It was a warm and sunny day, the kind of day that ought to spent in parks or on picnics and barbeques. The sky was a clear blue, with wisps of clouds floating about like stretched cotton. The sun shone warm, its heat a pleasant blanket against the slight chill that came along with the occasional breeze. There was a lightness in the air, a joyful pitch in the song of the birds that calmed the heart and filled one with contentment and gratitude.
In hindsight, it was almost unfair that she had to spend such a beautiful summer morning waiting in her car and hoping that the school wouldn't suspend her brother this time. She should have known when he left home that morning with a steely expression and barely a word of acknowledgement to anybody. Mike was in a terrible mood most of the days, but on days like these when the brown of his eyes was almost replaced with a hard black, he was impossible to deal with.
She released a deep breath and gripped the steering wheel hard, watching her knuckles turn white. She had been doing the laundry when she had received the call from the school. She was familiar with the way it went about by now. The school would call home and she would have to pick up because her father would be too drunk to do it himself. They would complain for a while about something new that her brother did. Then they would offer their deepest condolences and at the same time remind her that this could not become routine. Both parties would steadily ignore the fact that this had already become a routine and neither was capable of doing something about it. The school wouldn't throw him out, not now when they had just gone through a terrible loss. And it wasn't as if her brother ever listened to her. Before or after.
She sighed and stared at the school building standing proud and tall in front of her. She had been excited to leave that part of her life behind. In fact, she had been ecstatic the day she had walked out of those grey gates one last time as a student, only a couple of months ago. She could still remember the pride in her parents' smiles, the happiness in her bother's when he had patted her on the back. They had gone to a restaurant afterwards, and her mother had not stopped interrogating her about her plans for college on the whole ride there. She could still remember the childish excitement on her face, the joy in her laughter and the pride that was etched in all her expressions that day.
She swallowed hard and forced her mind back to the present. She almost wished she could go back to the safety and the known familiarity of school once again. It would have been so easy to slip back into comforting patterns instead of trying to find her way through this strange dark numbness that had now become her new reality.
She shook her head clear as footsteps approached the car. She took a deep breath and steeled her expression. Her brother had already slipped inside the passenger seat of the car and his brown head stared straight ahead in stubborn defiance. Even from that angle, she could see the blackness that covered one eye and the band-aid glued at a corner of his forehead. She felt a headache coming and resisted the urge to rub her eyes in irritation. There was dead silence for a minute as both of them refused to speak first. Eventually though, she turned the keys sharply and the car jumped back to life with a thundering growl.
"In my defense, he threw the first punch this time." His voice was controlled, a kind of calm that she never would have expected from him.
That explained why she had only been called to pick him up and not asked straight to the Principal's office.
"Do you think I care about that?" she asked, exasperated, "Do you think the school cares about that?" She had hoped that the changing scenery outside her window would help calm her down, but it did not help that it was the middle of the day and there was nothing to stare at in the empty road.
"Well, a little sympathy would have been nice," he replied offhandedly.
"Oh, so now you want sympathy? Its twice this week that I've had to pick you up from school! Do you want them to kick you out? Is that what you want? Or do you want Dad to pick up the phone next time?"
It was getting increasingly hard to keep her attention on the road. But it was so much easier to center her focus on the anger rumbling deep and raw inside of her than the hurt, the pain and the worry that always accompanied whenever she thought too deep about the situation they have found themselves in.
Unmindful of her attempts to reel her emotions in, her brother let out a bitter laugh. "The man couldn't pick himself up if he tried to, you expect him to pick up a phone?"
She shook her head in annoyance, "Hey, cut him some slack! He's been through a lot."
"We have all been through a lot! We have not exactly stationed ourselves at the couch and taken to drinking ourselves to death have we?"
This time she laughed, except there was nothing funny about it. "Well, he drinks and you fight. There really isn't much of a difference between you two there, is there?"
Her words hung in the silence for a moment, and she could almost feel the bitterness behind them that stretched like a physical being in the space between them. She wished he would say something, anything that would fill the empty seconds that went by and when he finally spoke, she wished she hadn't.
"At least we are doing better than you."
