Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
Chapter One
Alice opened her bedroom door and saw a boy from her class and her close friend John standing by her bed. Her room was a simply painted room of the color white with a blue and white bunk-bed in the middle. A bedside table sat next to the bottom bunk with a medium sized lava lamp on top of it. A small black fan rested on the end of the top bunk, angled perfectly to hit someone's face. A laptop had been placed on the top bunk as well, a cherry red windows 8. An black one of the same design was on the bottom, the boys how had previously been looking at one of the Goochland High posters on her wall turned around to face her. "Hey Alice. Wattcha doin'?" Cody questioned as she stared coldly at him. "Oh nothing but getting mad at two boys for coming into my room without permission!" She replied still not blinking, "Sorry Alice. I guess we kind of let our selves in..." John said apologizing but not pleasing Alice one bit. "No one reads signs anymore do they?" She asked pointing to the red, black, and yellow do-not-disturb sign on her door. "I guess not." The two boys said in unison but then turned and scowled at one another. They hatted talking as one. “How can I make it up to you? We just forgot it's rude to enter a room unannounced.” Cody said trying to reason with the unhappy teen girl that was staring at him and the jerk next to him with cold, cold eyes. “That doesn't make up for it, you guys have one last chance. Don't let me catch you doing this ever again! Do you understand me?” “Yes ma'am!” The boys said in sync again, they turned and snarled at each other once more but quickly stopped when Alice turned to face them. "You two are so fucking lucky I like you!" Alice finished he voice softening as she calmed down. The two boys walked slowly out of the girl's big room as Alice heard one of them snickering. She assumed it was Cody, John was her crush, he had loads of money and was quite handsome in her thoughts. He's nice... he wouldn't laugh at me. Would he? Alice wondered when the boys were gone and she was alone in the big room lying on the bottom bunk of her bed after a long school day. The boys had ridden to her house on bikes and gotten out earlier. She had walked in sandals back to her house, her parents had gone out and left her home alone. They were always doing that, leaving her home as if she didn't exist since she had gotten a phone and could be left home. Like they didn't care at all, after a while of Alice's parents sleeping in hotels and not being around she had actually forgotten what they looked like. Now that she was 17 Alice drove herself around in her car, it was necessary that Alice knew how to drive well, and cook for herself and stuff because of her lifestyle. Her parents who knew this would be important spent every minute they got teaching her how to do the things she needed to know how to do, like cook do laundry drive and all that. Basically take care of herself, they had her "ready" by 16 or at least that's what her parents had said to her when they left her alone for the first time. That she was ready, ready for what? She had always wondered about this but had so much trouble finding out the answer to this mind-bending question.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi CrystalPony21!
SlushySlapped here for a review!
Alright so first thing I noticed before reading is that this is one huge paragraph. That makes it difficult to read. I suggest separating this into smaller paragraphs.
Another thing I noticed as I scrolled down were a couple of bold words. Rather than bolding them, italicize them for emphasis! Of course Alice is fine the way it is. It kind of reminds me of how books start each chapter! Something fancy with the first word.
I have a few corrections/punctuation stuff I'm going to suggest in red!
I just think instead of the second 'and' a 'with' would flow better. Also there needs to be commas around 'John' because you're introducing in the middle of your sentence like that.
'Wattcha' is spelled 'Whatcha.'
In the beginning you've described the room and to be honest, I find it to be a bit awkward and very much forced. I feel like description would be better towards describing the two boys there rather than the room.
Other than that, like Unstoppable, I also found no plot line.
You did good, but there is still improvement needed! I don't mean to be harsh, I promise. Plus I think that's true with every work, there's always room for improvement. I've rewritten the first chapter to my book at least five times and I still think it could use improvement! Any who...
Keep writing!
Hey, how's life? First time reading your work and genre so the best of luck that it's good.
First things first. Your first paragraph is descriptive, which i really love...sometimes. Yours kind of just lists things. What would be better is saying only a couple of objects and describing them a lot.
2) A tip for speech is to separate them from the text, it makes it easier to read and look at. But that might just be me.
3) I like the way you introduce the boys, however maybe it would be a good idea to create them a little more. Describe what they look like, what colour their hair , eyes or skin are.At the moment you have your readers guessing what everyone looks like. Which can be a good thing but in this context i would definatly describe them. Just an idea though.
3) Your plot line doesn't seem to be there, it might just be how i look at things but at the moment all that has happened is a girl walking in on two boys, one of whom she has a crush on. If this is only a section then please forgive me but at the moment that is what i think.
4) i really like your bit about the parents getting her "ready". It really intrigued me and it's a good end of chapter thing.
Overall it's good, it can be improved but can't everything. I would love to read more of this. And a question are you taking part in nanowrimo?
Yes I in fact am on NaNoWriMo if you were wondering my username is: CrystalPony21 ^_^ thanks for the advice, sorry about my bad writing... I was kind of rushed! Well... thanks again!
~CrystalPony21
Sorry about that... Wrong account!