Okay, so I usually don't really bother with poetry much - I'm more of a novel/essay/narrative writer - but I thought I'd give it a try. It was fun doing something new, although I don't think I'm wired much like a poet, but I might do some more in the future.
So basically, this is my first real poem, so any suggestions would be really helpful and appreciated.
As the highways hurtles past me,
My thoughts soft as a lamb’s,
I, vaguely, idly wondering,
Write the words “I am:”
Then I stop in horror,
As a word does not come forth.
What word or title names me?
What remark declares my worth?
I aim to be myself,
Despite what others ask,
But what if I have failed
To remove my inner mask?
Who am I? I wonder,
And no single term rings true,
How could I ever be myself,
If this phrase I don’t pursue?
“Are you the heroes you act like?”
A voice asks, mocking me.
“Perhaps the knight in armor,
You laughingly try to be?”
“Yes,” a new voice answers,
Startling in its pride.
“Maybe that is the answer,
When I ask, ‘Who am I?’
“Perhaps we are who we honor,
And like those in whom we believe,
Perhaps that is a reflection,
Of whom we aim to be.
“And so, who are we, really,
If not whomever we want?
Once we choose our own behavior,
We choose the uniqueness we flaunt.”
So I can be a knight in armor,
Or a tiger fighting wild,
Perhaps I’m a lone ranger,
Or an innocent, lovely child.
Maybe I could be a dragon,
Soaring noble and free,
But I know whoever I choose for the time,
Is whomever for then I shall be.
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I started reading this because your other poem fascinated me.
), if you write to express your emotions then this is an excellent piece.
Again, I'm in love with the theme. It's remarkable, how you capture the essence of the theme and express it perfectly. Though the rhyme scheme isn't working and the words could be better (again
"Perhaps we are who we honor,
And like those in whom we believe,
Perhaps that is a reflection,
Of whom we aim to be."
the thought behind this is lovely, so well done and keep writing!!
Interesting
I am <3
For a writer who writes poems for the first time, I'm quite impressed.
Well done! ^^
The starting was pretty good.
And then it came down to thoughts. I think you should have done a little narration since it's a 'Narrative Poetry'.
I like it. But I think a little more of work could be good ^^
Giving this a 8/10.
Keep it Up!
Cheers and Love,
Cookie
Or
LM
P.S: Wall Post me when you have new poems? :')
It's a start- and a very respectable one at that.
I might be a bit arrogant seeming in this review- but remember my main field is poetry- and I'm sure you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.
Well- For starters- it's lyric, not narrative, poetry- and I don't think it's bad at all.
Your problem was, that like many people coming from the field of prose- you have no idea how to truly express emotion(yes, I might be patronizing as well)- from my experience, the emotion one expresses in prose- if any- is described clearly and as detailed as possible, prose is about telling a story- poetry isn't- it's about making your feelings appear in the page, which is by the way, exactly the reason people like me, who come from the poetry side- has a very hard time writing prose, I know I never really remember to describe properly- as I'm just not used to that- so it works both ways.
Your poem was raw, true, and a bit childish. but it was also a poem, not just empty rhymes- so I think you should pursue the field of poetry- it's fun- and doesn't take so much time.
What I felt your poem needs- aside from nitpicks I'm honestly to lazy to make- was experience, so keep writing poetry.
SubjectBlue
P.S. Yes- I am aware of the fact most of this review was just a lecture about poetry and prose, deal with it
I enjoyed reading this poem. I like how you question what defines who you are. You rhyme scheme is good, as well as your flow. The story is also nice and clear.
My thoughts comma soft as a lamb's. or My thoughts as soft as a lamb's would have worked better.Though my only nitpic is the second line
Other than that, a marvellous poem with good detail and effect. For someone who doesn't write poetry that much, you're not too bad.
I think about the I am thing all the time... I'll be like, "Who am I? I am, but I am what?" It's an interesting topic.
The more poetry you write, the better you get. I hope I helped at least some.
I like the idea a lot, but I think you were groping for a way to explain it with rhymes. It's like you had the right word but then used it's second cousin just for the sake of making a rhyme. I thank Mark Twain for those wise words. I've read a lot of your work and you nearly always know the exact word to describe something. Your descriptions are amazing and spot on all the time. But then you confine yourself in a cage because you rhyme. I don't know. It's hard to explain. The trouble about rhyming is, once you decide you want to, you can't stop. You've put up a fence around yourself and you can't get over it unless you tear it down. And let's face it, that is a lot of hard work.
Were your thoughts really like a lamb's? It's okay to be poetic and all, but is lamb your first choice? Probably not. Is that how you wanted to describe it? I think it would be very interesting to see this posted, but without rhymes. But then again, your rhyming adds to the old fashioned way of wording your sentences. Like you compared yourself with a dragon and a knight... It's all old age-ish. I guess it's personal preference though.
There were some awkward spots and confusing verses. This is, I'm assuming, your first serious poem. It's okay for a first. Just so you know, this is probably my second time reviewing poetry (even though I've posted a lot of it).
Your first verse really confused me. I thought, "Wait a minute. Ranger51 can't drive yet. Why is she driving???" And then I momentarily freaked out and decided that you were beside a highway and because there were so many cars that it looked like the highway was moving instead of the cars (I'm a weirdo! Let's face it!)... Finally I decided my thoughts were baloney and just read it through. And then I released a breath of relief when I opened the spoiler. Some clarification in the beginning would be nice, but I'm not sure how you would do that...
I'm not sure if you need imagery but if you could find a way to add that, that'd be wonderful. I think. I'm actually unsure about this. If you could find a way how to explain how you felt about the mocking voice that would add some depth to your poem I believe. I'm sorry if I don't make sense.
I actually like the meaning of the poem a lot. I loved how you described what you could be. It was different but in a good way. Keep writing!
Very interesting, but a few parts seem a bit out of place. However, I like the idea.
It's allright. Some parts need revision because you tried to make it rhyme and it didn't quite make sence, but overall, nice job. The stanza:
“Are you the heroes you act like?”
A voice asks, mocking me.
“Perhaps the knight in armor,
You laughingly try to be?”
Bothers me the most. I understand what you meant, but you might want to revise your wording, laughingly, doesn't sound right, maybe ludicrously or ridiculously. And the line:
My thoughts soft as a lamb's,
didn't quite make sence to me. It doesn't make sence in the context, and perhaps you meant:
My thoughts as soft as a lamb's,
I don't know, but I like the idea. Cute.