She turned her head sharply at that. "What is that supposed to mean?"
He chuckled. "You know, when you didn't break down at the hospital, I thought you were in shock. And then when you arranged the funeral, tended to the guests and got Dad into bed at the end of the day, I thought you were strong. But then I saw your hands shaking on the kitchen counter before you tucked them neatly into your pockets and marched on, and I realized." He turned towards her then, and it took almost everything to keep her eyes on the road. "You are in so much pain, aren't you? You are just better at hiding it than the rest of us."
She swallowed the lump in her throat and wished she could just as easily swallow his words and ignore that blatant accusation in them. It was difficult to shut the door in her heart, especially when it was so intent on sending out pangs that resonated through the rest of her body, making her grip the steering wheel just a little bit harder. But she schooled her emotions and let out a deep breath.
"I am just doing what needs to be done Mike."
"Well, I don't need you mollycoddling me. Just because she is gone, does not mean you get to play my replacement mother."
Julia could feel the regret behind his words the moment he spoke them, but in that moment she was too exhausted and drained to care. She steered the car sharply to the left at the next crossing and watched from the corner of her eyes, as Mike held on to his seat tightly, fastening on his seat belt without a word. He did not ask where they were going and when she drove a bit faster, he pretended it did not matter. But Julia thought she could hear the beating of his heart over the loud beating of her own and the constant rumble of the car engine.
For a moment she wondered if he was remembering a different day as well, and a different person behind the wheel. She resisted the urge to close her eyes to stop the single tear from escaping, and instead she just let it fall. Her mother used to say that tears carry the weight people bury deep inside them, and when you let them go, you feel relief, you feel free. She was not in a position to argue with her, but if she could, she would tell her that she was wrong. She didn't feel relief. She didn't feel free. She felt as if someone had punched her in the gut, stolen all the oxygen from her lungs and snatched the ground from under her feet, leaving her floating in the abyss, blindly searching for something to hold on to.
She pulled the car to the side of the road and unfastened her seatbelt, feeling Mike do the same beside her. She did not wait for him to catch up with her as she simply walked out of the car and marched into the park. But she could still feel his footsteps behind her, following her as she knew he would.
Fresh air enveloped her and she took in a deep breath, hoping it would fill the empty spaces inside her. It really was a beautiful day, she realized as she walked across the graveled path, memories leading her this time, rather than her own senses. She did not stop until she reached their usual bench. Mike had always loved the swings when he was a kid and whenever they came here, their mother would perch herself on this bench so that she could keep an eye on both of her kids. She sat down on one corner of the bench closed her eyes, listening to the birds sing and the children play.
Hundreds of memories played in front of her eyes like a broken recorder. Memories of warm hands, whispered encouragements and kind smiles that lit up a heart shaped face. She swallowed the lump in her throat and pushed them back at the corner of her mind. They were safe there in the vaults of her mind. She would pick them out later, flip through them like the worn pages of a favorite book and remember and cry. But not now. Especially not now.
She felt Mike sit down beside her on the other corner of the bench and buried the deep pang in her chest as she spied the empty space in between them that should have been filled by someone else. She bit her lip and looked away for a second.
"I am sorry," Mike said quietly.
"I know."
"I didn't mean it."
"I know."
There was silence for a while and it did not feel as strained as before. She was the one to break it this time.
"Do you think she would be proud of us?" she asked curiously, without really looking at him.
Mike laughed, "Are you kidding me? She would have gone into a fit if she'd ever had to pick me up from school, let alone twice in a week. I would have been grounded for a month and she would have practically used me to annoy you into arguments until you simply gave up and exploded. She always said that the best way to get a reaction out of you is to annoy you, and everybody knows no one can do it better than I can."
Julia smiled. There was a lightness in her heart now, and not just because his words were true and she could almost imagine her mother concocting with Mike behind her back. It was also because this was the longest conversation she'd had with her brother since their lives had changed forever. She had missed him. She needed him. And she was only realizing how much.
"Its just you and me, Mike," she said, hating how her voice sounded soft and weak to her own ears, "Will you just talk to me? Will you just tell me why you are doing this so I can understand? Because I can't...I can't do this alone!"
