Destiny:
Humans call it destiny or fate,
Carved into the stone slate.
The set path for our lives
all of it until the man with scythes.
Free will is an illusion, we have no real choices
they have taken everything, even our voices.
But what are these beings that decide what's next
writing our future in this sacred text?
We may never know. We might find out
we might find out what life is all about.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hello! So I would like to preface this review by saying that I have never reviewed anyones work before, and by no means am I any kind of professional writer, so.... here goes.
To start off, I love the theme of this poem. It has a interesting question being put into more of a spiritual perspective.
I think my favorite line is the
"Free will is an illusion, we have no real choices"
It adds another dimension of thought to think about.
Hey @Efuellia! Thanks for the review and welcome to YWS. I hope to see you around the site more and it was an honor being your first review!
I liked it a lot, you chose to write about a very interesting topic, and the rhyming is perfect! It could’ve been a bit longer (hope this isn’t offensive) and, oh also, you need not right the name of the poem again. But, other than that, I really liked this poem!
Momo, here to review!
I liked it! Personally, I don't believe in fate, or destiny, or stuff like that, but this is still really good! I wanted to point a few things out, so here you go!
I think you should capitalize every line. It would make it look better.
1. The second line repeats part of the first one. Maybe change it up a bit?
2. This line contradicts itself. You say we may never know, and then say we could. Just saying.
That's it! Keep writing!
Momo
This was wonderful, and it reminds me of something I did in fifth grade, (excluding the part where it wasn't great). I'm not exactly an expert at poetry, but I'll do my best to lend a helping hand in one little spot.
I think that the idea is good, but in the second line, my nit-picky brain took over. I was a little confused with the meaning of the second, which breaks the rhythm of a generally easy to understand poem. Does it imply that mankind has the mind needed to change their destiny? That death is the end of the fate written in stone? Maybe I'm the only one confused, but it stuck out for me.
Aaaand that's pretty much it. Since I know this was an unusually short review for me, I'm going to instead focus on your strengths, (in the format of a list).
1. I loved the AABB rhyme scheme! It was so simple yet didn't seem rigid.
2. The word choice was perfect - it gave me a clear descriptions on the aspects and predictable yet inconceivable of fate.
3. You had a strong and clear ending. It can be hard to wrap up a vague topic in a poetry, but you did so easily and efficiently.
Thank you for the nice, light read!
Wow! Honestly, I've never been the kinda of person to be a poetry fan but once I came onto Young Writers Society I've been reading all kinda of cool stuff, now including yours! I really like how you talk about destiny as if it's something that you can't change. This entire poem blends together so nicely and the translations are outstanding! If I had to choose a favorite part it'd definitely be the one about free will being an illusion. "Free will is an illusion, we have no real choices, they have taken everything, even our voices." I think that everyone can definitely relate to this line at some point in their lives and it's worded so perfectly. Love the poem!
-Maryah
@LordMomo