Wishes Part One (Updated)

by RainbowPowerPonies

Published December 23, 2013

18+ Language Violence

In Fantasy

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

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She looked up at him. “You mean it?”

“Of course! I'm always here for you!” Alex helped her up off the cold stone floor of the abandoned castle.

“What was that thing anyway?” Sarah wondered aloud. Alex didn't know the answer so decided to not speak even after thinking twice. “You don't know do you?” She assumed when she didn't receive a response immediately from the 17 year old boy next to her. Alex sighed and knew if he didn't reply to her she'd just keep talking so he changed his mind and spoke to her,

“no I don't know what that thing was or why it attacked you and me. We did nothing to the creature,” he admitted when Sarah had finished her short two part rant she had began to engage in when there was no update from Alex. He sighed once again. Shes a talkative one, try to survive the last few days you have! His mind often reminded him of this small little fact, she was very chatty, this almost never bothered him. It was when she just couldn't shut up that annoyed him. And no one blamed him in fact a lot of people asked him how he put up with her constant chatter. Some people he punched in the face for such rude comments, some he nodded to and occasionally he would speak to the curious people who asked him how he became so patient and understanding. He always thought of Sarah and how he would feel if her feelings were hurt, it made him shiver. He hatted causing pain. The creature wasn't off his mind even when he had left the ruin with Sarah and it was still bothering her as well, not as much though. Not enough for her to not notice the far away look in Alex's eyes and make him snap out of it,

“Cut it out Alex! You always do that!” She exclaimed shaking his shoulder, aggravated at him for repeating this old habit of his. But it took a hard bitch slap from Sarah's cold hand to get him back to reality.

“Ow! What was that for!?” Sarah didn't answer. Instead of stopping she continued, hands behind her back moving forward, and leaving her companion behind. This was another thing Sarah did that Alex dreaded, her way of picking and then being a complete hypocrite. Denying the fact that she had just caused another human harm, she dismissed it with ease as if she hadn't done a thing and didn't look back as Alex clutched his wounded eye. He felt it swelling and saw it turning purple in a puddle along the way, soon he realized why Sarah had been so randomly cruel towards him. He had zoned again, he did it quite often but never could tell when he was doing it, that was his one problem. It was like he wasn't conscious but yet he was definitely awake, the creature made him zone out that time and he was sure of that. Sarah was a little embarrassed having slapped her friend and it took all her courage and strength in that moment to just keep walking. You didn't have to slap him you mother fucking idiot! This made her sad and her head dropped when Alex was looking away, she was tired after their long journey and a little disappointed that she had to get up early the next morning for training. Sadly she wasn't taking Cotillion to improve her manners she was taking Magic and Martial Arts. Which meant she had no time to be elegant except when she was using her speed and needed to be balanced, quick, and graceful as to not loose focus and fall off a roof. They almost never practiced speed in Magic and Martial Arts was occasional, it was considered “special” training. They both walked home in opposite directions, Sarah hoping for morning and Alex wishing he wouldn't have to see the light of day.

Has someone ever told you the expression “Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.”? Well Alex needed to watch his wishes because they could just come true and let me tell you Alex will be regretting his wishes for certain. For he needed Sarah

*

Alex awoke to a nice sunny morning which was immediately spoiled by his transparent blue curtains that let the blinding rays of light into the room and into his eyes which quickly began to burn.