There was a pause where she was almost sure that he was going to get up and walk away. But then, he didn't and she felt herself calm down just a little.
"I am sorry you've had to," he said it quietly and she looked up at him this time. He sighed. "I am sorry. I just...I've just been so angry, that most days I can't see anything other than the unfairness of it all." He paused, "I should have gone with her."
Julia started to protest, but Mike cut her off, "She asked me if I wanted to go along with her and I said no, because I was too lazy. I could have been with her, I could have done something for her."
Julia sighed, "No one could have done anything, Mike and you have to understand that. It just happened, okay? She didn't feel any pain."
He nodded, but she could still see the tears that flowed down his cheeks. "It still isn't fair."
"No one said it was."
They were silent for a while, both of them listening to the children playing in the corner.
"How do you do it?"
She looked up at him in question.
"How are you so controlled all the time?" he explained, "Those first days, I kept looking out for you, waiting for you to fall apart like the rest of us. But you just held on and did everything for us while we stared stupidly trying to understand. I was so mad at you for a while, so angry that you don't get to feel. But then I saw you that day, alone in the kitchen when you thought no one was looking. One minute you were shaking with your arms around yourself, and in the next, you had already moved on, ready to delve into another duty that wasn't yours to complete. Suddenly it made sense. You are so much like her, you know? Soldiering on in spite of everything." He laughed a little, "And I was so jealous of you for being able to do that."
Anger flared inside her for a second, but it was quickly replaced with desperation as she just wanted him to understand. She needed him to understand. "Do you think I don't feel the pain?" she asked sharply. "Do you think my heart doesn't die in my chest every time I find a stray shirt of hers in the dryers? Or every time I walk into a room and simply expect her to be there? I feel it Mike, I feel it with every breath I take." She released a deep breath, "But I had to soldier on Mike, I just had to. It was the only way I could cope. Dad was drinking too much and you were getting into fights everyday, and I just...I just had to do something."
He nodded, "I am sorry."
And she knew he was, probably the same way she knew he hadn't meant those words in the car.
"You have to stop though," Mike said suddenly.
"What?"
He looked her in the eye, and it was so much easier to look back at him now. Even with the scars and the band-aid and the blackness, he looked like her brother again.
"You have to stop looking after us, Jules. Its not your job. You can't just put your life on hold, make dinner every night, do the laundry and pick up after Dad. You can't answer his mails for him or do the shopping or pick up his calls. You can hold his hand and help him stand up, but you can't stand up for him, Jules. You just can't."
She nodded solemnly, "I know."
"And you have to start sending out those applications."
This time she stared at him and he just kept looking at her with a knowing glance. "I know you have been looking into the colleges here and I just want you to know that Mom wouldn't want that for you. She would want you to have everything that you deserve and we both know that this town is not it."
She shook her head, "I can't leave now."
"You can and you will. Its not your responsibility to look after us. You will be miserable if you stay here and you will resent it for the rest of your life."
His words had reached her and she could accept the truth in them, but people called her stubborn for a reason. "Its too soon."
Mike sighed, "Will you just promise me that you will look into other options then? We both know you can get in anywhere you want with your grades."
She smiled at the compliment, "Does that mean you are going to stop coming home with a black eye? Because that has to stop as well."
"It will. I told you, I was angry. I didn't mean my punches, they were just one way to feel a little bit of relief."
She nodded, "What are you going to do now then? To feel that relief?"
And if he said start drinking, she was going to punch him in the nose and add another black eye to complete the set.
He grinned as if he knew exactly what she had been thinking, "Why? I have you for a sounding board now!"
She smiled, "You always had me for that. Its you and me, remember?"
They didn't speak for a while after that and just sat in that bench watching the shadows change and life go around them. It was strange how just a few words had lessened the burden she had been carrying around with her all these days. She didn't feel okay, and she knew that it would take a while before either of them could be okay. But they were here now in a place, where they had made so many memories with someone they missed so much. The pain was excruciating and the loss unbearable, but as her brother slipped closer beside her on the bench, she thought that maybe they could share it together.
