I Declare War

Overall I think you captured the beat very well. You have a good ear for rhyme and I like that you really emphasized the two lines by not having rhyme all the way through. Those being: "I have no peace." in stanza 7, which doesn't rhyme with me, and back with that, in stanza 8 with "wind" and "it." I think it is stronger to do it with "I have no peace" because that is really a powerful statement to make.

Now things you could improve. Overall I don't really feel the connection to this poem because although it is an interesting little tune, it doesn't really go into any specifics. Basically it's missing the more figurative language that most poems are expected to have. You do have figurative language, don't get me wrong. "chains to uncoil" being the servitude and lack of freedom that your character has due to this lack of friendship, or ability to have friendship, is very figurative, but it's also something which is a pretty common metaphor for social insecurities. What I'm more going to point at is the times when you say things like "I live morose" and "they saw and jeered" Sure, we know that they made fun of the narrator, and that they were socially bullying the narrator, but you can improve by saying things like: they plucked me dead. This would follow with the bird metaphor, but also keep with the visual representation of this social injustice. Finding a way to visually show these things, like instead of "I won't imprison me anymore" something like 'I unlock my self made door!' you're going to have a stronger poem that we could actually illustrate in our heads.

As a summary, take out language which doesn't create a visual to improve on the poem. It might get kind of tricky, but try to stay with the same metaphor all the way through. You've got a good sing-songy poem here which makes it sound sort of childish and nice, juxtaposed with the morose topic and that's a good thing to explore and understand. You would probably do very well with structured poems. http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/sonnet.html

Well done!! This is a very well written poem, the flow isn't quite right in certain places but I'm willing to ignore all that for the theme. I love your theme especially because I know and understand the exact feelings that have been described.

"So I built a cage, my thoughts and me,
Of steel and insecurity.
And nothing should ever enter in,
To hurt me, injure me again."

Again, from the poem perspective, the flow and description could have been better, the words could have been better. But from the thought perspective, I congratulate you on being able to express this. Everyone feels this way some time or the other, I guess even you have written this from personal experience. Good job and keep writing!!

Wow, this is very well written poem. This poem shows what war or any type of controversy can be like from a country that is only neutral and observes. It is well done, and I loved the poem. I love the reference to Greek Mythology with the line "An Achilles heel, an unwanted tail." That just goes to show that even the biggest people/countries have a weakness- one just has to find it. I see nothing that really needs fixed, as this is already well done. So this is where I will say my farewells.

~From the Reviewing Fingers of GreenTulip.

A job well done. .

This, this is such an amazing piece of literature. You have no idea. I unquestionably love this piece of work! It reminds me often of myself that whenever I get torn down by people that I think of steeling myself away even against my friends (by no fault of their own of course) and become reclusive as to not allow myself to ever be hurt easily. I don't know if that's the exact message that you were trying to convey but I adore this piece and would (and will) read it over again whenever I am feeling weak. I also feel that this can be a very uplifting piece for those who are struggling through things such as relationships or just the basic hardships of life and I would definitely recommend it to others to take a peek at. I just love this so much and I hope you continue to write poetry as I undoubtedly believe that you have a superb talent for it.

Great job! Very uplifting! I enjoyed the allusion to Achilles, as well as the fact that you used stanzas! It creates a great division of multiple thoughts, and makes the poem clear for the reader. I really liked the meaning behind the poem, and how the emotion rose and fell. I liked how the metaphor of birds and cages carried on throughout, and how each thought led to the next. It gave a constant flow to the poem, and keeps the readers attention. I also liked the rhyming scheme. I mean who doesn't? Anyway, keep writing and can't wait to see more from you!