Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
I opened my eyes reveling the window, my chin rested on the sill as I stared out at the vast black abyss that was the sky littered with stars, white sparkling dots against the black dull air. I breathed in the chilling winter breeze and the smell of fern trees, winter was my favorite time of year. I remembered going back to school in February and being someones Valentine, but that was over because I didn't go to Private Schools anymore, only public ones. No one at those schools liked me 'cause I was... different, I hadn't had been a Valentine for two years, much less have one. I couldn't afford to like someone knowing they didn't like me back so I just sat in the back of every classroom and be quiet. I sat alone at lunch, and when there were tests there was no one to share notes with or study with. As a result my grades were just above failing ones. I jerked my head up to the sound of a knock on my room door, I got three splinters as I ran across the room to look out the tiny crack in my door. I was so surprised because my father was in town and my mother had past, this left me alone at home and having no friends I was scared of who I would see. The regular bullies, people from my old schools coming to say they hated me now, or a thief a stranger just making sure no one was home, I gulped unable to breath. I soon saw a familiar silhouette standing at my door looking around as if waiting for me to answer, that was when I realized who was waiting on the other side. It was Aidan, his ginger hair gleaming from the Christmas lights that had been set up inside, shimmering as the light stared into the two lush green hills with a black sun in the middle that were his eyes and I could go on forever about the time I saw him and I could describe it in such abstract speech you may scarcely understand me so this is where I stop. I ran from the door to my computer, opened it and pulled up the internet and got out my textbooks. “Come in,” I finally answered in a hushed shy voice pretending I didn't know whom would soon enter, my back turned I heard soft footsteps of his Adidas sneakers. I found myself sweating and wanted to slap myself, my throat choked up and I couldn't speak. What's happening to me!? My mind wondered not understanding the emotion I was experiencing, I seemed to have a sense of Déjá Vu I was having, I knew I had felt this way before but it was impossible to uncover my feelings. Something about him... What. The. Hell. Is. Wrong. With. Me? “Hey Bridget, how are you today?” Aidan asked my turned back, I sheepishly turned around feeling like a fool and trying not to blush like crazy in front of him. After all he came to my house just to see me, I put a smile on my face as my eyes met his and a flutter entered my stomach his loving green eyes sparkled and his soft smile lit up the room. I thought I wasn't going to be able to access my living vocal cords so that I may posses the ability to speak with the boy that was currently in my room, but I realized I was... I was well I didn't know. Some people might have thought I was embarrassed to have a boy in my room but that just wasn't it.... what was it?
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140,840 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Alright, well...for this one...I have to say this right up front and that is...that...you do need to look into breaking this up into a few paragraphs here, cause, right off the bat this comes off as a big ol' chunk of text here and its just not very easy to decipher not to mention it also appears to be messing with the overall flow of things here too. So you'd want to try and split this up into a few paragraphs at the very least here.
Anyways, moving past that and right into the actual content of things here...well, the start seems to be depicting someone whose having a bit of a hard time at school especially when it comes to socializing and well it definitely fits with what the title is trying to say there. And then it kind of transition into the actual scene itself there where it looks like someone this person perhaps has a crush on or something of the sort ends up visiting them perhaps. It does seem someone they know relatively but their reaction seems to indicate something extra going on there.
On the whole we've got ourselves an intriguing little prologue here, it certainly has quite a few things in it that make you think. It seems like the type of story that I would in fact read here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey Pony! It's me again xD
I wanted to say how much I like this idea, and I think it's a very good beginning. I liked how you've introduced Bridget and her circumstances. We also kind of get to see how she's wrapped up in this loneliness. She feels lonely but then again she believes this is how she'll always be so she never tries to make friends either.
An important thing for layout in a story is to have paragraphs. They're super helpful because it makes the writing not look like one big block. A big block looks like a lot of work to read, so the reader could be put off. It's best to keep the paragraphs subject orientated. So once it starts going on about something different, from loneliness to feelings of confusion about Aidan, then you need a new paragraph. Also, you need a new one every time a different speaker speaks. I'm going to do nitpicks next:
This was the opening line, and I'm going to pick it apart quite a bit so you can see what is wrong in the first couple of lines and edit it for the whole poem. Firstly, you have a run on sentence. This comes back throughout the chapter so edit it out too. If a sentence has more than one comma, usually here it's too longer (because you have longer filler phrases). So, the first one needs to be cut in two with a full stop. I opened my eyes, reveling the view outside of the window, my chin rested on the sill. I started out at the vast black abyss that was the sky littered with stars:( you need a semi colon here because you aren't starting a new idea in the next phrase, but describing what the stars are like) white sparkling dots against the black dull air.
Also, you need to say reveling the view outside of the window. When I saw the word reveling, I thought to myself, reveling what? Be specific in writing.
I breathed in the chilling winter breeze and the smell of fern trees, winter was my favorite time of year. Here the comma should be a ; instead. It's a bit difficult to explain, it's a mix between a semi colon and a comma. Basically you need a pause, but you also go on to explain the previous line. So this punctuation mark is necessary. Also, if you don't understand my terrible explanation, you should check the forums. There are plenty of topics on grammar that explain it better than I do.
I loved the description in the first lines I pointed out too though! I thought it was spot on, lovely and detailed.
and was quiet. Be quiet is usually what you use to tell others they need to hush up in a polite way.
I think you mean with breathe here instead. This a common mistakes you don't worry.
Also, this chapter has a pretty sudden ending. For such good writing it needs to feel smoother and round. Maybe Aidan says something and she's tongue tied and then she is thinking of a response and the chapter ends with her thinking she has no clue what to say. This means it's a small cliffhanger until the next chapter, so that the reader wonders what she comes up with and feels like turning that page.
It was good to read
Deanie x
Hi!
I really like this story, it's great! Here's my only issue with it: it doesn't finish! I think maybe you were intending to save it as a draft and accidentally published it. That's ok, just know you can edit your work to finish it. I'd love to read the end!
Also, it could have been broken up into different paragraphs to make it easier to read. That would have helped make it seem less cluttered on the page.
I think you meant your dad is out of town, not in, and your mom passed, not past.
Your writing style is simplistic, which I like, but I feel like there could be a bit more elaboration in your descriptions. I feel like I don't really know what's going on in parts.
So pretty much, just fix your formatting, polish your writing, and finish it, and it'll be great!
Toboldlygo
Lonely
Hello PonyzandPokez,
Happy YWS Olympics! This is Magenta here to review your short story or novel that you've just recently submitted, Lonely. "I opened my eyes reveling the window, my chin rested on the sill as I stared out at the vast black abyss that was the sky littered with stars, white sparkling dots against the black dull air." Wow! This is a really descriptive and lovely beginning. I love the way that you describe the sky here. Though, you wouldn't be reveling the window, would you? I thought you would be reveling the sky. But still, would revel be the right way to describe such a peaceful scene? Either way, you have a wonderful beginning for this story.
"I breathed in the chilling winter breeze and the smell of fern trees, winter was my favorite time of year. " I think you should have a semicolon here in place of the comma. Also, shouldn't it be "is' my favorite time of year? I guess it could go either way, depending on how you see it.
"different, I hadn't had been a Valentine for two years, much less have one. " Just make sure that you use a period here instead of the comma. I think this was just a typo or something.
"As a result my grades were just above failing ones. " Wouldn't this sound better if you said "average" or "a bit below average"? It's just a suggestion that I think would sound better.
Wait, where is the rest of the story? I think that you did well with this story so far. You are going o continue it, right? I liked the way you were able to weave in some description and vocabulary. You have a great start. Keep on writing.
~ Magenta