There was still a long way to go, but at least she wouldn't have to walk alone.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,121 Literary Works • 673,028 Reviews
Hi RandomTalks! Lim here with the review, as promised.
General Impressions
I thought this was a very ‘neat’ story in the sense that the conflict and the resolution are very clear. It’s also clear who the main character is and how she’s meant to progress in this story, having a difficult conversation with her brother. I think it would fit a magazine that publishes contemporary realistic fiction or something similar. The story feels a bit too ‘general’ for the more niche magazines, like if a magazine says ‘urban fiction’ I don’t think this would fit there as it’s not obviously in an urban setting, just a general modern one, if that makes sense. I couldn’t really decide if any one of the characters was particularly sympathetic or resonated with me a lot, though I can for the most part see where each of them is coming from.
Broad Comments: Structure and Tone
Something I liked about how the story was structured is that the problem of their grief is introduced in an ‘obvious’ way at first, but then is shown to have deeper layers, like how Julia has been coping. I also thought the resolution at the end was believable.
Something that could be worked on would be to have more of the story occur outside of dialogue.
For example, this might be a good place to describe the hand shaking that Mike later talks about. If it comes up here, you might be able to cut it out of the dialogue entirely, or have him bring it up and make it be an attribute the reader can understand the significance of better, since we would have seen it happening ‘first hand’.
These memories could be made more specific and they’re a good chance to flesh out the characters of Julia and the mother more without increasing the word count by a ton. Is there a specific hobby they used to share? Is there a phrase her mother would overuse? Something special about her hands, like maybe a callous or a scar or a ring? Bracelet maybe?
For instance, I like this moment because it implies a specific backstory behind that park: it says they used to go there as a family, which helps locate the story in a place and time.
In general, I liked the tone of the story. It’s very consistent throughout and I felt immersed in Julia’s headspace as I read it.
Broad Comments: Characterisation and Setting
I thought the set up of Mike and Julia as ‘foils’ to one another was clear, and I liked how that informed their dynamic. There weren’t any ‘weird’ moments where I thought one of them was acting out of character.
One thing I felt was that Mike doesn’t read as someone who’s still in school. He sounds much older – at least college age, so I have a hard time imagining him as ‘Julia’s kid brother’.
For example, this bit of dialogue seems very highly structured. There’s the ‘rule of three’ structure of “I thought . . . I thought . . . I realized,“ that makes it seem kind of rehearsed. That part to me makes it seem like Mike is not a teenager. I think it’s perfectly fine to have artistic license in depicting conversations to make a moment dramatic, but from the other few monologues he has it looks almost as though Michael is just like that, which like I said makes it a bit hard for me to read him as a young teen getting into fights after his mother’s death. The ‘chuckle’ especially kind of makes me imagine a bitter man in his late twenties, rather than a kid. This kind of applies with the other stuff he says as well, like:
I think the idea that he’s being ‘scarily calm’ could be just as easily conveyed via just describing his facial expression, or him just saying something like, “Just so you know, he threw the first punch,” (which to me at least sounds more like the typical teenage dialogue option) and then having the rest of the description go on as it already is.
If you’d prefer Mike’s speech style to stay the same, it might be good to think about how important it is to your story that Mike is school age, or if he might be rewritten as an older character. Maybe you could age up both the characters, and make him be in college while Julia is looking for post-grad education or something.
I like this bit of dialogue and how that shows Julia’s character. In general I like this initial conversation, because it’s very clear that Julia is adopting a kind of ‘parent’ role even before Mike says it explicitly. She refers to “the school”, showing that she’s thinking about things from ‘society’s’ perspective rather than considering just individual feelings and being kind of realistic/ practical about whose opinion ‘actually’ matters in whether or not her brother gets suspended.
Line Edits and Nitpicks
I’m going to dissect the first two paragraphs here, since introductions are really important. I think starting with a description of the weather *might* turn some editors off, because it’s considered a cliché? It’s not that the description is bad, I like the image of “stretched cotton” for clouds especially, but it might be smart to weave these descriptions into the body of the story rather than putting them in the front.
