The Blue Flame

I wrote this in the space of a half hour from one in the morning, so it most likely sucks. But, I like it so bleh! :wink:

Thock.

The arrow hit the man to Arazeal’s right, making the entire group duck into the undergrowth. His men were shouting, but their cries fell upon deaf ears. He was not used to this, the war, the battle, the bloodshed, the loss, the... joy? Was it joy, or some strange kind of fear? He did not know, but he had to continue. The Blue Fire would not let him. Roaring, he drew his sword, a small iron affair, the hilt engraved in old elvish but rusted beyond legibility. The enemy expected this and launched a volley towards him. The arrows broke against his wall of steel armour, the shafts breaking underfoot like twigs. His targets were blurred, hidden behind a thin veil of red mist. He was near now, so very near, and he would not let these damned orcs stop him. He growled, he roared, he struck.

***

The sun shone down on the small castle-town of Losath. It was the main Eastern border town of the Human Coalition, bordering the lands of the Elven Clans and the Orcish Empire. It had seen a lot of bloodshed, and its inhabitants were famous for being fearless warriors, especially against the orc hordes. One such supposed protégé was Arazeal Stonewall. Like all his friends, he joined the Kings Army at the age of 14.

He sorely regretted it.

“Get a damn move on!” The drillmaster swung his sword left and right behind the marching troops. “A one legged elephant moves faster than that!” One man, at the rear of the group, wasn’t as lucky as those at the front. The sword caught him in the calves, severing the tendons there. He fell, clutching his yell and yelping. The drillmaster looked at him scornfully and kept walking. There was a crunch and the yelps stopped. “Thats why you run gentlemen!” A horn blew. The entire city was suddenly bustling, filled with shouts and the clink of metal.

“Orc raiders!” Arazeal and his group, including the drillmaster, ran to the battlements. Groups of orcs, riding huge wolves, fell like a tide against the farmers outside. The archers on the walls did what they could, but the orcs were too many and arrows too few. “Damn those beasts.” The drillmaster turned to a nearby soldier and asked “How many were outside the gates?” The men trembled slightly as he answered.

“Fourty-two sir. My brother was out there too.” The rest of this conversation has unheard to Arazeal. He saw a lone Orc rider bear down on the city. He wore much grander armour than the standard raider. He could just make out an insignia engraved onto the black breastplate.

“Eoraisa L-aro? That’s elvish. What’s it mean?” He heard Julian, his friend and squadmate gulp.

“D-dragon. It means dragon master.” As he said this, there was a great roar from behind them. It was like the warriors had been hit with a solid block of sound, one even toppled from the walls. Arazeal whirled around, bow in hand and saw what he dreaded.

***

The common Orken Dragon is between 10 and 20 foot long. Small by dragon standards, but like its masters it more than made up for size in brutality. Every inch of it was covered in spikes, its teeth long and serrated, its claws notched and sharpened on the rocks of their homes. And, of course, it maintained that most signature power of dragonkind.

***

The blast of fire melted one of the towers into magma, and a few of the men into charred ash. Arazeal grapped Julian by the neck of his chainmail vest and threw him from the wall into the small river that ran through the town. The dragon’s beady eyes locked onto him, and he saw the mouth of the beast light up like the mouth of a volcano. He went to grab an arrow, but his hands found his quiver empty. He threw himself down the stairs, narrowly avoiding the spike of fire from the maw of the dragon. It screeched in rage and dived towards him, mouth open. He tried to move, yelled, and found his leg broken. The beast dived. He stared into its eyes, accepting his demise. Something flung past his ear, whistling in the wind. It shot straight into the dragon’s mouth, a look of suprise flickering across its features before its eyes turned blank. It smashed into the wall above the gate, sending a cascade of stones down. He turned his head to see Julian grinning and holding his bow in one hand, the other proffered to him.

“You so owe me.”

Arazeal chuckled, but it was cut short by a groan and a crash. A roar of success went up from the orcs, and he saw a warg burst straight into the gate, knocking it over in the process. The remaining defenders rushed to meet them, but were crushed underfoot. The orc in the black armor walked through, sniffed the air and turned to stare at the two. He smiled.

“Prey.”

To be continued, I don’t even know why I’m writing this at 20 to 2 in the morning -_- I'll make it better and post the other parts later.

Comments & reviews · 8
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User avatar
Deifyance
Review

I loved it, reminded me sorely of Lord of the Rings.

I believe canislupis got most of the reviewing, so i'll leave him to the claim.

I only had a few problems with this masterpiece. ;)

First, what does the main character look like?

Second, If the burst of flame melted a tower, should the extra heat from the blast that missed the main character do some damage?

Third, whats the Blue Flame exactly?

fourth:

“You so owe me.”

This sounds like something a teenager in 2008 would say. Cut the so.


I agree all to much.

And finally, detail! I know nothing of the characters.

hope these helped you. :D :D :D

User avatar
KJ
Review
KJ wrote a review · Thu Jun 05, 2008 1:39 pm

“You so owe me.”

This sounds like something a teenager in 2008 would say. Cut the so.


OVERALL IMPRESSION:

Interesting. I guess that's about all I can say. I didn't find it particularly captivating, and I forced myself through much of it, but that could be just me. I'm in a weird mood today.

