Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
Allison opened her eyes and stared at me, “Good morning!” I said smiling at her, she sat straight up in her bed as quick as possible her red hair flying into the air behind her “How long was I asleep John?” She asked impatiently staring at me, “oh... um, just 13 hours ha ha...” I answered quietly as I stared at my feet worriedly. “Oh shit! I’m late for work! You should have woken me up!” She got out of bed dressed, and ran out the door, Allison waited tables at a local cafe in town, her boss was very strict about her specifically. If she was late that was $5 off her pay-check for that month. That was a big deal for Allison all the time, It was always money. If she didn't earn the $5 back by working five extra hours she couldn't pay the monthly rent for her apartment. Even though she had already paid for that month the her time was almost over and she needed to get enough money to pay in time or they would through her out onto the street, but she didn't plan on staying in her current home for too much longer. Soon she would have the money to move into a nicer cheaper home so that she wouldn't have to work so hard. As for food her tips could buy her a light breakfast and a small supper, her lunch was often a scone from the shop which she bought if the tips were enough. When Allison arrived at the coffee place one of her co-workers told her she was expected to meet with her boss Ms. Paisley it was obvious she was in trouble and going to get a demotion... again, Allison put her hands on her hips and pulled out her cellphone to text me the bad news and ask for a little cash for the apartment and help finding a cheap restaurant she could enjoy supper at. It read: “Gna gt demoted again bro... $? Itd b hlpfl! Ps cn u fnd a cheep plc to eat @? Tnks!” I received this text on my way to work and sighed heavily this was the third time she had gotten demoted and I ended up lending her money she couldn't pay back. But little did I know all that was about to change, I just had a while longer to wait.
End of chapter
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140,830 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay, right off the bat, there's one thing that I must and that is that this needs to be split up into a few paragraphs here, at the moment it is one of those giant blobs of text and those don't do so well at being easy to read here, and you can see that the flow of this piece does get a little choppy cause of the lack of paragraphing. So splitting this up into a few smaller paragraphs would be a good idea here.
Okay, moving past the whole paragraphing debacle and right into the actual content of the story here, we've got ourselves what looks to almost be a day in the life type situation going on here in this prologue, which isn't something you run into too often but then this person does end up being demoted so I suppose this is a sort of inciting incident for this story perhaps especially with the person mentioning that something big is about to happen.
All in all, we get a good sense of what sort of character this person is and sort of get the background around which their life happens and how they tend to live a normal day, all of which tells us a lot about this character and what they're like and then that ending hinting at something big to come makes for a pretty solid ending. Overall, not a bad prologue this one.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there Crystal! I decided it was time for me to finally read something of yours. Is this your Nano novel?
Hmm, I think this seemed more like the beginning to a good chapter! I really don't think should be a prologue, just remember not every story needs one. It could really just start with chapter one. I think as mentioned below you should work on grammar, because punctuation is everything when reading a story. Once you sort that it, it will be a lot easier for other people to understand!
I also think this needs to be split into paragraphs. Remember that every time a new speaker speaks, there should be a new paragraph. This will already help with creating a few. And you also need new ones when you move onto a different scene or topic into a story. If you don't get what I'm saying or need more detail, just ask me in chat or something ^^
Why did you underline the words her and my at some places? They didn't seem significantly important to me. Also, you keep saying me in the story. You've already used third person narrative, so I suggest you stick to it. Who exactly is this me? You need to keep this clear.
Also work a bit more on the character details. Who is John? Husband, boyfriend, brother? I need some more information to their relationship! And her boss sounds absurdly strict. If I were her, I would've already gone and found a new place to work. It could happen.
I think you mean threw instead of through here.
I will read part one of chapter one now. I hope this helped!
Deanie x
Yeah... sorry ^^ Thanks, this is my Nano. But my nano is finished check it out!
Hello Crystal Pony! GriffinClaw, here to review!
Alright. I'm just going to say right now that this may sound a little harsh.
Are you ready for this?
There are so many grammar errors in this. I could barely read it because of the errors throughout the entire thing. In fact, I couldn't really list them. I think you might want to look at these for reference for later.
The Great Grammar Compendium
as well as researching it yourself.
As for the content, like I said, it was hard to focus due to the errors. But from what I could tell, it seemed all over the place. It is never clear what point of view you are aiming for. Like, how does the friend know this is all going on? Are they an all-seeing force? I don't get it.
Also, this prologue "tells" everything. Instead of describing what the person is doing, such as "Allison flinched as her feet hit the cold floor," you are "telling", by saying, "Allison stood up."
In the first example, the reader can infer that she stood up, as her feet are on the floor. We don't need to be told that she stood up.
You can probably look up more about this topic other places.
Overall, I think you could do well with this, it has potential, but please, focus on the grammar!
Keep writing and being amazing!
~GC
I just want to say that I don't think you should make this a prologue. In general I believe that writers, especially young, beginning writers, tend to overuse prologues. This section could just as easily serve as a first chapter. Why make it a prologue? It's becoming overly cliche to always have a prologue.
Also, you might want to try breaking this up into paragraphs as it would make it easier to read.
I'm not sure exactly what you intend for this, but I would also recommend proofreading it, making sure everything sounds smooth. I would also recommend not relying so much on colloquial language (slang) unless this is the feeling that you really want your story to have.