The first part of the story also has a lot of lines that are about the same length. That makes the rhythm of the prose feel a bit monotonous. I’d imagine you could make it more attention-grabbing if you varied the sentence lengths a bit more, for example, with your second paragraph maybe try:
I’m sure you can come up with something much better than I have though! This is just an example. On the description of the ‘brown eyes changing to black’, somehow it trips me up because of how ‘realistic’ and ‘literal’ the rest of the story is? I can appreciate the poetic meaning of his eyes ‘darkening’, but I have a feeling it’s not meant to be taken literally here, so it might be good to try a different approach. (I think “steely expression” also does the work in conveying that he was very angry enough.)
Missed an ‘r’ in ‘brother’ here.
I’m guessing you mean that his hair his brown? Somehow “brown head” feels like a bit of a weird description. What part of his head is brown?
Having him say ‘I’m sorry’ would make this more realistic as dialogue, unless Mike is just someone who abhors contractions.
I think this narration that Mike gives might be a good place to insert a small flashback n Julia's POV so the reader can see the mother character 'in real time'. Maybe the first line “She would have . . .twice in a week.” Could be Mike’s dialogue that sparks a memory for Julia, and then she can recollect the rest of it in her inner narration. That might also help smoothen the transition to “Julia smiled” because it would show the thought process that’s making her smile, rather than have it be implied by the brother’s dialogue.
The scene where Julia says “I can’t do this alone” felt a little rushed, compared to the earlier part where the descriptions kind of dragged on. Maybe cutting down on the earlier part, e.g. descriptions of the weather, and putting that in here could help with the pacing.
Splitting this bit up into a few shorter sentences might help enhance the drama, for instance, I’d suggest:
[/quote][/quote]
I think splitting it up like this helps the reader let each emotional beat sink in a little more. That’s why I think that longer sentences make sense for the parts of the story that are just summarising or describing a kind of routine scene, whereas shorter sentences are especially important here.
Overall
I think you’ve got a good foundation there with this story. I like the direction it takes and feel like the characters make sense as people. I think plenty of readers could relate to their situation and the resolution of the story. I’ve just tried to comment very meticulously since you mentioned you’d like to publish this one. I hope some of these comments are helpful, and let me know if something I said wasn’t clear or if you want feedback on a specific thing.
Good luck with your writing!
-Lim
Hi Liminality! I get what you said about Mike coming off as much older than his age; I will try to tweak his dialogues a little. Thank you for the very detailed review!
Hi RandomTalks,
Mailice here with a short review!
I'm always thrilled and intrigued by how you manage to infuse a short story with so much emotion and power that it feels like being pulled into this world you've created, only to be thrown out at the end of the last full stops and realise you've somehow become a different kind of person.
You masterfully set the scene for the story in many ways and I must say that you still keep a special way of engaging the reader with all the descriptions and details.
For example here. You start a nice kind of wave in the first sentences, which develop into a kind of storm. The reader is on the lookout for something to be revealed, but you manage over several paragraphs to first give the reader this queasy feeling, this uneasy, nervous feeling that something is, almost like waiting for an answer to a question where you already know the answer.
It's only here that you give the reader the opportunity to pause for a moment and comprehend what you've imagined so vaguely, and I think it's fantastically staged that you keep it so simple, and it comes across as a sentence that could be anywhere else. You stay on your own level and create an effective way of letting it sink into the reader.
I think a little typo crept in here with "in front of her"? Shouldn't it be "in front of it", since the building / the school are neuter in English?
There is a clear difference between "the man" and "dad". It gives you a quick jab in the head for the reader and you gradually realise that Mike is still in mourning and is currently still in that angry "zone" of finding an answer. He denies everything and rejects many things, be it help or even just a sentence in good friendship. Mike continues to go through a phase of grief that is well into its beginning.
Quite the opposite of Julia, who continues to be in an apathy, as if her life has just stopped in time. She is still numb and tries to find a way to keep everything going. She is the dam that holds everything together and yet this wall is beginning to crumble. I think Julia is a strong person in her own right, you portray it well and I agree that Julia still has a few moments to go through before she realises what really happened. She has built herself a shield to carry on, only to fall into the various stages of grief later.
