want to be here talking with the group and I, but please give it a try. You might be surprised. I have been helping people of all ages with their conditions for as long as I can remember. Try to keep an open mind and remember that you are free to say whatever you wish. There is no judging here. We are all loved and special, no matter what.” Delilah sat back in her chair in the group circle. She was already counting down the minutes until she could leave. She had heard J.C.’s speech before in three other support groups. That’s right; she had been in three different groups in as many months. Everywhere she went, she felt alone due to her rare condition. None of the so called “experienced” doctors knew what to do with her. Every time was the same. After only a few sessions the doctor would call her mom and say, “Delilah is a wonderful girl, but I don’t think this group is the right fit for her. My colleague runs a support group and would be able to help her more. Please give him a call.” She started daydreaming about anything and everything so she wouldn’t have to listen to the rest of J.C’s stupid speech. “Delilah? Delilah?” J.C.’s voice brought her back to Earth. “Yes?” she responded. She hoped he could hear from her tone of voice that she was not about to start talking about her problems. “I was hoping that you could introduce yourself to the group,” he said, oblivious to her irritation. She rolled her eyes. “Fine. My name’s Delilah Jacobs. I’m sixteen and only here because I have to be.” Some of the other girls were in shock at Delilah’s blunt response. J.C. was still not fazed. “Why do you have to be here?” Delilah just looked at him. His “concern” was pathetic. She was about to get up and just leave, but knew her mother would only send her right back. She sighed, sorted through her mentality, and applied her steel poker face that she had perfected over the years. “My mom didn’t give me a choice. She says that talking to people about my problems is the only way for me to get better.” “And what do you think about that?” “I think she’s insane. Talking to people isn’t going to anything but waste my time and yours.” “What makes you think that you’re wasting my time?” She snorted. “Oh please. I’ve been to three different support groups already and dealt with three different doctors. You’re all the same. You’re only here because it’s part of your job. You don’t really care about me or anyone else here. So stop pretending like you do because you’re not fooling anyone.” The other girls audibly gasped. J.C. sighed and looked like her words had physically cut into him. “I’m sorry that you don’t think I care because I do. This is not a job for me, I don't get a salary. I volunteer to do this, to help people. You are probably right, those other doctors didn’t care, but I do. Will you give me the chance to prove it to you? Everyone deserves chance.” Delilah shrugged. This man was out of his mind if he thought she was going to trust him. J.C. started talking again. “I will do everything I can to help you, and everyone else here, but I can’t help you if you don’t let me. I can’t help if you’re not willing to receive the help.” Delilah was struck by his response. She didn’t know how to respond. “For me to begin to help you, I need for you to tell me why you’re here. Can you do that for me?” The words came before Delilah could stop them. “I have Adam and Eve Syndrome.” No. She did not just say that out loud. She felt the steel of her poker face shift, ever so slightly. No! She fought to hold the mask upright. “Could you explain to us what it is?” Delilah could feel the steel mask dripping onto her hands, melting, as she tried to keep it steady, but it was all in vain. Drip, drip, drip. “Everything thing is always my fault. Everything. Anything that happens that goes wrong, I always feel like I’m the one to blame. I hate it! Having to carry all the feeling of blame around on my shoulders! It’s not fair!” She paused briefly to look up, and couldn’t believe it. J.C., and the other girls, were actually listening, like they actually cared. Whether they actually cared or not, she couldn’t have stopped the flood of words if she wanted to. The steel was getting hotter, slipperier, with every word out of her mouth. “Every doctor I go to thinks I’m crazy. One was convinced that I had to go to a mental hospital. My mom doesn’t know what to do either, so she sticks me into support groups hoping it will help, but it doesn’t! She doesn’t get it. She thinks it’s so annoying when I always blame myself, especially when whatever happened was an accident. She thinks I’m some kind of freak! Everyone thinks I’m a freak as soon as they hear that I have a problem. I get so angry and hurt that I stop talking to people completely. It’s not like I have anyone to talk to anyway. I even felt like an outcast in other support groups because all the other kids had “common” problems, “treatable” problems. I was a freak in a room of freaks!”
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141,360 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
this story frankly speaking great start
See firstly the guy seems a little but feminine,
and the girl telling the guy her problems seems to rushed.
why I'm telling you this is because, her character seems like an adament brat and if you make what she says come out so naturally it kinda blows her character out of proportion.
so I guess you'll need to work on character devolopment.
other than that it seems good and you know what I think I will follow this series.
it sounds interesting.
be sure to check out simply simplicity my story
adelina
Alright, I was intrigued by the synopsis of the story. I've never read about a support group before and hearing from different girls in their different points is very intriguing to me.
Good luck! This could be really great.
However, the first thing I noticed when I clicked on the new tab was a big block of text--and I honestly almost just exited out of the entire thing. A big block of text is intimidating, it doesn't break up the dialogue or the storyline. It hurries along the flow. It gives the reader no break. When you read a book, there is always a new paragraph when someone speaks, when a new idea is introduced, when a new person is introduced. It is good to remember that breaking these things up like that can seriously help your reader to follow along and appreciate your story. It also helps keep the characters separated.
Another thing is how fast Delilah spills everything--now, I understand you want this group to be different. You want to show that she's going to be making some progress here, that, because this group is a volunteer group, it has more emotional ties to it. That's fantastic! However, as a person with her own disabilities, things don't happen that easily. For someone who starts off as hostile as Delilah is, I can't see her just spilling after someone, or a few someones, give her a sympathetic ear and gaze. I would imagine Delilah instead starting to spill, being surprised by it, and then completely shutting down again and refusing to speak. Someone who has no faith in the system would be more mocking toward J.C. and his efforts to help her. I believe, if you want your readers to identify more with your character, that a little more resistance is required.
That being said, I really, extremely, absolutely enjoyed reading about her metal mask melting off. That is a superb description and the way you describe her surprise along with the swiftness of the steel 'melting' is perfect. You can absolutely still have that feeling, by the way, without her divulging much more information.
In all, it's a good start. It's rough, but there's a certain amount of beauty in rough works. It just means that it's possible to go back over it until it's perfect.
Two things before I begin the review proper.
If you're putting this here to emulate the notices you see at the beginnings of published works and certain tv shows/movies, it is unnecessary. It's usually because they want to avoid stupid legal hassles. This work is unpublished, so I don't think you really need to worry about offending anyone.
Secondly, I know you mention it here so I want to say something about the illnesses. There's really no reason for you to make up illnesses. All of the ones I've seen that address mental health use real illnesses; sometimes they mention them, sometimes they don't. You can even take the latter route and not even mention what their illnesses are. If you ever read Silver Linings Playbook, it's a great novel where the two main characters are mentally ill, but they don't ever make mention of what those illnesses are.
Second thing. Please start a new paragraph every time a new person speaks or you go to a new thought or idea. It makes things a lot more pleasant and easy to read.
Now, for your review proper. This isn't a bad start! I'm kind of intrigued to see where you take it. I like the character of the support group leader, although for some reason until you specified gender I thought it was a girl. Delilah also seems like a nice enough person, and I have a feeling there's more to her than what's been let on in this first part.
The other girls feel somewhat bland and lifeless. Even if you're planning on characterizing some of them later, right now it sort of all feels as though they act as one. Maybe have a few speak out, so they're more like characters and less of a chorus.
I would also like to see a little more imagery; give us a sense of what the place that they're in is like.
Overall, this a pretty good start. I hope this helps. Feel free to shoot me a PM if you have any questions or when you post the next part of this.