“Damn-it! That burns!” He expected to have the unpleasant surprise of going to the window to see Sarah duck down as if she had not been spying on him, for this was a usual morning routine. But instead when he opened the thin blinds that almost never did their intended job he didn't see her... anywhere. He smiled gleefully and moved to the bathroom, the absence of Sarah's annoying behavior made up for the poor start of the day Alex had experience only a second ago. He had run out of tooth paste the day before but planned to go into town later anyway, he would just buy some then. He skipped his before meal brush and went straight to the next order of his morning business, breakfast. He opened the fridge and found his coconut milk and orange juice, next he opened his small cabinet and got out granola, Rice Chex, honey, and a medium sized bowl. Pulling out a gray wooden chair Alex placed the things in his arms down on the small round table just ahead of him and sat down to his ingredients he looked them over and his grin turned completely upside down, something was missing. Why am I always missing something always overlooking something. His frown continued as he got up from the table and excused himself to the fridge and opened it in hopes of finding the item in the vast cold storage unit that had been shrunk the the tiny size of barely holding milk, eggs, left overs of the past night's meal, breakfast fixings, and a few lunch options. This made the room in his small apartment like home quite limited. This was not what angered Alex it was the fact that he didn't know what he was looking for but the he realized that he had been missing the most important part of his morning. His protein he got out an apple and bit into it the juices easily slid down his throat quenching the thirst that had come upon him when he picked up the delectable fruit. He jumped into the air and flipped over his only counter top to land gently in his chair at the table and he took another bite of the red delicious in his hand. He tried his luck and threw the roundish fruit into the sky, his eyes followed the apple as he was determined to catch the ball like object he had already began to eat. He arose swiftly almost tipping over the table cereal ready to fly with it and ran away from the table as if it could hurt him somehow. Alex jumped, grabbed the red fruit dived towards the counter and landed with a thump dangling precariously near the edge of the surface. He moved slowly and delicately as he moved his body from the edge of the marble to the center and jumped off with ease and a spring accompanying his step gracefully he landed once again in his chair a small impulse yearning to repeat the process but an extreme will fighting this thought compelled him to not do so and he followed this restraint he didn't want to ruin his food supply by bruising it all to the point of it being not edible. Alex frowned and began to eat, his foot had twisted a little when he landed on the counter before getting to where he was and now it hurt making the sunny calm peaceful morning a little less perfect then before. The cereal was soon gone and only the unblemished apple remained sitting in front of him along with a glass of pulp free orange juice to the top right of the place mat that the Alex had placed the apple on and the empty bowl remained until Alex was completely finished with the early morning meal. Sarah probably went to meet Rugon in town and will be back at any second. Alex thought unhappily he knew that Rugon (Sarah's instructor and partner) often pulled Sarah out of her home early in the mornings for meetings, training sessions, and missions. He ate the fruit and moved briskly to a window expecting her to pop up at any time, smile on her face. Yet nothing, he frowned he blushed hotly from the surprise of the fact he was actually... disappointed by Sarah's disappearance. As the blush faded Alex had finished his meal. He slipped out his apartment wrestling his coat on and soon he was out the door and on the grey side-walk. Alex walked on until he saw Rugon's 1960 Bentley signed by Mr. Ford himself of a golden shade, he strutted up to it and put on a stern frown to make Rugon intimidated but it became softer as their eyes met. He couldn't help it, Sarah's instructor was very strict and Alex had never met Rugon before. Rugon smiled up at Alex from under his top hat, old eyes glistening in the sun of that early morn. “And what can I do for a good friend of Sarah's today?” He asked as Alex opened his mouth to speak, good friend? Sarah... talks about me? He had a very curious mind and it was certainly running that day. “You, you mean she's not w-with you?” Alex stuttered nervously. “Well no, were you expecting her to be here Alex?” Rugon replied with an inquiring tone to his voice, oh shit. This, is not good. “Yes... erm she wasn't back at t-the apartment. I, I figured she might be training...” Alex said suddenly even more worried than he felt comfortable having weighing his shoulders down.

Comments & reviews · 2
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horrendous
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horrendous wrote a review Review · Dec 23, 2013

hey, got a review for you. most of what i was going to say was covered by girlwhowrites. i'll touch on some of them anyway.

a lot of your sentences run way too long. some proof-reading would be very beneficial to your story, it seems this is the first draft and contains a myriad of grammatical errors.

in the first paragraph, you open in a castle. i don't know if this story had a previous chapter or prologue, but normally when you start narrating about castles, creatures and magic, the reader assumes the story is going to be a medieval fantasy. then you start talking about refrigerators and toothpaste and it really threw me off.

some of the language seemed unnecessary, such as "bitch slap" and "you motherfucking idiot". bitch slap especially, there's no reason to include the word bitch there, a slap is a slap and trying to create a serious narrative when your characters are bitch slapping each other will prove difficult.

negatives aside, this story being a sort of hybrid (castles and magic being mixed with modern-day scenes) is a pretty cool idea. work on your grammar and exclude unnecessary language (i'm not averse to cussing, but it needs to suit a purpose) and you should be solid.

thanks, I'll look into it. The reason I used 'bitch slap' is because slapping and bitch slapping are 2 different things. I used 'mother fucking idiot' because she would feel extremely mad at herself and call herself names.