User avatar
v12dude Review
v12dude wrote a review · Wed Jun 04, 2008 6:25 pm

ok neither do i no why u r writing at such a ridiculous time but yeh..
ermm im assuming the begininnings a sort of prologue, but im not sure
it jumps frm that frst paragraph to the second bit and quite frankly i dont really understand why the prologuey bit is there. Its good, creates a sort of plot then the rest of the story sort of wanders of in another direction baring no real relation to the beginiing bit (apart from the same character)

User avatar
Prokaryote
Review

I think most would agree that the last thing the world needs is another subpar Tolkien-esque fantasy.

I mean, let's get real here: unless you plan on distinguishing this from the thousands of other fantasy war-stories with a teenager as the main character, there's not much point in going on with it.

If you do plan on making it different and better, start with the characters. This bit you've posted has virtually no character development (aside from the necessary introductions). This is because you've started with action, which isn't a bad thing -- the bad thing is me reading it and then coming across orcs. (Oh, orcs -- Just Another Fantasy Story.) See, now you have no hook. Since I don't care about the characters, I don't care what happens to them; and I don't care about the world or the battle because it's Just Another Fantasy Story.

What I'm trying to say is, get away from these nasty cliches and make a fantasy that's different.

Speaking of the orcs, they could use more description -- please tell me what they look like. (Unfortunately, they're so overused I practically already know.)

What's up with the interruption to describe the dragon? You need to work that smoothly into the text and not isolate it from everything else -- it's like running over a speed bump while you're driving 100 MPHs.

Protip: Never say "I wrote this in a half-hour" or "this probably sucks." You're practically asking the reader to dislike your work. Just don't do it.

Best of luck.

Prokaryote

User avatar
Nats Review
Nats wrote a review · Sun Jun 01, 2008 8:39 pm

To be honest i don't see what the point in the first part was. Unless it is part of the plot, it's just confusing.

The rest of this conversation has unheard to Arazeal.


has=was.

If you look at it you may find you never once wrote how anyone said things. Everyone always does an action after saying it, says it, or just talks.

He tried to move, yelled, and found his leg broken.


That's a bit sudden how he just found his leg broken, you talk about it as if it is just an everyday thing.

The bit about the dragon is almost like a section from an information book. If that is how you wanted it to come out as, then you should set it out with a title and all that info layout.

I never really bother with spelling mistakes because they are easy fixed without someone telling you how to do it, or what it should be.

Nats

User avatar
GML
Review
GML wrote a review · Fri May 30, 2008 1:13 am

I would start the story with the drillmaster's, "Get a damn move on!" It captures me more than your beginning and there is that large info dump that needs to be spread out more.

he drew his sword, a small iron affair

For some reason, that made me giggle. :)

The common Orken Dragon is between 10 and 20 foot long. Small by dragon standards, but like its masters it more than made up for size in brutality. Every inch of it was covered in spikes, its teeth long and serrated, its claws notched and sharpened on the rocks of their homes. And, of course, it maintained that most signature power of dragonkind.

HUGE info dump. The first sentence reads like something in an informative article or documentary. You can spread out this description within the dragon scene.

I don't think you need all the asterisks. Many of them break up the story when the story would flow fine with a few additional sentences between them.

Despite what I said, it was still fairly entertaining.

User avatar
canislupis
Review

He did not know

did not=didn’t I think it would flow better, anyway.
The Blue Fire would not let him

Would not let him what? Stop? Maybe clarify this a bit?
The arrows broke against his wall of steel armour, the shafts breaking underfoot like twigs

Armour=armor. No need to get fancy, it disrupts the flow.
He was near now, so very near, and he would not let these damned orcs stop him

Watch your tense. ;)
He growled, he roared, he struck.

First off, he already roared a few times earlier, so I wouldn’t repeat that. Also, what did he strike?
at the age of 14.

14=fourteen. No laziness! It sounds better when you type the actual number out. This paragraph also felt a little info-droppy, which is something you should watch.
“Get a damn move on!”

If you are going to make your chary swear, try to make it sound realistic. Can you imagine someone saying that?
“A one legged elephant moves faster than that!”

Hehe… though again, now that I’m looking at it, ‘that’ should be ‘this’
He fell, clutching his yell and yelping.

I think yell=leg?
“Thats why you run gentlemen!”

This is a contraction of ‘that is’ so it should be “That’s”
“Fourty-two sir.

Fourty=forty
The rest of this conversation has unheard to Arazeal.

TENSE! Maybe this would be better read as something like: “Arazeal missed the rest of their conversation,[insert action here]….
He wore much grander armour than the standard raider.

Again, armour=armor.
He heard Julian, his friend and squadmate gulp.

Squadmate=squad mate
The common Orken Dragon is between 10 and 20 foot long. Small by dragon standards, but like its masters it more than made up for size in brutality. Every inch of it was covered in spikes, its teeth long and serrated, its claws notched and sharpened on the rocks of their homes. And, of course, it maintained that most signature power of dragonkind.

You really need to watch your tense here. The rest of the piece before this is in past, and then you switch back and forth here in the same sentence. You should also write out the numbers. Also foot=feet, and ‘dragonkind’ should be two words.
Arazeal grapped Julian by the neck of his chain

Should be either gripped or grabbed.
Ok then…. Sorry for the long-winded nitpickiness. ;) I enjoyed reading your story, and look forward to more! (PM me if you do post something, please) Try to watch your tense, as I noticed quite a few slip-ups, most of which have been pointed out up there. ;) Also try to avoid having to many coarse action scenes with little plot. Other than that, I suppose I want to tell you to keep writing and good luck!
PM me with queries or comments.
~L



I would rather die of passion than of boredom.
— Émile Zola