You can see a good transition here from Mike in the different stages of grief. His initial anger does not yet turn into acceptance, but rather into a path where he still wants to negotiate, seeks a kind of way out. He tries to imagine "what if" scenarios and also tries to change the reality in his head.
I really can't find anything here that could be bad. I think the last story I read from you had dropped a little bit in contrast to the others, but you're building a really great comeback here again. I'm always blown away by all the depth you create with these simple words, as I mentioned before.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Thank you very much for the review!
Andrew here for a review!
Overall, I liked this story, it was powerful and well written. The pros were beautiful in some places if a bit wordy and clunky in others. Pretty good grammar, but a mistake here and there, but nothing that can't be fixed with a little editing.
But into specifics!
Nice opening paragraph, definitely gives peaceful vibes.
Wow, well, defenently changes the vibes by ripping away that nice day. My biggest complaint with it would be that the first two sentences are a bit long and hard to follow. Nothing excessive, but I had to read that section a second time to understand how they connected and what was going on.
This paragraph is efficient at giving us information without slowing down the flow. It's also sad, which I think is what you're going for.
I'm pretty sure there should be a comma there, but besides that, I like this, very gold-tinted past vibes. I never went to high school, so correct me if I'm wrong here, but what about the high school graduation ceremony? Does that happen after the actual last day of school? If not, why isn't that mentioned?
Ouch. Real quick, I think the emboldened sentence is a bit wordy, and could be edited down to be less of a mouth full.
haha, I like his opening line. I'd just say that the little time jump from him approaching to him past tense already being in the car is a bit jarring. Also, small grammar nitpicks, that would be band-aid (with the dash) and the Eventually should have a comma after it. (though in all honesty I'm crap at commas so maybe don't trust me there)
I like this because I can totally see from both of their perspectives, neither of them feel 100% right/wrong, which is normally how arguments about relationships. The emboldened sentence felt a little bit clunky, especially with the double use of help.
Like this cruel way he lashed out. Very human.
Double use of and commas need to be placed before names in statements like that.
I think this is the most powerful section so far. Very raw, makes us an audience feel a semblance of what our charterers are feeling.
I'm very glad that you mended the two's relationship, gives the bitter the sweat it required. To often in stories we show families breaking, I think we need more examples of them being fixed as well. No family is not the solution to a bad family, it's a good family.
The emboldened part was a bit strangely worded in my opinion.
Continues to be powerful, but the last part part should be "She looked at him questioningly"
I like this controlled anger, and the two expressing themselves honestly. Her speech is powerful, and his comments are real.
I like this end point, it shows what we've actually been here for, for the story. Did you mean though emails?
I like the mutual growth going on, and that last idea, though good, I think could be expanded on.
Powerful ending. I'd just say, that I think compared to the rest of the story, the last line could be more powerful.
But that's just my two cents! Hope it helped!
Overall, really liked the story, the theme of family is powerful and well done. The conversation is realistic, and the pain is communicated well. Makes me want to be nicer to my sibling's XD
Thanks, and keep writing,
Andrew
Thank you for the review!
Wow, I cannot believe there is no review of this yet. I am sorry that the first one is gonna be from a total amateur and on top of that not even a native speaker.. but anyway, I am gonna try to give my two cents
First let me start with telling you that you are really talented writer, you engaged me to the story within the first few lines. Your description is also incredible. You describe your characters so well that I can picture them in front of my eyes as I'm reading.
As for describing the feeling, you did a magnificent job too as I had tears in my eyes while reading the story.
I would say it might be because your writing hit "too close to home" but I don't think that's necessarily - I think you are a hell of a writer which makes your piece super relatable.
Also I happened to be in a difficult situations where I had to be strong because simply.. let's say the others were not.. so the part
"..But then I saw your hands shaking on the kitchen counter before you tucked them neatly into your pockets and marched on, and I realized."
just really hit me deeply.
And although it's a very sad and heartbreaking story, I loved how you managed to end it with a positive massage. Also a very important one in my humble opinion.
So please keep writing (if you don't do it professionally already), I am definitely reading more of your work in the future.
Thanks for the review!