thegirlwhowrites wrote a review Review · Dec 23, 2013

Hi!
girlwhowrites here to give suggestions and hopefully helpful feedback!
First of all, you need to review your story and add in paragraph breaks! You should never insert one big block of text as it confuses the reader and is even discouraging. Remember that you always need to go on the next line when there is dialogue. For example:

“You, you mean she's not w-with you?” Alex stuttered nervously, “well no, were you expecting her to be here Alex?” Rugon replied with an inquiring tone to his voice

...should be:
“You, you mean she's not w-with you?” Alex stuttered nervously.
"Well no, were you expecting her to be here Alex?” Rugon replied with an inquiring tone to his voice.
(remember to always have capital letters right after the speech marks)

I noticed you had some issues with your sentence structuring. Many were too long and used too many of the same words.
Sarah wondered aloud, Alex didn't know the answer so decided to not answer even after thinking twice.

After 'aloud' you need a full stop, not a comma since what you descirbe later has nothing to do with what she said. The second part does not make sense. I undertand what you mean, but I would rephrase it. Try changing it into something like this: 'Alex did not know the answer, and even after thinking twice he decided not to reply.' or 'Alex did not know the answer and decided not to reply even after thinking twice.' Don't use the same word twice in a sentence, it doesn't flow nicely.
Alex sighed and knew if he didn't reply to her she'd just keep talking so he changed his mind and spoke to her,

This sentence also doesn't sound quite right. You could try putting a full stop after 'talking' and taking away the 'so' or just take away the 'so he changed his mind' to keep it simpler and more straight-forward.
After this sentence you entered a new paragraph to put in what Alex says, but instead you should enter the paragraph break at the start of the sentence and continue until you finish his dialogue.
he admitted when Sarah had finished her short two part rant she had began to engage in when there again was no update from Alex.

Rephrase this. Also, I don't quite understand: she began to engage in a short two part rant before or after Alex replied? If it is before, I would take away the 'again' as it makes it look like: again, after he replied, she started ranting.

He sighed once again shes a talkative one, try to survive the last few days you have!

You need a connection between what he's thinking and what you're describing. Either you put a full stop after 'again' or add in 'and thought,' between 'again' and 'she's'.

Some people he punched in the face for such rude comments, some he nodded to and occasionally he would actually speak to the curious people whom asked him how he became so patient and understanding.

*who not whom.
(I would take away the 'actually' to make it sound better.)

He always thought of Sarah and how he would feel if her feelings were hurt, it made him shiver. He hatted causing pain.

Instead of the comma either put a full stop or an 'and'.
Just a small typo, *hated.

She exclaimed shaking his shoulder aggravated at him for repeating this old habit of his.

Add in a comma between 'shoulder' and 'aggravated'

Sarah didn't answer instead of stopping she continued hands behind her back moving forward and leaving her companion behind.

This sentence doesn't make sense. I think I understand what you mean but you really need to structure it in a different way. Try: "Sarah didn't answer. Instead of stopping she continued, hands behind her back and moving forward, leaving her companion behind."

He felt it swelling and saw it turning purple in a puddle along the way, soon he realized when Sarah had been so randomly cruel towards him.

What did he realize? That she had been so randomly cruel? If it is, then the word you're looking for is not "when" but "that" (I think).

It was like he wasn't conscious but yet he was definitely awake, the creature made him zone out that time and he was sure of that.

He was sure of what? These are two sentences pushed into one.

I really like it when you mention the sort of courses Sarah is taking. That really leaves questions in the reader's minds and pushes them to keep reading :D

I also think it was really clever of you to add that part in bold in between the two parts, almost like a warning.

He had run out of tooth paste the day before but planned to go into town later anyway, he would just buy some then.

Nice use of small details to set the scene and create avivid image in the readers' minds.

There are other sentences which you should look at and add in pauses or separate. I would try reading them out loud if it helps.
Other than that, I loved the plt of your story and the wa you described the relationship between Alex and Sarah. Looking forward for more!! Sorry if you found this harsh, just trying to help!

This was really helpful ^^ I went back and updated it you can read it, titled 'Wishes Part One (Updated)' btw you misspelled 'plot' and 'way' as 'plt' and 'wa'



It takes as much imagination to create debt as to create income.
— Leandro Orr